2019's Funny Moments

This year was a rough one. Despite the struggles and darkness of 2019, laughter was had, and here are the memories. I did crack up reliving each moment, so thank you to everyone involved for the laughs.

Shout out to my 5-year-old niece Brooklyn & my girlfriend, Katie for being the most entertaining people in 2019! 

Enjoy! 

I wish I had a maid. She would mostly do nothing because I would feel bad, but right now, she would whip me up a snowcone 🍧 

1-4-19 

KS

I was already having a crappy day and I needed ramekins.

JB

1-4-18

A text from my sister: 

Mom took Brooklyn to McDonald’s to get French fries, this is the convo at the drive-through:

Brooklyn: Grandma did you get me a toy with it?

Mom: No. I didn’t order a happy meal. I just got french fries

Brooklyn: So you got a sad meal then? 

1-4-19

A text from my sister: 

The boys are fighting over snowballs in the kitchen. I walk out and say, “I’m going to sit with B.” I sat down and said, “Oh those boys B...” 

Brooklyn: I feel bad for you mommy.” 

Jackie: It’s ok B, I love those boys. They are just boys. Totally different than girls. That’s for sure. 

Brooklyn: Yup, they have wieners.

1-25-19

If you have a rabbit allergy or any farm animal allergy, you shouldn’t be a sub. 

EJ 1-31-19

Mermaids are the biggest tease for a guy. Because there is NO WAY to fuck them. 

KS 2-3-19

Jackie: B do you want to come with me to get decorations for your party or do you want to be surprised?

Brooklyn: I want to be surprised.

Cole chimes in: Me, me, me!

Jackie: Okay, Cole you can come with me to get them for her, but you can’t tell her.

Brooklyn: Actually mommy, I want to go. I want to be surprised so once we get the decorations,  I’ll just erase them from my memory.

2-4-19

Google DONT Drive your ass to work today.

Virtual Day

RT

I'm a gluten plus, dude. I am not gluTEN, I am glutELeven” 

RT

We Willie Winkie - YouTube (Maybe I should have made 2019 Creepy Moments List)

I have met 12 gay Saras. Every other gay person I meet is named Sara.

JB

Mama raised a homosexual, not an idiot.

JF on Scientology propaganda in Los Angeles

2-8-19

You are changing my life, my lezguru.

JF

2-9-19

Kelly: When my dad and I used to bowl together on a league, he’d promise me that if I  knocked down a 2 10 split, he’d take me to Kiddie City (which was like a Toys R Us). 

Katie: I would have robbed an old woman if someone would have told me they’d take me to Toys R Us...AT AGE 5!

Did I tell you my too young rule? 

If I ask them where they were on 9/11 and they don’t remember, they’re too young. 

JF

Brooklyn's 5th birthday

“Mommy! My butt bigger!”

2-12-19

****************************************************************

The following quotes are basically one commercial for 

NJ PEOPLE VACATIONING IN COLORADO 

3-9-19

That fuckin altitude bro. Don’t get me started on that altitude.

AF 

These doughnuts. 

And it was THAT chair.

My mind and body were in two different places 

I was in that chair when I was about to take off. 

JA

JA: I felt like I ate for a full hour. I swear I couldn’t even breathe. 

AF: Yeah, dude. All you kept saying was, “Man. I can’t talk.” 

****************************************************************

A text from Ed: Your mom and I were talking over b’fast speculating on someone’s behavior.

Cindy: What’s your opinion Freud? (sarcasm)

Ed: I’m the closest thing to Freud you will ever meet.

3-3-19

UHaul Has Gift Cards LOL 

3-9-19

Me

3-16-19

Mom: Oh my god! You're going to run that bag over!

Ed: It doesn’t have feelings.

New music to me is like a new car.

KS

Mommy, I didn’t go to school today.

Brooklyn (age 5) at 12:43am on Sunday, March 24th 

She was awake for over 15 hours. 

March in NJ by Kelly 

JF on Dealing with Xfinity

Kelly, I was about to throw my phone into the pool and move into Civic Center Park for the remainder of my life.

