Words that Made Me LOL in 2017

The people responsible for the quotes listed below in 2017's "book of funny things," shall remain anonymous. This allows me to post almost every entry to this blog.  Thank you to everyone quoted here for adding humor to the world. I appreciate you! 

M.S.(Mid-script- I just created it.) While editing and revising these face crackers, I relived each and every moment as a memory. These entries were just the mind-jogger I needed to travel back in time and most importantly laugh! 

Time travel with me...Enjoy! 

I feel it! Kelly, this is the first time I've been buzzed in two weeks! 

B.H. 1-1-17 Roof Top Tavern after returning from NJ. 

I'm full and I need to stop, but pass the byriani!

B.H 1-7-17 #Bawarchi 

J: Babe, you put them in the wrong cribs again. THIS is Hunter.

F: No way, that is Cole.

J: No, it's definitely Hunter. 

F: Check his penis. 

That one always makes me crack up. Hence the bold. 

The soup lady blocked me!

1-13-17 L.H. 

Me: What are you doing this weekend? 

N.C.Honest answer. I am going to dress up as a giant sriracha hot sauce and go ice climbing.

1-13-17 

E.D. 1-13-17

No, take the five bucks go buy yourself a Big Mac. 

Finn's Bar

I just downloaded the McDonald's App, so I think she is more sober.

V.C. 1-13-17

In 2005 Facebook came out and then dogs started getting profiles and then grandma's. I'm out. B.H.

VC: Should I get rid of facebook? 

BH: Yes. It's a disease. 

Why the fuck did I stay up all night talking about placemats? 

A.B. 1-19-17 

I've only ever met Tony Danza!

B.H. about the Bachelor couple 

1-21-17

I can't get shit faced because I have to go to the post office tomorrow.

C.D. #postal

I chipped my tooth so bad, I looked like Jewel.

I never wrote down who said this. Please let me know if it was you. I enjoy giving credit, but not extra credit. #AskMyStudents

I wanted to borrow her carpets for Chinese New Year, but she glued them to the floor. 

Anonymous

Have you seen the Norwegian curling team?  They have the best pants.

2-17-17 E.C.

Judging people is so much fun. 

C.T. #themoth

K: Why isn't anyone clapping?

B: I don't know. There's a weird vibe in here. Everyone has a mustache and a hat. 

I'm so glad you guys have each other, but I literally want to vomit. 

He says the worst things. 

K.L.S 3-11-17

No, I didn't have any of that in the car. I was so Mormon at the time! 

K.L.S.3-11-17

He loves your sweatpants and your taco face. He's trying to be your husband.

3-17-17 J.H.

Neighbors are just geography.

When you can make fun of the people in line with me...that's when we can go to Disney World together.

J.H. 3-17-17

K: It is a perfect sky and perfect day. Look at that. 

L: And I'm almost at 20,000 steps!

I had a pet cockroach. 

L.H. 3-19-17

I feel like I can make anything out of PVC pipe. 

L.M. March 31 17

Why does he feel so guilty, like a vagina face?

B.H.

3-31-17

Did I coffee your tea? 

Snooze server to mom

4-8-17

Do you think I wouldn't be friends with a guy who brings a tambourine into a karaoke bar? N.M.

If there is one thing I learned from Nick, it's how to use Fuck the right way and often.

K.L.Z. 4-28-17

Take all the dicks you want. Just don't be one. 

JB to PP

I want to have sex with these candles. 

B.H.

Candelaria

K: After you close up the chickens, could you pick lettuce from the garden for dinner? 

CB: Whaaaa? I came here to help you. I didn't come here to live off the land! 

6-23-17

I fight with artificial intelligence, OFTEN. 

C.D. 

Menver 

A hula hoop! That is a red flag ⛳ right there! 

She put on her hula hoop pants.

That was the whitest rice I ever had.

A.P.  8-14-17

I like my chickens, my garden, and my sourdough. 

M.S. 8-22-17

8-24-17 A.B.

I am not drunk. I just had some wine. It was very good, so I had some more.

I am Albanian and there is some shit I just don’t know.  I don’t know the difference between ir, er, or whatever, but I know 2 mushrooms and one spoon. #Baste

9-5-17

🎶 Vivi has a BRA!🎶 (This little jingle led to a fun game for the whole family and for teachers in hallways.)

L: Kel, are you painting the white canvas, white? 

J: She named her Puggle, PUGGLE! 

We're so late. Let’s all get flu shots! 

J.D. 

P: Nick, don’t leave your seat  (Dad taking food)

P- explaining life rules and etiquette of wine and design night. 

“Is there glitter in this Sangria?“

L.M.

