This year was a rough one. Despite the struggles and darkness of 2019, laughter was had, and here are the memories. I did crack up reliving each moment, so thank you to everyone involved for the laughs.
Shout out to my 5-year-old niece Brooklyn & my girlfriend, Katie for being the most entertaining people in 2019!
Enjoy!
I wish I had a maid. She would mostly do nothing because I would feel bad, but right now, she would whip me up a snowcone 🍧
1-4-19
KS
I was already having a crappy day and I needed ramekins.
JB
1-4-18
A text from my sister:
Mom took Brooklyn to McDonald’s to get French fries, this is the convo at the drive-through:
Brooklyn: Grandma did you get me a toy with it?
Mom: No. I didn’t order a happy meal. I just got french fries
Brooklyn: So you got a sad meal then?
1-4-19
A text from my sister:
The boys are fighting over snowballs in the kitchen. I walk out and say, “I’m going to sit with B.” I sat down and said, “Oh those boys B...”
Brooklyn: I feel bad for you mommy.”
Jackie: It’s ok B, I love those boys. They are just boys. Totally different than girls. That’s for sure.
Brooklyn: Yup, they have wieners.
1-25-19
If you have a rabbit allergy or any farm animal allergy, you shouldn’t be a sub.
EJ 1-31-19
Mermaids are the biggest tease for a guy. Because there is NO WAY to fuck them.
KS 2-3-19
Jackie: B do you want to come with me to get decorations for your party or do you want to be surprised?
Brooklyn: I want to be surprised.
Cole chimes in: Me, me, me!
Jackie: Okay, Cole you can come with me to get them for her, but you can’t tell her.
Brooklyn: Actually mommy, I want to go. I want to be surprised so once we get the decorations, I’ll just erase them from my memory.
2-4-19
Google DONT Drive your ass to work today.
Virtual Day
RT
I'm a gluten plus, dude. I am not gluTEN, I am glutELeven”
RT
We Willie Winkie - YouTube (Maybe I should have made 2019 Creepy Moments List)
I have met 12 gay Saras. Every other gay person I meet is named Sara.
JB
Mama raised a homosexual, not an idiot.
JF on Scientology propaganda in Los Angeles
2-8-19
You are changing my life, my lezguru.
JF
2-9-19
Kelly: When my dad and I used to bowl together on a league, he’d promise me that if I knocked down a 2 10 split, he’d take me to Kiddie City (which was like a Toys R Us).
Katie: I would have robbed an old woman if someone would have told me they’d take me to Toys R Us...AT AGE 5!
Did I tell you my too young rule?
If I ask them where they were on 9/11 and they don’t remember, they’re too young.
JF
Brooklyn's 5th birthday
“Mommy! My butt bigger!”
2-12-19
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The following quotes are basically one commercial for
NJ PEOPLE VACATIONING IN COLORADO
3-9-19
That fuckin altitude bro. Don’t get me started on that altitude.
AF
These doughnuts.
And it was THAT chair.
My mind and body were in two different places
I was in that chair when I was about to take off.
JA
JA: I felt like I ate for a full hour. I swear I couldn’t even breathe.
AF: Yeah, dude. All you kept saying was, “Man. I can’t talk.”
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A text from Ed: Your mom and I were talking over b’fast speculating on someone’s behavior.
Cindy: What’s your opinion Freud? (sarcasm)
Ed: I’m the closest thing to Freud you will ever meet.
3-3-19
UHaul Has Gift Cards LOL
3-9-19
Me
3-16-19
Mom: Oh my god! You're going to run that bag over!
Ed: It doesn’t have feelings.
New music to me is like a new car.
KS
Mommy, I didn’t go to school today.
Brooklyn (age 5) at 12:43am on Sunday, March 24th
She was awake for over 15 hours.
March in NJ by Kelly
JF on Dealing with Xfinity
Kelly, I was about to throw my phone into the pool and move into Civic Center Park for the remainder of my life.
3-25-19
I understand IPA fatigue but guess what. I understand oxygen fatigue too. I’m not giving up oxygen and I’m not giving up my New England IPA either.
4-6-19 EB
5-2019
It’s not about the bagels. It’s the creamed cheese.
EJ (<-----obviously this person is NOT from NJ or NY and has no idea what he is talking about.)
6-2-19
I brought my compost to New Mexico.
CD
He NEVER finishes a cliff bar.
CD
Our Natives are Jersey Strong
They don’t run from rain
Me
I don’t like redheads wearing orange.
KS
After guessing what year Pocahontas came out.
Katie: How old were you in 95?
Kelly: 15...
Katie: What were you doing?
Kelly: Getting my period for the first time and hanging out in a dirty river.
Katie: I was figuring out that I was attracted to women. I went to see Pocahontas and I was like DAYUM!
Hahahahahaha
We’ll find all the gays on the island and we will have a gay party
KS
There’s no T in can!!
KS 6-11-19
You know money has got the best of a man when he has to leave work early to go get a facial!
KS
6-18-19
We got our deli stickers and the lady in the bathroom took a video.
KT 6-22-19 @Red Rocks: Umphrey's McGee
I cried more at your wedding than I did at any funeral I’ve ever been to.
Sammy (Nina’s dramatic friend) 3-24-19
K: I forgot my glasses. This is going to suck
Linz: Kel, it’s already going to suck.
Kelly to Brooklyn: Can we trust him? (Asking Brooklyn if we could trust Cole about secrets about mommy‘s birthday.)
