38 Things I Learned in 2018

2018 was a year of many things laughs, moving (of course), LOVE, and learning. Here are some of the things I learned in 2018.

1. Pro Tip: If you can't eat it, buy a candle flavored like it. -Keto Connect dude 

2. You know that your work pants are very comfortable when you almost leave the house for the gym and realize you were still wearing them.

3. I just read a sign on a McDonald’s. “If you can’t make it to us, we’ll bring it to you!” McDonald’s flippin delivers. #$5GetYourselfABigMac

4. I need to live in Denver. 

4.b. Dude you can borrow camping gear from the library. Beth

5. When you find crumbs on your shirt from the last slice of the Joey D's NJ pizza in your freezer, you do not brush them off...You EAT THEM. Every. Single. Crumb. 

NJ Pizza Wins

5.a. Always wait in book signing lines in CO. Nobody fights and the line moves wicked fast. #NiceSneaksDeepak

6. Sometimes you gotta turn her off to turn her on. R.T. 3-5-18

He was referring to the copy machine, you perverts. 

7. I got sunburned through my windshield on the way to Breck. The temperature was cold and the sun felt so warm on my face, so I didn’t use the sun visor in my car. Lesson learned.

8. Puggle is afraid of the wind. I found her hiding/somewhat stuck under my bed. Another reason I need to move. Crazy Lady doesn't close the sliding door in the kitchen. The wicked wind makes it look like the devil is breakdancing in the kitchen. 

9.  When driving around the Rockies in a snowstorm, leave your GPS on only so you know how many more terrifying minutes and miles it will be until you get to safety. Also, your GPS will help you read the street signs when they are covered in snow.

10. I lived with a person who is bipolar. She confused me every single day. Nothing she did made any sense.  Lesson learned: no bipolar roommates. 

11. Toothpick boxes are so damn secure until you open them. Then you got a bunch of little daggers falling everywhere. There’re on the floor, all over the inside of your cabinets when you move. When the hell will I ever need 800 round toothpicks? 1/2 the box gets dumped out accidentally and the other 1/2 minus the twenty toothpicks you actually bought the box for. 

Toothpicks are meant to be stolen.

12. While wandering the West Highlands neighborhood on a Sunday, you may stumble upon many Open Houses. Go inside. They offer mimosas, quiche, and LaCroix on ice. I felt like I was in a scene from I Love You, Man. 

13. Snookie wrote a book. Snookie from Jersey shore wrote a flippin book.

14. Breakfast burritos are not meant to be eaten while driving in the car on the way to work.

15. A psychologist in Africa thought of the idea to certify grandmothers in mental health so when families can’t afford the bus to get to get to his office they can go to their local grandmother for therapy and emotional support or focus on dealing with depression. 

16. Coloradans love horses so much.

17. People in CO have diving skills! Realization at the community pool in Ken Caryl

18. If I were ever homeless and in need of a shower and water, I would come to the Ken Caryl community pool.

19. When camping in Colorado, you do not have to walk far to begin scavenging for tiny little twigs and then larger sticks to start your fire. There’s so much wood all around you that the 10 foot radius around the fire provides more than enough kindling. I caught myself walking around the campsite and realized I didn’t have to go very far. This made me think of camping at Timberland Lake New Jersey and how scarce little sticks were. I love it here.

20. It is fun to throw dinner parties in the woods.

21. Strategic movement helps me solve jigsaw puzzles.

22. The intellectual dark web exists. 

23. My mother LOVES Macy’s. 

24. Always bring multiple sets of headphones on road trips and airplane rides. (USB and Aux cable variety-noise canceling is best)

25. Dear Palisades Peaches 🍑, I love you.

26. It’s a lot harder to keep tattoos hydrated in Colorado...seems like there isn’t enough Aquaphor in the world. 

27. Mirror is a fascinating word

28. Joe Foster doesn’t know how to loosen a bra strap. However, he is faster than any of my former roommates when it comes to installing my bra strap hiding gadget. Sorry, Adam. Thank you, mother. 

29. As of 9-19-18, there are no ginger emoji choices. Why doesn’t the blond with the ponytail emoji have a brunette option? I own the ponytail. May I suggest a messy bun emoji? 

30. I can not sleep well or fall back to sleep easily when I am cold.

31. 7 = the number of bounty paper towels I need to replace a bath towel when stepping out of the shower 10-11-18 1st night in CO Springs house & i forgot my towel.