3-25-19

I understand IPA fatigue but guess what. I understand oxygen fatigue too. I’m not giving up oxygen and I’m not giving up my New England IPA either.

4-6-19 EB

5-2019

It’s not about the bagels. It’s the creamed cheese. 

EJ (<-----obviously this person is NOT from NJ or NY and has no idea what he is talking about.)

6-2-19

I brought my compost to New Mexico. 

CD

He NEVER finishes a cliff bar. 

CD

Our Natives are Jersey Strong

They don’t run from rain 

Me

I don’t like redheads wearing orange. 

KS

After guessing what year Pocahontas came out. 

Katie: How old were you in 95? 

Kelly: 15...

Katie: What were you doing? 

Kelly: Getting my period for the first time and hanging out in a dirty river.

Katie: I was figuring out that I was attracted to women. I went to see Pocahontas and I was like DAYUM! 

Hahahahahaha

We’ll find all the gays on the island and we will have a gay party 

KS

There’s no T in can!! 

KS 6-11-19

You know money has got the best of a man when he has to leave work early to go get a facial! 

KS

6-18-19

We got our deli stickers and the lady in the bathroom took a video.

KT 6-22-19 @Red Rocks: Umphrey's McGee

I cried more at your wedding than I did at any funeral I’ve ever been to. 

Sammy  (Nina’s dramatic friend) 3-24-19

K: I forgot my glasses. This is going to suck

Linz: Kel, it’s already going to suck. 

Kelly to Brooklyn: Can we trust him? (Asking Brooklyn if we could trust Cole about secrets about mommy‘s birthday.) 

Brooklyn says no and then proceeds to explain how every time she tells Cole something he tells mommy. 

Jackie chimes in: He can’t even talk!

3-21-19

Trivia Names: Quizzle Me Timbers, Whiskepedia

I am just going to sit here and act like I'm in my 40s. RT

VHAB- What other team name has a song? KT

Every time I do mushrooms I end up naked. I punched a guy in the face on a bus and we became friends. 

6-24-19 

Poudre?! One of my red neck cousins named her cat Poudre. 

7-26-19 CD

Kelly: Stephanie! You should be a detective! You are so observant! How do you do it? 

Stephanie: Oh, no way. I would fall asleep during stakeouts. 

Kel: Um...who is asleep on my lawn?

CB: Is there any white paint? 

JD: Of course, there is white paint. We are in Colorado. Everyone on our plane was white. 

Brooklyn: I’m going to move to Colorado when I grow up and Mommy can visit as much as she wants. Brooklyn's CO Experience

Brooklyn after waking up from a long afternoon nap in a new time zone (MT): Aunt Kelly could we do something today?

Jackie: B, It’s still the same day! 

This is the longest day I have ever been alive -Jackie 8-1-19

9-2-19 Text From Jackie, my sister. 

So Hunter just had poop in his diaper. Before he ate, Fred sent him into me to change him (in the living room). So I laid him down and said, "Oh man you stink!" I pulled his shorts off and threw them at him as a joke saying, "Ewww!" He naturally threw them back at me.  I felt like my face was wet. I go to wipe it with my hand and look down... I HAD SHIT ALL OVER MY FACE. 

I screamed to Fred, “YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HIM! I GOT SHIT ALL OVER MY FACE!!” As I’m running to the bathroom to wash my face all the kids are screaming, “Mommy!" 

How did that even happen? Fred’s gaging going, “Oh my god it smells. It’s everywhere.” 

I couldn’t stop laughing. Hunter thinks it’s the funniest thing ever. Fred’s gaging, Cole's following me trying to see what is happening, and Brooklyn’s saying, “Mommy has poop on her face! I can’t believe it!”   😫

We just had a heated discussion about the American education system right over Stephanie in the hot tub. 

SB:(leans head back and closes eyes) "You guys are such losers. Get on my level."

I have yet to meet a person who was born amongst a nondescript forest of maples. 

Mona 

First day of Kindergarten 9-5-19

Jackie: Brooklyn, did you buy lunch?

Brooklyn: No, I ate what you gave me.