Wine and Design Puns: Everything is Vine, It’s Easelly done.

It's like the first fart in a relationship. If you wait too long it is awkward.

J.D

12-1-17

She goes right for the glutes.

Anonymous

12-2-17

Guys, I got flipped off for the first time yesterday. Like the first time in my life!! 

L.H. (<--she's from Nebraska---people are nice there.)

He reminds me of a wipe. A feminine one. 

S.B.

12-13-17

I am so excited for Deepak!

B.H

12-22-17

You have a bra from the circus.

C.B

Do you know what I do when people try to give me Anesthesia? I do calculus to prove to myself that I’m still coherent A.S. 12-22-17

12-24-17 

A Thought: if there were to be an emergency on an airplane...I would not be comfortable relying on the people seated in the Emergency exit row...even with their verbal, “Yes.”

12-25-17

I am going to keep feeding you wine until your cheeks are as red as your shirt. 

N.Z.

12-28-17

I have been trying to cross my legs for 5 mins. and I can’t figure it out. 

L.M.

Oh look they are giving away free air! 

Oh yeah, so nice! The air is free and the water is five dollars!

J.D.

K: Jackie are you aware that your daughter looks like a drag queen? 

J: Yes. And so does my son! 

Christmas Day 2017 When you give a 3-year-old makeup... 

C.D.-isms

Plebes
We’re doing the loop. 

WParty

Wherearemypants 

WheresTheFuckingWawa I hate this place.

👶🏻 ♿ Oh noooo

SoundsNothingliketheHeadandTheHeart 

IWantThisBandtoStop

TheBabyDoesntLikeThisBandEither

LookAtAllThisComraderee

“Kelly! What is happening?! KELLY!!! 

Can everyone please sit Down?! 

Don’t touch me!

Keep your groceries!
PlebeBaby

I feel like we shouldn't be here.

I'm a five-year-old. 

The La Croix! 

How do we get out? 

What are you doing tomorrow? I don't know something about a pow wow.

6,100 ft! 

We are up high! That's why the trail was so hard. 

F your bday party

I might need you to turn it off.

That's a fire blanket.

Don't panic, it's organic.

_____ is the perfect egg, but I wanna kick him down the stairs. 

We're dehydrated. I could drink one more beer. 

“Are they seriously done playing right now? They’ve only been playing for an hour! It’s only 9pm. #spoon

I literally only came here to hear one song. Only one. 

His voice is so high pitched that you can’t even hear him anymore like a dog whistle...

E.J.

Thanksgiving

Sharkeisha 

Did everyone wear the gay necklace? N.A.

I am a Colorado Native. L.M.

Counter that. Jason (disliking beer)

Helmet. Left hand. Overhand N.M.

Get in the helmet! 

He didn’t have a chance. K.L.Z.

Coming out AGAIN party. KM

I didn’t touch it because then you will make up another rule. L.M. (beer pong)

Natural Woobie

I got a packet coming. 

Father Dino

Frank and beans

Stacey’s Mom 

PFs

I just want to get chocolate milk for my Bundt cake. J.C.

Bro Berry Juice T.P. and J.C.

LMisms 2017

I can’t go anywhere, my head is too heavy.

They are doing shots of tequila and we can’t even sit. 

I almost choked to death right there. 

I may pee my pants on the way to the bathroom. I am seriously so scared that may happen.

Kelly, I want a Turtle on my ass. I never wanted anything more. 

Kelly, we just had an entire conversation...under the table.

How many whore parties are we going to?

Kelly, we need to adopt him. On our asses. 


Bonus Track: For those of you that know E.B. you know he has his own book of funny sayings. Here are the gems from 2017. 

2-4-17

Here's one for E's book of sayings, "lickety-split shit"

-mom

I just caught your mom imitating me, who is imitating her. I don't know what to call that. I'm so confused! #LicketySplitShit So many applications. 

Forgive me for my naïveté, but what do you do when you go camping? 

4-8-17

How can I be intimidated by this new job? I'm eating bulls balls. 

I've got a belly full of balls. 

K: E, there is an elk burger on the menu. 

E: When you had Rocky Mountain oysters, everything else so pedestrian. Ya know, bland.

Budweiser it was the beer of empires. My father is famous for falling fast asleep and balancing a beer successfully on his knee. 

He would never spill a beer. Ever. 

M: E, we should've ordered the pretzel. 

E: (shaking his head) No, no, no honey. The pretzel is only for poor people can't afford the bone marrow. Do I sound arrogant? I do! Do I care? No!

Woah! That is steep. That scares me. I can eat bull balls, but I can't look down.