32. Alexa Echo Plus kicks Echo’s 2nd Generation ass Research actual name of upgrade (dot?) mini Alexa and Alexa 

33. Tonight, I think I finally figured out how to keep a toothpick box from exploding. Give the know-it-all box a little shake while tilting it back to close securely. It only took me until age 37 3/4 to figure it out. 

34.  Drop a pin when you park and don't know where in the city of Denver you are. Sorry, Caitlin. I am still working on getting my city legs. 

35. I will consider eating a moldy maple candy for exactly 11 seconds before I bitch slap myself in the senses. Maybe a bitch slap is effective because if you slap a person hard enough, all 5 senses will be stimulated at once. You see the hand coming at ya. You definitely feel the crisp contact. We all know the sound of a slap. You could taste and smell the scent of blood. 

36. If you are ever hungover, jump on a cold Colorado Lake. You will be immediately cured. (KS)

37. The term ganja is derived from Sanskrit. 
38. I made #4 happen. 

Funny Moments of 2018

Thank you to everyone who made me laugh in 2018. Here is a tribute to highlight the small moments and relive them again. Enjoy!

1-1-18

Do you remember that time we were in the back yard and thought the cops were coming after us, but they were really looking for a missing autistic child? That happened. 

LH:  Sorry that I am late. A teacher lost a salamander and I was trying to help her find it. Then I remembered they sell them at Petsmart.

K: (to student teacher) Welcome to STEM! 

1-8-17

Kids have crushes on teachers. My students come up to me right here (gestures at boob height). I think that is when it starts.

B.W.

K: Cat paw it.

???: Is that even an appropriate thing to say when you aren’t drunk?

Kelly: Did you get my face in that pic? 

Gips: Yeah, I got only your face in the picture. You will see it on our website tomorrow. Just kidding you know I don’t know how to upload anything! 

K & SB: Ha ha ha ha

You should’ve been like, "I’m usually a V, but for tonight I want to be a D." 

B.W.

“That word has never been said on this carpet before!” 

B

This hoodie has a blunt pocket. It’s that good. 

~Anonymous

1-26-18

K: Hey, are you ready? 

B: Yeah give me a minute. Let me get my dollar store chapstick and my poncho. How old am I? 

I spent $30 today...on TEN COOKIES. 

~Anonymous

“Lobster Rolls in the freezer.”

Pot Luck

Pan with melted butter, oregano, bread crumbs, and a dirty spoon. 

Hahahahaha

K: How did you get away from her? How did you end it? 

E.J: I literally RAN away. She was fast too. I believe she was a track star. 

2-3-18

Somewhere out there SM is getting a hard-on. 

B.W.

You must be 24 to ride THIS... 

J.H.

2-16-18

My emergency plans are a bottle of vodka and a hammer. 

E.J.

3-27-18

That show. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? That show was a fucking BREEZE.

P. C.

3-29-18

Conversation with Landlord/Pimp:

I told him that my ex-girlfriends flew in to help me through surgery.

He responded: I know you date girls, but I didn’t know you were a pimp.

4-15-18

4-18-18

Achillius

They are all squirrels. I got the black squirrel of Princeton...

AL

K: Remember that time we were hungover doing report cards. 

B.W: Which time? 

Both: Hahaha

I have such anxiety at the airport you want to pretend you don’t even know me. 

Cassie O.

I’m a Kardashian at the airport and I don’t even know what that means.

R.T.

All the rednecks need to die or sell their property.

C.D.

#JesusTrustFall

Tell me more about who thought of the Jesus Trust Fall.

K.T.

Ya know what’s bugging me? It’s his colons!

B.W.

Go fuck a clown behind the tree.

B.W.

She is touchy about ginger. You better watch out. 

?

I can drink coffee and then go to sleep. I am a koala. I can drink 5-hour Energy and then pass out on the couch. 

6-6-18

B.W.

6-9-18

When they leave, where do the cats go?

Lea Cat store in Denver

#RFZ

Rapists Free Zone

You currently own two properties and live in the basement of a rapist.

J.B.

6-30-18

Puggle Properties LLC

Slogan: Pay your rent, Bitch.

If you try to fuck me, I will shit all over you.

I don’t want the government looking at my phone and seeing my miles. 

I’m serious though.

C.D.

Two peaks are not enough and 5 is way too many!

EB

My only real hiking fear, except getting lost, getting eaten by a bear, and getting left in the dust by Marisa and Kelly, is running out of water! 

HB

I have to be honest, I don’t think I could get up. The small chair is stuck to my ass and she is about 35 pounds. (My sis stuck in a kid's chair with Brooklyn on her lap.

JD

The van will be here for the VT Brewer's Festival tomorrow. 

K: We're taking a van?