Jackie: Then where did the money I gave you go?

Brooklyn: I gave it to the girl.

Jackie: What girl?

Brooklyn: I don’t know.

Jackie logs into her school lunch account...

Jackie: Brooke, it says you bought a hot lunch.

Brooklyn: Well, I went up there, but I didn’t like anything and I didn’t know what the lady was talking about so I just gave her my money. 

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Shoop Playing on Alexa

Remember when you were listening to these songs and I was still a baby? 

KS 9-15-19

Only SUCKERS say lollipop! 

It’s like you guys are from the fifties. May I please have a lollipop?! 

KS 9-15-19

Okay. Football and whatever you’re doing. KS

(Kelly making iMovie about chickens)

9-15-19 Broncos vs Bears

Katie’s thoughts on kombucha 

I need some lettuce with that drink.

I think I am going to spend money on a 12 rack of Pepsi. 

Katie 9-26-19

Putting a firefly in a jar is like killing a fairy. Like Tinkerbell. You may as well be a unicorn killer. 

9-28-19 KS

Sips are gross.

9-28-19

While Brooklyn was face timing with me, she lost her tooth. As she’s showing me her tooth up against the phone, she crinkled her nose and said, “What’s the tooth fairy want this for?"

10-15-19 Mom 

Conversation before bed last night w/ Brooklyn (age 5)

Jackie: I’m going to go to the doctor tomorrow to get my nose fixed.

Brooklyn: Why?

Jackie: Because I’m tired of having nose bleeds.

Brooklyn: And I’m tired of getting your tissues!

😂😂

10-28-19

THEY want a baby? Not even a Medicaid baby...just a regular-ass baby? 

BV 11-1-19

The best place to go to jail here is in the mountains. The worst place is in Denver. 

11-17-19 KS

Does it make me a bad person if I eat the chili crunch by the spoon? I can’t help it. It is so good!!! 

12-1-19 EB

I just want an adult bathroom to have diarrhea. I was going every 30 seconds in a stall next to a 3rd grader.
MF 12-6-19

I like fucking weirdos. You can read that sentence and know I mean both potential meanings. 

MF 12-6-19

It’s hard to do an Irish goodbye with a cooler full of salsa. 

MF 12-6-19

I’ve always wanted to meet someone who was going to wear a cascade dress.

RT 12-8-19

A jet pack seems so scary. I’d break ALL my teeth. 

SB

She’s totally finger banging the cobbler right now.

R.T. 12-8-19

KT: Eileen - Get it? She walks on one leg.

RT: In Japan she’s Irene 

12-8-19

Teachers don’t just get a holiDAY off, you get a holiWEEK! 
12-13-19 KS

KT: Eileen - she walks on one leg

In Japan she’s Irene 

RT

I have infant hair. I am probably balding. 

Elmers 

Shredded Lizard 🦎 

Lauren 

An Attitude of Gratitude Project

An Attitude of Gratitude Project 

After reading this article about gratitude, I decided to participate in some of the action steps mentioned in it. Thank you to my step-sister, Carly for sending it to me.  I wrote up this post to share a brief summary of the article, include important quotes, and highlight action steps. 

I plan to print and post it in my house to be read over and over. 

I encourage you to participate and comment here about your experience. 

happiness is an inside job

Having an attitude of gratitude changes the molecular structure of the brain, keeps gray matter functioning and makes us healthier and happier. When you feel happiness, the central nervous system is affected. You are more peaceful, less reactive and less resistant. Now that’s a really cool way of taking care of your well-being.

The Facts: Scientists have discovered that feelings of gratitude can actually change your brain. Feeling gratitude can also be a great tool for overcoming depression and anxiety. Furthermore, scientists have discovered that the heart sends signals to the brain. 


Reflect On: Every time we struggle with depression, why are we constantly encouraged to take prescription medication when mindfulness techniques actually show more promise?

Gratitude is a funny thing. In some parts of the world, 

1. somebody who gets a clean drink of water
2. some food
3. a worn-out pair of shoes

...can be extremely grateful. Let's all remember THAT!

