Laughing...one of my favorite activities.
Most of you have witnessed me walking away from the group, typing feverishly on my iPhone in a fit of laughter. This is my compilation of those small moments. Kelly's Book of Funny Things 2016 is brought to you by family, friends, and of course Evernote.
Credit for the following lines goes to each one of the semi-anonymous folks responsible for entertaining me and making this post possible.
Thank you and let's keep the laughing going.
If you don't pay attention to me, I will stalk you.
B.B.
Wow. Barney the Dinosaur really fucked you up.
? 1-6-16
I.M. 1-9-16
WWJD = What would Jasmine do?
Do you love the smell of wet paper towels? If Bath and Body Works had a wet paper towel scent. I would spray it all day.
L.M. 1-14-16
They took out my ovaries and my uterus, but not my brain.
P.S. 1-18-16
K to R.Z: Yikes! I wouldn't touch that toy. It's Puggle's lover.
R.Z. to K.M.: Oh! Wait, I've been her lover!
1-20-16
We are like Pretty Woman. We are going to come to town, jack it all up, and leave.
N.M. 1-22-16
K: You are so tall, Jeff. What is life like up there?
I am in the 5G zone. It's uncrowded.
J.S.
A: Are these dog treats?
N: It's only been snowing for 8 hours and we are already eating dog food.
N.M. & A.M.
This would be so much better if there was vodka. N.M.
Or Sean! E.S.
1-23-16
Capturing a Scene:
Anthony struts into the basement after we thought he Irish Goodbye-d us.
Singing, "Bitch better have my money!"
Okay. I have one secret talent. I can sing like Cher. Haha, but only when I am in my car.
N.A. 1-26-16
K: Lindsey why is your shirt so big?
L: It was a dollar.
1-26-16
Mushrooms give me gas so bad I evacuated the gift shop in Tijuana. They thought a sewer line broke.
A.M. 1-30-16
They asked Aunt Mary where she slept and she said, "I sleep with him."
Uncle Joe yelled, "No she doesn't. She's been gone for a month. She owes me a month of sex."
1-30-16
N.Z. Uncle Joe (age 90+)
I have too much fun on the weekends. I don't know what happens on Mondays.
I get to Thursday and I think "What the hell happened this week?"
E.N. 2-4-16
It is so cold in this house or at least in this room. I told dad I was going to wear sweatpants to Brooklyn's birthday party. He asked me if I could look presentable for once and I said, "OK. I'll wear my good sweatpants!"
L.M. 2-13-16
I like to watch shows with people trying to survive in the woods with only a condom.
2-16-16 ???
Heady Topper! Wait, I have to put a bra on for this!
C.G. 2-18-16
I have another baby shower to go to. Should I just take a present and run?
I love baby showers. I eat free food and get a little drunk.
This is the best ab workout I've had in months! Where'd you get those abs? Baby shower!!!!
3-7-16
GBLT
Giraffe Bacon
You must come into all of our houses at night and steal our shit!
(Mom while moving me out of Grandma's basement)
#Move14
4-5-16
Mom: Why do you have so many mason jars?
K: Because they're disposable. When I make something, I give it to my friends and let them keep it.
Mom: Well, it doesn't look like you have many friends!
4-7-16
I've been breaking into this house for 60 years.
N.M 4-8-16
I feel like I am a feelings machine.
E.M. 4-12-16
Playing Dr. Mario with you is like working in the ER. It's stressful!
J.P. 4-11-16
Let's stop teaching and mess with as many people as possible.
C.G. 4-15-16
K I love leg wrestling
K.C. Don't you that called something else?
4-27-16
Isn't it crazy when you think about it? There's a 16-year-old high school student somewhere that's going to become very good friends with us in like 7 years.
E.M. 4-28-16
Kelly: Look Jenny! A STEM position.
Jen: Wow! That didn't take long! So are you going to apply for the 5th grade position?
Kelly: Probably, but think about how easy the Kindergarten job may be.
Jen: You don't want that, do you? Are you going to have to change diapers?
5-8-16
K: How about we stay at Nick and Liz's house for the night, go to Red Rocks now? Tomorrow, after looking in Thornton and Broomfield, we spend the night in Boulder. Then we can hang out in Boulder all day and find a cheap Airbnb to stay in?