E: Brother Matt is renting a van. 

K: LOLOLOLOL

I have a mole on my butthole. It’s getting bigger. 

~Anonymous

She owns two properties and lives in the crawlspace. 

Mom

7-16-18

K: I’m going to go to Iowa and explore caves. 

JD: Is that what they call it these days? 

7-19-18

The definition of tired: looking at Tim's feet and saying that I have boots just like those! Forgetting, of course, that in fact, they were my boots! ☺ HB

K: Every time you try a new thing your brain lights up.

M.T: That’s why I like tapas. I really do. Every plate should be a small plate. 

Have you ever made your bed while still laying in it? 

#StudioCrawlSpaceLife

7-28-18 Me

KT: Listen, you carnivorous bitch!

K: They’re eating us alive! 

Being Instagram famous is like being rich with Monopoly money.

?

I hate traveling through time zones, it feels like I haven’t eaten in days.

JC

You look hungry and I heard I'm lookin' like a snack tonight. 

N.A.

J.F.

That little guy dancing makes me think of Bambi walking for the first time. 9-14-18

If we ever had a real fire. Someone’s going to die.

AB

9-28-18

Are you still stretching?  Because I kind of want to push you over.

Shelley from Charlie's 

CB I don’t dance. 

PW You dance with me.

10-7-18

"Carly the OG Alexa"

If I want to scream obscenities into an unopened flower, I am going to scream obscenities into an unopened flower!

10-8-18 RT

I feel friendlier coming back to NYC after Denver lol

CB

We had been silently wanting to kill each other all day and that was our moment.

C.D.

10-18-18

“Are your tacos spicy?”

“Yes, I can’t eat. I’ve given up on food. I’m dying.”

CD

(British accent) Oh, a flamingo! I just now got he is a flamingo. I thought he was a pink chicken! 

Laura Kickball10-27-18

K: In Minnesota, they play, Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.

Laura Kickball: (British accent) Why? Do they only have great ducks in Minnesota?

 10-27-18

About CO Natives, Bill just said, “We’re really easy to catch because we don’t go anywhere.”

10-28-18

CD

Enjoy your fucking pizza. JB 11-2-2018

Your last girlfriend was an adult left handed scissor. 

11-9-18 Al

I have an embarrassing confession. I don’t know how to cabbage patch. 

@ 90s night 

11-23-18 Anonymous

Do you know this girl? Cuz she’s slicing it up like Thanksgiving turkey. 

JB

There’s no douchebag to call a douchebag

CD

Lindsey and Sal are trying to get the air mattress back in the bag.

Lindsey says, “Sal shove it in! Do you need me to get the poppers?”

11-30-18

Listening to Sublime 

Lindsey leans in close 

Asked 

So what time are we taking poppers?

Hahaha

LM

Is that guacamole on my forehead? 

11-30-18

I am so hungry I am eating the crumbs out from under my fingernails. 

LM

11-30-188

L: The next song I am going to sing is really my favorite. 

K: What song is it? 

L: Suck my pussy. 

K: 😟

Do you remember that night Linz went through a complete metamorphosis? 

Sal, you are always shirtless. This is why all the gay men hit on you. LM

This purchase is just another move in my chess game of life. 

Me

12-18-19

You’re too tall to be crying. 

KT

Who makes biscotti on purpose? That Swedish girl. 

KT

Gay on THAT, woman 

RT

K: I have not been able to practice Greek in a long time. I picked up a little bit here and there I don’t know much. 

J: The only thing I picked up in Greece was chlamydia

Brianne

Now I have a mug to throw my shoes in. 

Mom: Do you have a regular sized refrigerator? 

K: Yes, Mom. 

M: Good. In the last apartment, you had a washer, dryer, and refrigerator all in one. 

After seeing a gaggle of deer 🦌 

Mom: Oh my God. Please don’t talk to me. I need a drink. Kelly is talking about how sad it is that all the trees of been cleared out of Somerset for houses to be built. 

12-27-18

K: We should respect the doors in our houses a lot more. 

Mom: Did someone shit down my door?! 

I was loading the dishwasher at Jackie's house on Christmas. While attempting to fit a large baking sheet, Jackie caught me and said...

J: Kel STOP! It doesn't even fit. Turn it sideways. I'm not washing that shit. 

Sometimes I Irish Goodbye in my own house.

CM

12-28-18

12-28-18 JD

Every single day the devil finds a new way to get us. 

About Julie Jones: 

We used to party like animals and now she takes cares of them. 

12-28-18

CM

12-30-18

KS: That tortilla is society. It limits you from having everything. 