Action Steps

1. Write a letter of gratitude to another person every week for a month or more. gratitude writing can be beneficial not just for healthy, well-adjusted individuals, but also for those who struggle with mental health concerns. 
2. Keep a short gratitude journal to describe 5 things you are grateful for that have occurred in the past week. Ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group felt better about their lives as a whole and were a full 25 percent happier than the troubled group. They reported fewer health complaints and exercised an average of 1.5 hours more. 
3. Do a “pay it forward” when you are feeling grateful. distinguish between actions motivated by gratitude and actions driven by other motivations like obligation, guilt, or what other people think. This is important because you can’t fake gratitude, you actually have to feel it.

• Gratitude unshackles us from toxic emotions

• Gratitude helps even if you don’t share it

• Gratitude’s benefits take time & practice. You might not feel it right away.

• Gratitude has lasting effects on the brain

CONSCIOUSNESS

In a world where emotions aren’t really taught in school (but oh, they should be) and the importance is put on striving for high grades, it’s not abnormal to have difficulty feeling grateful. This is especially understandable if you’ve been brought up in the western world, which is full of consumerism and competition, a world where we’re constantly made to feel we are lacking so we need to strive for more.

...when a person is feeling really positive emotions like gratitude, love, or appreciation, the heart beats out a different message, which determines what kind of signals are sent to the brain.

“We are fundamentally and deeply connected with each other and the planet itself.” 

Research findings have shown that as we practice heart coherence and radiate love and compassion, our heart generates a coherent electromagnetic wave into the local field environment that facilitates social coherence, whether in the home, workplace, classroom or sitting around a table. As more individuals radiate heart coherence, it builds an energetic field that makes it easier for others to connect with their hearts. So, theoretically, it is possible that enough people building individual and social coherence could actually contribute to an unfolding global coherence. – McCratey

Every individual’s energy affects the collective field environment. This means each person’s emotions and intentions generate an energy that affects the field. A first step in diffusing societal stress in the global field is for each of us to take personal responsibility for our own energies. We can do this by increasing our personal coherence and raising our vibratory rate, which helps us become more conscious of the thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that we are feeding the field each day. We have a choice in every moment to take to heart the significance of intentionally managing our energies. This is the free will or local freedom that can create global cohesion. – Dr. Deborah Rozman, the President of Quantum Intech (source)

Overall, this type of work suggests that human consciousness, in general, can change the world.

Emotions and other factors associated with consciousness have the power to transform our inner world in ways we don’t fully understand yet. These findings show how consciousness can actually transform the physical/material world, and that’s huge. This validates the idea that if we can change our inner world through gratitude, empathy, compassion, and meditation, we can make our outer world more peaceful.

Please join me in my Attitude of Gratitude Project and together we can change the world one thought at a time.

Kelly Miragliotta

October 30th, 2019

A snow day in the beautiful state of Colorado.

P.S. Most of what is written above are exact quotes or paraphrasing from this article. #TakeThatMLACitations

Parent E-mail May 7th 2019

Dear Parents,

Hello. I have so much gratitude for each of you who thanked me yesterday, gave me a much-needed embrace, and sent heartfelt e-mails. Your kind words and thanks are helping me get through this awful & emotional time. I cannot imagine what it was like to be left to wonder about the safety of your child once you found out about what was happening. I would like to give you as many details as possible about the experience yesterday in hopes to help you understand the environment, precautions taken, and shed some light on a horrific event.

The students were finishing up a brain break during the writing period when I heard the lockdown announcement. I followed all procedures from training, locking the door, shutting off the lights, and ushering the students to a place out of sight. I took attendance, double-counted, and triple-counted. I realized that one student had asked to use the restroom and hoped that he knew to get to the nearest classroom or hide if he was still in the bathroom.  At first, I thought it was just a drill, but as the announcement continued to repeat itself, “Lockdown. Locks, lights, out of sight,” I heard 2 loud pops that I knew were not good sounds. Luckily, the kids didn’t notice them. Ms. Jan, our EA was in the classroom. She assisted in counting and helping to keep the kids quiet. As I realized the lockdown was not a drill, I started to move the kids closer together to make a tight little circle in the library corner of our classroom.