Brooklyn says no and then proceeds to explain how every time she tells Cole something he tells mommy.
Jackie chimes in: He can’t even talk!
3-21-19
Trivia Names: Quizzle Me Timbers, Whiskepedia
I am just going to sit here and act like I'm in my 40s. RT
VHAB- What other team name has a song? KT
Every time I do mushrooms I end up naked. I punched a guy in the face on a bus and we became friends.
6-24-19
Poudre?! One of my red neck cousins named her cat Poudre.
7-26-19 CD
Kelly: Stephanie! You should be a detective! You are so observant! How do you do it?
Stephanie: Oh, no way. I would fall asleep during stakeouts.
Kel: Um...who is asleep on my lawn?
CB: Is there any white paint?
JD: Of course, there is white paint. We are in Colorado. Everyone on our plane was white.
Brooklyn: I’m going to move to Colorado when I grow up and Mommy can visit as much as she wants. Brooklyn's CO Experience
Brooklyn after waking up from a long afternoon nap in a new time zone (MT): Aunt Kelly could we do something today?
Jackie: B, It’s still the same day!
This is the longest day I have ever been alive -Jackie 8-1-19
9-2-19 Text From Jackie, my sister.
So Hunter just had poop in his diaper. Before he ate, Fred sent him into me to change him (in the living room). So I laid him down and said, "Oh man you stink!" I pulled his shorts off and threw them at him as a joke saying, "Ewww!" He naturally threw them back at me. I felt like my face was wet. I go to wipe it with my hand and look down... I HAD SHIT ALL OVER MY FACE.
I screamed to Fred, “YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HIM! I GOT SHIT ALL OVER MY FACE!!” As I’m running to the bathroom to wash my face all the kids are screaming, “Mommy!"
How did that even happen? Fred’s gaging going, “Oh my god it smells. It’s everywhere.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. Hunter thinks it’s the funniest thing ever. Fred’s gaging, Cole's following me trying to see what is happening, and Brooklyn’s saying, “Mommy has poop on her face! I can’t believe it!” 😫
We just had a heated discussion about the American education system right over Stephanie in the hot tub.
SB:(leans head back and closes eyes) "You guys are such losers. Get on my level."
I have yet to meet a person who was born amongst a nondescript forest of maples.
Mona
First day of Kindergarten 9-5-19
Jackie: Brooklyn, did you buy lunch?
Brooklyn: No, I ate what you gave me.
Jackie: Then where did the money I gave you go?
Brooklyn: I gave it to the girl.
Jackie: What girl?
Brooklyn: I don’t know.
Jackie logs into her school lunch account...
Jackie: Brooke, it says you bought a hot lunch.
Brooklyn: Well, I went up there, but I didn’t like anything and I didn’t know what the lady was talking about so I just gave her my money.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Shoop Playing on Alexa
Remember when you were listening to these songs and I was still a baby?
KS 9-15-19
Only SUCKERS say lollipop!
It’s like you guys are from the fifties. May I please have a lollipop?!
KS 9-15-19
Okay. Football and whatever you’re doing. KS
(Kelly making iMovie about chickens)
9-15-19 Broncos vs Bears
Katie’s thoughts on kombucha
I need some lettuce with that drink.
I think I am going to spend money on a 12 rack of Pepsi.
Katie 9-26-19
Putting a firefly in a jar is like killing a fairy. Like Tinkerbell. You may as well be a unicorn killer.
9-28-19 KS
Sips are gross.
9-28-19
While Brooklyn was face timing with me, she lost her tooth. As she’s showing me her tooth up against the phone, she crinkled her nose and said, “What’s the tooth fairy want this for?"
10-15-19 Mom
Conversation before bed last night w/ Brooklyn (age 5)
Jackie: I’m going to go to the doctor tomorrow to get my nose fixed.
Brooklyn: Why?
Jackie: Because I’m tired of having nose bleeds.
Brooklyn: And I’m tired of getting your tissues!
😂😂
10-28-19
THEY want a baby? Not even a Medicaid baby...just a regular-ass baby?
BV 11-1-19
The best place to go to jail here is in the mountains. The worst place is in Denver.
11-17-19 KS
Does it make me a bad person if I eat the chili crunch by the spoon? I can’t help it. It is so good!!!
12-1-19 EB
I just want an adult bathroom to have diarrhea. I was going every 30 seconds in a stall next to a 3rd grader.
MF 12-6-19
I like fucking weirdos. You can read that sentence and know I mean both potential meanings.
MF 12-6-19
I like fucking weirdos. You can read that sentence and know I mean both potential meanings.
MF 12-6-19
It’s hard to do an Irish goodbye with a cooler full of salsa.
MF 12-6-19
I’ve always wanted to meet someone who was going to wear a cascade dress.
RT 12-8-19
A jet pack seems so scary. I’d break ALL my teeth.
SB
She’s totally finger banging the cobbler right now.
R.T. 12-8-19
KT: Eileen - Get it? She walks on one leg.
RT: In Japan she’s Irene
12-8-19
Teachers don’t just get a holiDAY off, you get a holiWEEK!
12-13-19 KS
Teachers don’t just get a holiDAY off, you get a holiWEEK!
12-13-19 KS
KT: Eileen - she walks on one leg
In Japan she’s Irene
RT
I have infant hair. I am probably balding.
Elmers
Shredded Lizard 🦎
Lauren