E @ CORockies Game

Why the hell is Natalie merchant speaking like that? She's from Buffalo! 

Throws himself back in his wheelchair 

E: I'm filled up to my head with everything. Liquids. Solids. I'm up to here.

M: Do you want brownies?

E: Yes!

An outbreak of laughter.

E: What's Jorj doing these days?

K: I think he works at a Kombucha bar last that I heard.

E: What is Kombucha?

K explains.

E: So, he works at a Kombucha bar? How many customers does it get? It's ridiculous. Where did the term Kumbucha come from? Where did Kumbucha originate? 

K: I have no idea. 

E: My guess is some bonehead hippie out here thought of it. 

4-17

What am I doing with these idiots? 

This is my circus and these are my monkies.

5-6-17

I don't think Irish people get food poisoning. People can be throwing up all around me. I'm fine. 

Dave got Focal Bangar.  legally. 

10-9-17 (Leif Erickson Day)

I have coal miners lung from cleaning that fireplace. 

12-25-17

12-31-17 

I just set up Apple Pay. I mean, why ya gotta whip your wallet out? 

M: Ed, do you have any quarters? 

E: I'm in my pajamas! 

(Left Right Center Game)

85 Things I've Learned in 2017

My longest list of "things" so far...in no particular order...I hope you learn something and ultimately are entertained with a side of confusion. Yes, I know that I am ridiculous. 

1 I like to drink hot, honey water in the winter. A soul-stirring book makes a nice pair. #milkandhoney or #waterandhoney 

2 Everyone needs at least one good knife in their house.

3 See photo because this confusion made my brain hurt: What is the difference between sarcasm, facetiousness, and just f-ing with people? Thanks to Juleh and Bond for this one-

4. Canadian Tuxedo: Jean on Jean 

5. Lesson learned...never rely on the battery of an iPhone 📱 during a winter hike. Always bring the Cannon. Always. #HangingLake 

6. Needy people suck.

7. Winter hiking! Get yourself a pair of microspikes and fill your pack with peaks! #AWholeNewWorld 

8. I found the perfect PMS food for me. French's jalapeño crisps found at Costco. When I am PMS-ing I crave spicy and salty. This bag of heaven takes care of both cravings in a few bites. The best part is the spice is intense enough for me where I cannot eat anymore after a handful or two. Therefore cutting me off from overeating. Overheating leads to overeating prevention. 

#CravingFullySatisfied #theyearIgotfat

19. Everyone looks sophisticated while wearing a pair of safety glasses. 

20. La Croix...life changing. Refreshing and guilt free. Coconut and Lime are my faves after trying every single "essence." Now I understand why we never saw a Hatch Expeditions River Guide without one in their hand. 3-11-17

21. Miragliottas are clappers. 

22. One way to drink really hot coffee is to eat a gelato at the same time. Alternate hands and enjoy. #theyearIgotfat

23. Don't decide to purchase a new car in 2 hours. #idiot 

24. Baths! Where have they been? I should have been taking baths for years. They are relaxing and water helps me think. Music and the perfect lighting. Aqua notes.  The bathtub is my think tank.

25. Gelato is to coffee as a cold beer is to a hot bath. 

26. Word vomit that shit. ~Bobby Brower on starting to write

27. I am addicted to social media. 

28. Do you know how the wild Asian ass mates? The male noisily chases females (young following close behind her) around. Females kick at his throat to fight him off. Exhausted from recently giving birth and raising young, they finally give it up.  I think when you call someone an ass you are actually calling them a rapist.

29. Tornadoes made of fire occur in Australia. I'm serious.

30. Peppermint does not keep spiders away. 

31. A good friend takes your dead bird home to their apartment dumpster so it doesn't stink up your garbage can.

32. Have no friends not equal to yourself. -Mr. Browne Auggie & Me

33. Portlandia is genius and hilarious! 

34. Chickens retreat to the coop after sunset when they feel predators may be around. 

35. My sister, Jackie could possibly be part chicken. Ask for her impression.  

36. If everyone made a conscious effort to build reflection into their daily routine, the results could change the world for the better. ~Me

37. Shivering after anesthesia is common. 

38. A sports bra doubles as a transportation device for items that don't fit in your pockets while using crutches to walk. 