I got up to grab my phone and noticed the overwhelming number of police vehicles out the window. My mouth went dry and my hands began to shake. I tried my best to keep the kids calm. At this point, a few of them were crying thinking it was not only a drill. I encouraged them to take some deep breaths and assured them that they were safe. As scary and horrible as this whole situation turned out to be, the love in the room was intense as well. Students reached out to hold hands, wrap an arm around a friend, squeeze a shoulder, rub a back, pass a tissue, and even give a sneaker squeeze. I sent countless messages trying to find my missing student but had no luck.

I wish I never had to witness so much fear on the faces of children, but it was there. While managing my phone and Ms. Jan’s phone, I learned about what was going on. My family in NJ was sending me news updates and the 27 students, Ms. Jan, and I sat together waiting. When I received the text that each class was going to be ushered out by police, I finally told them that this wasn’t a drill and they had to listen to me very carefully. We all tried to be as quiet as possible. I gave out peppermint candy to help suppress coughing. I told them that the door was going to open and police officers were going to take us to safety.

At this point, more students started crying because they were worried about their family members that either worked in or attended our school. I continued reassuring them that they are safe and that I will protect them. It must have been terrifying for them to hear the pounding footsteps on the roof, see the reflection of flashing lights on the wall, and experience commands and walkie-talkie sounds from the hallway. I assured them that those sounds were good and that the police were there to protect us all. I admired their bravery and wondered what their young minds were thinking.

I admit that I dreaded the moment when our classroom door would open. Students continued to give each other reassuring smiles and check-ins. It was heart-warming to witness their compassion during such a scary time. After almost 2 hours, our classroom door opened and 3 fully armed officers entered our 4th-grade classroom. A scene no student nor teacher should ever have to experience. They were as gentle in their words as they could be. They asked me how many people were in the classroom and I told them 29. They instructed us to put our hands on our heads after shoving anything we had into our pockets. It was breaking my heart that the kids had to do this.

We were ushered out of the classroom leaving behind open Chromebooks, unfinished fractured fairy tales, and lines of poetry scattered about. A learning environment, frozen in time.  In the hallway, more officers directed us down the stairs and out the western elementary entrance. Once outside, we were allowed to remove our hands from our heads. We walked across the street and stood on the sidewalk waiting for buses. It was hard to keep the kids quiet while listening to instructions from police officers. The students did not know what had happened. It was even more difficult to keep my emotions together as my partner, family, and friends called and texted their concerns.  My colleagues and I tried to maintain order in the midst of sirens, flashing lights, announcements, and frantic parents.

Yellow school buses arrived to take us to Northridge Recreation Center and we boarded the bus packing 3 students to a seat. I can’t imagine what was going through their minds as we exited the school grounds passing a helicopter, ambulances, firetrucks, and countless police vehicles and officers. “Woah, this is a big deal,” I heard one of them observe. It felt surreal to see for myself and still could not react the way my mind was beckoning me to. I focused on the kids and continued to inquire via text about the student who left class to use the bathroom. I was so worried about him.

Once we arrived at the recreation center, teachers organized students in alphabetical order on designated tennis courts and I kept my eye on the door of arriving students, soaked with rain, hoping to see my last student. As I walked down my line of students, asking them for their date of birth, I saw that many of them were being kids-- playing chopsticks and laughing with friends. They inquired about the missing student and admired their concern for others in the face of all of this confusion. A few students, rightfully so, were white with concern for their siblings who were also students.

As soon as I could, I left my class with the other 4th-grade teachers and Ms. Jan to try and find a sister, a brother, and my missing student. I felt like I couldn't breathe until I found him and knew he was safe. I asked a police officer if the team swept the bathrooms in elementary school and he assured me that they did. This made me feel a little better, but I continued looking for him.

