The people responsible for the quotes listed below in 2017's "book of funny things," shall remain anonymous. This allows me to post almost every entry to this blog. Thank you to everyone quoted here for adding humor to the world. I appreciate you!
M.S.(Mid-script- I just created it.) While editing and revising these face crackers, I relived each and every moment as a memory. These entries were just the mind-jogger I needed to travel back in time and most importantly laugh!
Time travel with me...Enjoy!
I feel it! Kelly, this is the first time I've been buzzed in two weeks!
B.H. 1-1-17 Roof Top Tavern after returning from NJ.
I'm full and I need to stop, but pass the byriani!
B.H 1-7-17 #Bawarchi
J: Babe, you put them in the wrong cribs again. THIS is Hunter.
F: No way, that is Cole.
J: No, it's definitely Hunter.
F: Check his penis.
That one always makes me crack up. Hence the bold.
The soup lady blocked me!
1-13-17 L.H.
Me: What are you doing this weekend?
N.C.Honest answer. I am going to dress up as a giant sriracha hot sauce and go ice climbing.
1-13-17
E.D. 1-13-17
No, take the five bucks go buy yourself a Big Mac.
Finn's Bar
I just downloaded the McDonald's App, so I think she is more sober.
V.C. 1-13-17
In 2005 Facebook came out and then dogs started getting profiles and then grandma's. I'm out. B.H.
VC: Should I get rid of facebook?
BH: Yes. It's a disease.
Why the fuck did I stay up all night talking about placemats?
A.B. 1-19-17
I've only ever met Tony Danza!
B.H. about the Bachelor couple
1-21-17
I can't get shit faced because I have to go to the post office tomorrow.
C.D. #postal
I chipped my tooth so bad, I looked like Jewel.
I never wrote down who said this. Please let me know if it was you. I enjoy giving credit, but not extra credit. #AskMyStudents
I wanted to borrow her carpets for Chinese New Year, but she glued them to the floor.
Anonymous
Have you seen the Norwegian curling team? They have the best pants.
2-17-17 E.C.
Judging people is so much fun.
C.T. #themoth
K: Why isn't anyone clapping?
B: I don't know. There's a weird vibe in here. Everyone has a mustache and a hat.
I'm so glad you guys have each other, but I literally want to vomit.
He says the worst things.
K.L.S 3-11-17
No, I didn't have any of that in the car. I was so Mormon at the time!
K.L.S.3-11-17
He loves your sweatpants and your taco face. He's trying to be your husband.
3-17-17 J.H.
Neighbors are just geography.
When you can make fun of the people in line with me...that's when we can go to Disney World together.
J.H. 3-17-17
K: It is a perfect sky and perfect day. Look at that.
L: And I'm almost at 20,000 steps!
I had a pet cockroach.
L.H. 3-19-17
I feel like I can make anything out of PVC pipe.
L.M. March 31 17
Why does he feel so guilty, like a vagina face?
B.H.
3-31-17
Did I coffee your tea?
Snooze server to mom
4-8-17
Do you think I wouldn't be friends with a guy who brings a tambourine into a karaoke bar? N.M.
If there is one thing I learned from Nick, it's how to use Fuck the right way and often.
K.L.Z. 4-28-17
Take all the dicks you want. Just don't be one.
JB to PP
I want to have sex with these candles.
B.H.
Candelaria
K: After you close up the chickens, could you pick lettuce from the garden for dinner?
CB: Whaaaa? I came here to help you. I didn't come here to live off the land!
6-23-17
I fight with artificial intelligence, OFTEN.
C.D.
Menver
A hula hoop! That is a red flag ⛳ right there!
She put on her hula hoop pants.
That was the whitest rice I ever had.
A.P. 8-14-17
I like my chickens, my garden, and my sourdough.
M.S. 8-22-17
8-24-17 A.B.
I am not drunk. I just had some wine. It was very good, so I had some more.
I am Albanian and there is some shit I just don’t know. I don’t know the difference between ir, er, or whatever, but I know 2 mushrooms and one spoon. #Baste
9-5-17
🎶 Vivi has a BRA!🎶 (This little jingle led to a fun game for the whole family and for teachers in hallways.)
L: Kel, are you painting the white canvas, white?
J: She named her Puggle, PUGGLE!
We're so late. Let’s all get flu shots!
J.D.
P: Nick, don’t leave your seat (Dad taking food)
P- explaining life rules and etiquette of wine and design night.
“Is there glitter in this Sangria?“
L.M.
Wine and Design Puns: Everything is Vine, It’s Easelly done.
It's like the first fart in a relationship. If you wait too long it is awkward.
J.D
12-1-17
She goes right for the glutes.
Anonymous
12-2-17
Guys, I got flipped off for the first time yesterday. Like the first time in my life!!
L.H. (<--she's from Nebraska---people are nice there.)
He reminds me of a wipe. A feminine one.
S.B.
12-13-17
I am so excited for Deepak!
B.H
12-22-17
You have a bra from the circus.
C.B
Do you know what I do when people try to give me Anesthesia? I do calculus to prove to myself that I’m still coherent A.S. 12-22-17
12-24-17
A Thought: if there were to be an emergency on an airplane...I would not be comfortable relying on the people seated in the Emergency exit row...even with their verbal, “Yes.”