M: How about we get a room at the Hampton Inn with king size beds?
M: How about we get a room at the Hampton Inn with king size beds?
5-13-16 Mom in Lakewood, CO
It's sad when you are out, but thinking about the frozen pizza in your refrigerator.
K.C. 5-20-16
You're like the squirrel from Ice Age always looking for the nuts.
R.E.
Memorial Day Weekend
You've never seen Star Wars! I just don't trust you. (Backs his chair away from the table)
N.C. 5-28-16
Hahahah! Excellent! Let me know! I definitely want to see you before you go become granola eating...non-shaven...home micro-brewing...lesbians.
L.P. 6-16-16
So the Beaver Dam really is a beaver dam.
???? 6-22-16
Jen after forgetting a few items at the grocery store.
"I'm going back to H Mart. There's no reason we shouldn't have the things that we want like Mochi and barbecue sauce."
7-4-16
Since I met you, I've been to J Crew once and my hiking gear has stepped up significantly.
@Geneva CampGROUND.
J.P.
"I'm no Buddhist, but I honestly feel bad when I hurt a fly."
Nick (Due to the abundance of Nicks in my life, I am not sure who said this line.)7-15-16
Yoga on the rocks.
Alyssa M. "Is that a new drink?"
7-27-16
Jax: Lol. I just rolled the vacuum out into the living room and Brooklyn goes, "Ah mommy you scared the crap outta me."
Kelly: How did you get b to wear underwear?
Jackie: I stopped haunting her and I took piggy and put him in the animal jail and she kept going on the potty ever since. And I put her in pjs that Edd got her and told her if she peed in them he would be sad.
8-17-16
K: Jen be careful. You may get a huge splinter. Doesn't that hurt?
J: Relax...it's fine. I think there is more danger in walking on the floorboards of your grandmother's living room.
J.P. 9-3-16
I can't believe we camped at 12,000 ft and woke up to cows.
J.P. 9-5-16
"When I move my head back and forth like this, it's as if my brain is staying still, but my skin is moving all around me."
"I inter-interpreted your title." (while playing Drawful)
"If one of you don't pee yourselves, I will."
"The iMessage that Rob sent me was so cute that I laid on your bathroom floor and I cried."
"I tend to be funnier when my socks are wet."
L.M.
9-2016
9-22-16
"Brooklyn what do you want for breakfast?"
"What mommy?"
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"What mommy?"
We played three more rounds of that and then she goes, "Mommy, I can't understand you with that binky in your mouth!"
11-7-16
Jackie: Brooklyn how can we block the corner of the tv stand so your brothers won't hit their heads...?
Brooklyn: Mommy, hmmm maybe ..aaaa..oh! My fortress!!
11-24-16
What's your favorite part of the turkey?
Alyssa: The cheese!
Kelly: I am the messenger of the turkey skin. #Meskinger (I wondered whether or not to include myself in this book. I decided on yes because I did crack myself up.)
"One time, I microwaved my underwear."
M.B. 12-09-16
Sit and Spin has cankles. That's why she hates me!
K.R. 12-16-16
My super power is origami. Fred 2.0.
J.D. 12-26-16
I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink.
J.A. 12-27-16
"You say food. I say when?"
A.P. 12-29-16
My step father, Ed Bauer, has his own "Book of Funny Lines." However, I decided to share 2016 excerpts:
Mya does not like folk music.
3-7-16 (Mya is his 10 year old German Shepard.)
I'm in Burlington, VT, eating grasshoppers, drinking the best craft beer around...I think I'm a hippie. I can't believe it!!!
I'm buzzed. I'm going to a Bernie rally and I ate crickets. What says hippie more than that? 5-7-16
I set the world record for eating stuffed olives last night.
5-13-16
Ya know what I want to do? I swear to God. I want a mohawk.
10-7-16 E.B.
When I was a child. I held a skunk.
We are beer ambassadors and I enjoy that title.
I have 1,662 page views. I'm not bragging!
I crashed into our garage door twice. #23CrownRdConfessions
Mom: Ed. Here. This goes in the China cabinet.
Ed: We have a China cabinet?
12-19-16
A special thanks to all of the comedians whose funny lines I had to leave out of this publishing because they involved "inappropriate for the internet" thoughts, ideas, and references. Also, I didn't want to upset anyone.