Finally, another group of students was bussed in and I saw a little person wrapped in a soaking wet oversized red zip-up being embraced by an older girl. It was HIM and he was with his sister. I felt like after 3.5 hours, I could finally breathe again. Eventually, I was able to reunite him with the class. They cheered as we approached and my heart was full. They welcomed him back and we all sat together waiting to reunite each student with their parents- grade by grade. Students asked me if I knew what happened and I told them that didn’t know but was trying to find out. A lie I felt bad about, but I felt was justified.

When it was our turn to leave the tennis courts, we held hands and made our way up the stairs to the mirrored exercise studio. As parents were matched with their children, I started to tear up because of all the love in the room. Smiles and relief in all of your faces tugged at my emotions.

Again, I thank you all for the kind words and embraces. I have been thinking about each child and wish I could give them all a hug right now. They were so brave and I am proud of them.

I promise to do what I can to make a change in school safety. My former students from NJ have reached out in concern. These sweet 13-year-olds should not have to be worried about their teacher. This breaks my heart, but it is very real and sadly a part of the world we all live in. I will continue to teach respect, empathy, kindness, tolerance, and acceptance to every student I have. We need more love in this world to drive out hate and it starts with children. I promise to continue to read diverse books, infuse the curriculum with life lessons from my travels & life experiences, and encourage children to live a life of wonder, acceptance, tolerance, and kindness.

I hope this e-mail gives you some comfort. Please give your child a hug from me this evening and convey that I am proud to be their teacher and that I am thinking of them.