(On why she is getting a bowl instead of a tortilla at Chipotle)

CD: Katie can dance. You should keep her. 

Laughs from my niece, Brooklyn

(Thank you for sending these, Jackolackowhackattack. Keep the funny moments coming.)

Morning conversations with B.

“Mommy, I just farted”

“Good B, I’m sure that felt good”

“Yes, I love to fart when I first wake up, because it’s been stuck in my butt all night long”

😂😂

“Mommy, Miss Hendricks taught me to do this 🙋🏻‍♀️”

“Oh good B, so when you have a question or need her you do that and she will call on you.”

“Yes, but I do this 🙋🏻‍♀️ and miss Hendricks says yes Brooklyn. And I say Miss Hendricks, what is the weather? Because they don’t have Alexa”

😂😂😂😂

7-3-18

“Don’t touch my butt if I can’t touch your wiener”

-Ahh...These are as comfy as nipple pie.

- nipple pie?

-yes, mommy, that means comfy cozy in English. What do you speak? Spanish?

8-21-18

11-18-18

We’re watching the Incredibles and at the end, this big drill-shaped ship comes up through the ground and B goes, “OH SHIT!”

“Brooklyn, you have to stop yelling. Your the only one I can hear up there.”

“Mommy, that’s because them don’t talk yet!”

“Well played, B.”

11-19-18

Boys fighting over a toy

“Boys Santa isn’t going to bring you anything for Christmas, no dinosaurs, no baseballs, nothing.”

Blank stare from the boys, then they start sharing the toy ...

I look at B. She looks at me and says, “That was effective."

😂😂🤣🤣

Nov 30, 2018

The Many Quotes From the One and Only Ed Bauer

(P.S. Teachers get 15% off at Eddie Bauer)

I had a breakfast beer. Porkroll, egg, and cheese in a pint glass. 

2-19-18

How am I supposed to feel? The high points in her life are when I leave! 

When I could get Heady Topper at the stage, a piece of me is going to die.

7-13-18 

Pigeon pose is an utter joy

7-15-18

Mom: Ed, how did you and Hank get lost if you had a picture of the map? (Macomb, South Dix, and Grace Mountains)

Ed: Cin. Imagine giving Hunter and Cole directions to the Stage from their house. 

7-15-18

I hear people rave about Brazilian Jiu jitsu 

12-24-18

He's a communist!

Just once a week, I'd like to have the blankets. I'm sore when I wake up from shivering all night! 

If it’s on my plate I’m eating it!

Joe Foster came back into my life like a boomerang. He is one funny dude, a great daddy to Puggle, and my official gayru. 

I sat on the balcony with my roommate, drank LaCroix, listened to 70s rock, and ate peaches. We drank on a school night. We are such badasses.   Joe Foster

8-15-18

Who the fuck plays photo hunt anymore, Kelly? 

Me: HAHAHAHA

8-31-18

@Traxxx 

So the problem is you can’t do comedy and high ceilings. 

Me: haha

Joe

Two things I never buy: cheap sunscreen and cheap underwear

8-2-18

Joe Foster 

That little guy dancing makes me think of Bambi walking for the first time. 9-14-18

Would you like to do yoga?

No, we are not friends when Nintendo is on. 

(I had just kicked his ass at Dr. Mario--hard. That game still brings out the worst in me.)

10-5-18

10-14-18

K: Have you ever read your bottle of poppers? 

J: It doesn’t say anything.

K: (reads back of Double Scorpion bottle aloud) 

J: (Laughs) They’re fine! 

(at Glow at the Gardens in Denver)

This is the whitest thing I’ve ever done. And I have done cocaine with Garth Brooks. 

10-18-18

CD: Don’t you sometimes want to just kick a nice display over?

J: Uh no, because I’m not a sociopath.

J: Nasty Pig is a brand of gay man’s clothing. 

K: Do lesbians have a clothing line? 

Joe: Isn’t that Target? 

K: Hahaha 

Holy fuck. I’m in the back of a Lyft and I had the window open. I dozed off and a  homeless man came right up asking for change while we were at a light. He was like an inch from my face and I woke up screaming like I was being murdered.

JF11-2-18

Hi! I have purchased hiking boots. I am one step closer to being Colorado Lesbian Approved!

JF

The Watering Bowl is the real lesbian bar in Denver. The dog park with a bar.

JF 11-9-18

11-12-18

K: I am so happy, I am going to drink Sip o’ Sunshine. 

Joe: What’s the occasion? You had sex more than once this week. 

He starts slow clapping

I died laughing