12-25-17
I am going to keep feeding you wine until your cheeks are as red as your shirt.
N.Z.
12-28-17
I have been trying to cross my legs for 5 mins. and I can’t figure it out.
L.M.
Oh look they are giving away free air!
Oh yeah, so nice! The air is free and the water is five dollars!
J.D.
K: Jackie are you aware that your daughter looks like a drag queen?
J: Yes. And so does my son!
Christmas Day 2017 When you give a 3-year-old makeup...
C.D.-isms
Plebes
We’re doing the loop.
We’re doing the loop.
WParty
Wherearemypants
WheresTheFuckingWawa I hate this place.
👶🏻 ♿ Oh noooo
SoundsNothingliketheHeadandTheHeart
IWantThisBandtoStop
TheBabyDoesntLikeThisBandEither
LookAtAllThisComraderee
“Kelly! What is happening?! KELLY!!!
Can everyone please sit Down?!
Don’t touch me!
Keep your groceries!
PlebeBaby
PlebeBaby
I feel like we shouldn't be here.
I'm a five-year-old.
The La Croix!
How do we get out?
What are you doing tomorrow? I don't know something about a pow wow.
6,100 ft!
We are up high! That's why the trail was so hard.
F your bday party
I might need you to turn it off.
That's a fire blanket.
Don't panic, it's organic.
_____ is the perfect egg, but I wanna kick him down the stairs.
We're dehydrated. I could drink one more beer.
“Are they seriously done playing right now? They’ve only been playing for an hour! It’s only 9pm. #spoon
I literally only came here to hear one song. Only one.
His voice is so high pitched that you can’t even hear him anymore like a dog whistle...
E.J.
Thanksgiving
Sharkeisha
Did everyone wear the gay necklace? N.A.
I am a Colorado Native. L.M.
Counter that. Jason (disliking beer)
Helmet. Left hand. Overhand N.M.
Get in the helmet!
He didn’t have a chance. K.L.Z.
Coming out AGAIN party. KM
I didn’t touch it because then you will make up another rule. L.M. (beer pong)
Natural Woobie
I got a packet coming.
Father Dino
Frank and beans
Stacey’s Mom
PFs
I just want to get chocolate milk for my Bundt cake. J.C.
Bro Berry Juice T.P. and J.C.
LMisms 2017
I can’t go anywhere, my head is too heavy.
They are doing shots of tequila and we can’t even sit.
I almost choked to death right there.
I may pee my pants on the way to the bathroom. I am seriously so scared that may happen.
Kelly, I want a Turtle on my ass. I never wanted anything more.
Kelly, we just had an entire conversation...under the table.
How many whore parties are we going to?
Kelly, we need to adopt him. On our asses.
Bonus Track: For those of you that know E.B. you know he has his own book of funny sayings. Here are the gems from 2017.
Bonus Track: For those of you that know E.B. you know he has his own book of funny sayings. Here are the gems from 2017.
2-4-17
Here's one for E's book of sayings, "lickety-split shit"
-mom
I just caught your mom imitating me, who is imitating her. I don't know what to call that. I'm so confused! #LicketySplitShit So many applications.
Forgive me for my naïveté, but what do you do when you go camping?
4-8-17
How can I be intimidated by this new job? I'm eating bulls balls.
I've got a belly full of balls.
K: E, there is an elk burger on the menu.
E: When you had Rocky Mountain oysters, everything else so pedestrian. Ya know, bland.
Budweiser it was the beer of empires. My father is famous for falling fast asleep and balancing a beer successfully on his knee.
He would never spill a beer. Ever.
M: E, we should've ordered the pretzel.
E: (shaking his head) No, no, no honey. The pretzel is only for poor people can't afford the bone marrow. Do I sound arrogant? I do! Do I care? No!
Woah! That is steep. That scares me. I can eat bull balls, but I can't look down.
E @ CORockies Game
Why the hell is Natalie merchant speaking like that? She's from Buffalo!
Throws himself back in his wheelchair
E: I'm filled up to my head with everything. Liquids. Solids. I'm up to here.
M: Do you want brownies?
E: Yes!
An outbreak of laughter.
E: What's Jorj doing these days?
K: I think he works at a Kombucha bar last that I heard.
E: What is Kombucha?
K explains.
E: So, he works at a Kombucha bar? How many customers does it get? It's ridiculous. Where did the term Kumbucha come from? Where did Kumbucha originate?
K: I have no idea.
E: My guess is some bonehead hippie out here thought of it.
4-17
What am I doing with these idiots?
This is my circus and these are my monkies.
5-6-17
I don't think Irish people get food poisoning. People can be throwing up all around me. I'm fine.
Dave got Focal Bangar. legally.
10-9-17 (Leif Erickson Day)
I have coal miners lung from cleaning that fireplace.
12-25-17
12-31-17
I just set up Apple Pay. I mean, why ya gotta whip your wallet out?
M: Ed, do you have any quarters?
E: I'm in my pajamas!
(Left Right Center Game)