With Love,

Ms. Miragliotta

RESOURCES

Parent Guidelines for Helping Youth After the Recent Shooting

The Role for Caring Adults After a School or Community Tragedy

Student Perpetrators of School Violence

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers - Spanish

Care for Caregivers: Tips for Families and Educators

Care for Caregivers: Tips for Families and Educators - Spanish

The Evolution of Grandma's Cookwear

March 18, 2019

     Sentimental is not a word I would have used to describe myself. Analyzing my mother and her close relationship with "stuff" it is very easy to describe her as nostalgic. As a kid, helping her decorate the house with my sister, we'd hear her say things like, "That was my Aunt Eva's or Aunt Helen gave me this." I didn't understand the sentimental feeling I observed in her until people in my life started passing away and I started living on my own. Now, dear mother, I understand.
     Before I moved to Colorado, I had been living in my Grandma Josephine's basement. Sadly, on January 18th at the age of 94, she had a massive stroke and passed away. Just the night before her stroke, she was carrying on with her normal routine of dinner (the main course in which iceberg lettuce drowning in olive oil and balsamic vinegar was always a part of), sharing a golden delicious apple with my Puggle, and taking her 3-wheeler down to her friend Betty Jean's house for a visit. This was typical behavior of this very active senior citizen whom everyone in the neighborhood loved and looked out for.  Living in Grandma's house without her proved difficult.
     However difficult it was, I continued moving forward and thought about how lucky I was to have spent the last year of Grandma Josephine's life living with her. She developed a relationship with Puggle and I got to know her better. I learned her routines, habits, and best of all her stories. Sidenote: I'm glad old people repeat themselves. I must have heard a few of her stories multiple times and still have trouble recalling 100% of them.  While living with her, I left an invitation to a dinner party in her basement on her lap as she napped in her reclining chair in her beloved "TV Room." She awoke, read the note, and RSVPed yes by shouting from the top of the basement stairs. She did not dare climb down the steps because she was forbidden to descend without an escort as per an official document created by my Aunt Rosemarie. The document was displayed on the low wooden door crafted by my dad just in case she needed a reminder. She enjoyed the invitation to dinner and wine in her basement & the actual food and booze that was had. After we colored on a mural I had purchased at a local craft store, the story-telling began. I was smart enough to record this session, but have yet to listen to it 3 years later. I believe it was the story about her appendicitis onset while out picking berries.
     It was 2016 and I had 3 more months until I was moving to Colorado. Luckily, I had so many sick days remaining with my teaching job that I was able to take a day off with my mom. Our task was to relocate me from the basement to the main level of the house. The basement had been cozy, but cold. I even became accustomed to showering in a closet containing a small, but tall shower stall (RIPseuss) crafted by my father when he lived in the same space. It was minimal and worked just fine. However, I thought sunlight and heat would be nice and Puggle (current nickname: Esther current age: 91) would be thankful not to have to climb and descend a full flight of steep basement stairs multiple times daily.
     On moving (aka elevation relocation) day, I brought boxes and random items up the basement steps and my mom organized them on the main level. We tackled the kitchen first and it was then she started to realize how much of my kitchen materials came from my Grandma Marge (her mother), my Grandma Josephine (owner of the current house setting), and my mother herself. At one point, she had discovered a bowl that she had stolen years earlier from Shikki House (a Japanese restaurant that we could only have once in a blue moon because it was expensive). She yelled, "Kelly! You must come into all our houses at night and steal our shit!" I was cackling & thinking that this was one of the most amusing things my mom has ever said. I must write this down. While shaking with laughter, I grabbed my iPhone and feverishly recorded her words in 2016's Book of Funny Things (4-5-16 Thank you, Evernote). She was right in that I had a lot of other people's "shit," but she was wrong about how I acquired it. I didn't steal kitchen materials from family members' houses like some type of thieving village/suburb ninja.  There are perfectly good explanations for all goods in question. Grandma Marge's silverware, mugs, and dishes were either given directly to me before she passed away or taken by me after (totally fair). Grandma Josephine's cookware was in use because I lived there and anything I had adopted was family approved. As far as obtaining my mother's things...it's fuzzy. I can't really remember exactly when I had acquired her things, but thinking back, I don't feel as if any of it was gained maliciously. I am not the one who steals salt and pepper shakers and spoons at restaurants because they are cute, MOM. *
     Now, unlike both of my grandmothers, I use the fine china and the good silverware on a daily basis. I think of them each time I sip out of Grandma Josephine's flowery glass coffee mug or pass someone a fork from Grandma Marge's silverware set that was only used for holidays. Yes, mom, I also think of you (and your thievery) when I use the "monkey dish" from Shikki House. Sentimental I have become and I am totally okay with it.
     The truth is...Grandmas' cookware has gone through a noteworthy evolution. Growing up in New Jersey, the cookware contained meatballs, mashed potatoes, zucchini casserole, angel hair pasta, macaroni and cheese, and pirogies. Families gathered together at a large table to feast on its contents. Today, Grandmas' cookware is in Morrison, Colorado. It is currently being used to bake homemade granola bars in the kitchen of two lesbians.
     There you have the evolution of Grandmas' casserole dishes. Thanks, Grandmas. I think of you both every single day. I wonder where the cookware will be used next.

Lesbians and Their Granola

It looks like Aunt Rosemarie killed it, Nik-Nock.

*While reading this part of the story aloud, to my mother, she picked up the butter knife sitting in front of her, paused and stated, "Who knows where this is from?" LOL

38 Things I Learned in 2018

2018 was a year of many things laughs, moving (of course), LOVE, and learning. Here are some of the things I learned in 2018.

1. Pro Tip: If you can't eat it, buy a candle flavored like it. -Keto Connect dude 

2. You know that your work pants are very comfortable when you almost leave the house for the gym and realize you were still wearing them.

3. I just read a sign on a McDonald’s. “If you can’t make it to us, we’ll bring it to you!” McDonald’s flippin delivers. #$5GetYourselfABigMac

4. I need to live in Denver. 

4.b. Dude you can borrow camping gear from the library. Beth

5. When you find crumbs on your shirt from the last slice of the Joey D's NJ pizza in your freezer, you do not brush them off...You EAT THEM. Every. Single. Crumb. 

NJ Pizza Wins

5.a. Always wait in book signing lines in CO. Nobody fights and the line moves wicked fast. #NiceSneaksDeepak

6. Sometimes you gotta turn her off to turn her on. R.T. 3-5-18

He was referring to the copy machine, you perverts. 

7. I got sunburned through my windshield on the way to Breck. The temperature was cold and the sun felt so warm on my face, so I didn’t use the sun visor in my car. Lesson learned.

8. Puggle is afraid of the wind. I found her hiding/somewhat stuck under my bed. Another reason I need to move. Crazy Lady doesn't close the sliding door in the kitchen. The wicked wind makes it look like the devil is breakdancing in the kitchen. 

9.  When driving around the Rockies in a snowstorm, leave your GPS on only so you know how many more terrifying minutes and miles it will be until you get to safety. Also, your GPS will help you read the street signs when they are covered in snow.

10. I lived with a person who is bipolar. She confused me every single day. Nothing she did made any sense.  Lesson learned: no bipolar roommates. 

11. Toothpick boxes are so damn secure until you open them. Then you got a bunch of little daggers falling everywhere. There’re on the floor, all over the inside of your cabinets when you move. When the hell will I ever need 800 round toothpicks? 1/2 the box gets dumped out accidentally and the other 1/2 minus the twenty toothpicks you actually bought the box for. 

Toothpicks are meant to be stolen.

12. While wandering the West Highlands neighborhood on a Sunday, you may stumble upon many Open Houses. Go inside. They offer mimosas, quiche, and LaCroix on ice. I felt like I was in a scene from I Love You, Man. 

13. Snookie wrote a book. Snookie from Jersey shore wrote a flippin book.

14. Breakfast burritos are not meant to be eaten while driving in the car on the way to work.

15. A psychologist in Africa thought of the idea to certify grandmothers in mental health so when families can’t afford the bus to get to get to his office they can go to their local grandmother for therapy and emotional support or focus on dealing with depression. 

16. Coloradans love horses so much.

17. People in CO have diving skills! Realization at the community pool in Ken Caryl

18. If I were ever homeless and in need of a shower and water, I would come to the Ken Caryl community pool.

19. When camping in Colorado, you do not have to walk far to begin scavenging for tiny little twigs and then larger sticks to start your fire. There’s so much wood all around you that the 10 foot radius around the fire provides more than enough kindling. I caught myself walking around the campsite and realized I didn’t have to go very far. This made me think of camping at Timberland Lake New Jersey and how scarce little sticks were. I love it here.

20. It is fun to throw dinner parties in the woods.

21. Strategic movement helps me solve jigsaw puzzles.

22. The intellectual dark web exists. 

23. My mother LOVES Macy’s. 

24. Always bring multiple sets of headphones on road trips and airplane rides. (USB and Aux cable variety-noise canceling is best)

25. Dear Palisades Peaches 🍑, I love you.

26. It’s a lot harder to keep tattoos hydrated in Colorado...seems like there isn’t enough Aquaphor in the world. 

27. Mirror is a fascinating word

28. Joe Foster doesn’t know how to loosen a bra strap. However, he is faster than any of my former roommates when it comes to installing my bra strap hiding gadget. Sorry, Adam. Thank you, mother. 

29. As of 9-19-18, there are no ginger emoji choices. Why doesn’t the blond with the ponytail emoji have a brunette option? I own the ponytail. May I suggest a messy bun emoji? 

30. I can not sleep well or fall back to sleep easily when I am cold.

31. 7 = the number of bounty paper towels I need to replace a bath towel when stepping out of the shower 10-11-18 1st night in CO Springs house & i forgot my towel.

32. Alexa Echo Plus kicks Echo’s 2nd Generation ass Research actual name of upgrade (dot?) mini Alexa and Alexa 

33. Tonight, I think I finally figured out how to keep a toothpick box from exploding. Give the know-it-all box a little shake while tilting it back to close securely. It only took me until age 37 3/4 to figure it out. 

34.  Drop a pin when you park and don't know where in the city of Denver you are. Sorry, Caitlin. I am still working on getting my city legs. 

35. I will consider eating a moldy maple candy for exactly 11 seconds before I bitch slap myself in the senses. Maybe a bitch slap is effective because if you slap a person hard enough, all 5 senses will be stimulated at once. You see the hand coming at ya. You definitely feel the crisp contact. We all know the sound of a slap. You could taste and smell the scent of blood. 

36. If you are ever hungover, jump on a cold Colorado Lake. You will be immediately cured. (KS)

37. The term ganja is derived from Sanskrit. 
38. I made #4 happen.