39. When life changes, so do your eggs. -Bobby Brower 

40. Crutches are a great tool for killing spiders (and for many other tasks featured here). 

41. Deon Cole is right. Why aren't there any black band-aids? 

42. Coloradans drizzle honey INSIDE their pizza crust. I am still not sure how I feel about this. 

43. I dress like a Viking child. 

44. Berserker (what a fun word to say)! It gives Francisco some stiff competition. 

45. Roasted tomatoes...wow. Make pizza from scratch.

46. When exiting your car as the driver, reach for the handle with your right hand so your body turns to look for bikers. #doored prevention Thanks, Chris Thai

47. Attend a comedy show in a new town or state and you will learn a lot about that new place. 

48. When bread making, kneading an important step! Duh, Kelly. 

49. Once one of your dog's ACLs tear, it is only a matter of time before the other one tears as well.

50. Nationwide Pet Insurance sucks (at least my plan sucks). I should've started paying myself between $30 and $60 a month instead of getting pet insurance years ago.

51. Cosmos Creations Maple Pecan Premium Puffed Corn is heaven on earth. Thanks, Mom.

52. Dishwashers...what a smart invention. I truly appreciate that machine and the hand cream (yes, cream, not lotion is advisable in CO) it saves me from needing. 

53. Chris's Cick-Ass Cake Cocktail (Moscow Mule with a Jamaican twist and some party (B-day cake vodka) flav. 

54. I'm glad Puggle will be sticking around for a few more years. Surgery was a good choice. 

55. I have never been good at using eye drops and am pretty much a baby about it. However, it's so dry in CO, I find myself using them more frequently. I discovered that using eyedrops in the dark is easier for me because I can't anticipate the drop because I can't see it and do not blink as much. Disclaimer, if you try my method, you may waste a lot of eye drops, so get your AIM game on.

56. Today, I decided it was time to learn how to fold a fitted sheet. Here is the woman who taught me how to do it. Thank you Teresa Sanderson. 9-23-17 Finally. 

57. It's difficult to balance quarters in a bar in Colorado.  (so many hills)

58A. My mother has Saran Wrap that is dedicated just to the holiday of Easter.

58B. I noticed that she has a strange obsession for freshening the air... each room in the house has a different scent. Her white Santa Fe currently has a combined scent of Morning Fresh (thank you, Jorj)  and a mystery soap in a silver cage that will probably find a home hanging from the rearview mirror. If she can ever open it again with her long nails. #nailsdone

58C. She has a super sense of smell. 

59. Long fingernails freak me out. Claws. AH!

60. There are two kinds of people in this world… People who recognize, appreciate, and create puns as often as possible. And people who don’t understand or appreciate puns.

61. I know how to can (or jar) food, keep a yeast culture alive (thank you Marissa), and make sourdough bread from scratch. #levi

62. Chapped lips enhance wine lips #COWinters Looking in the bathroom mirror like WHaaAT?

63. The magic of a new human connection is as inspiring as a bold new discovery. #TEDXMILEHIGHwonder

64. I flippin LOVE breakfast burritos. 

65. Credit card chips can fall out. 

66. Oven Fan Under Cover- Kel

67. CO students at STEM understand my puns

68. There aren’t enough Jews in Colorado to get Jewish holidays off of school. 

69. Lazy Boy reclining chairs are A. Mazing 

70. Pronking- Google it

71. White Rock on front Lawn = Swingers’ House 

72. I can’t watch Drop Dead Fred at this age without feeling anxiety. #cobwebs

73. Quality Ramen is worth a long drive. Next move, cook Ramen myself. 

74. Happy Tears has a thing for a man in uniform.

75. Indian people have the best spice cabinets

76. Intermittent Fasting interests me because it makes sense and I have seen results others have had. #JanuaryGoals 

77. If you move to CO from the NJ/NY area...make your own pizza. 

78. Jumping Cacti exist

79. All roads lead to Moab

80. I never understood the little benches or resting stations in the middle of the mall hallways. They are for resting! People WANT to rest. Either they spent a long time in the mall or they are just tired. I guess either way they are tired. So, I approached a bench and it looked appealing. I used it for 10 glorious minutes. I finally got tired at 36 years old. I get it now, mall resters...I get it. 

81. I do some deep thinking at museums. #solowalk 

82 Don't walk past the Denver Zoo in the dark after watching wild Africa on IMAX. I heard roaring! The funny part was that I had no idea the Zoo was located right next to the museum. 

83. Googly Eyes make great conversation. 

84. "A fun little scramble" is NOT a very specific way to describe a segment of a hike. Sorry, Nina and Jason. #batcave

85. Good/quality sushi and pizza are hard to find in the Denver Area. Suggestions welcome. 

In 2018, "I go to seek a great perhaps."

words of the poet, Francois Rebelaid

San Antonio Summer

     Watching birds interact and flowers grow is how I spent the majority of summer in 2016. Getting knocked out of my Birkenstocks by an SUV ensured a summer spent in slow motion. My injuries left me thinking, sitting, adjusting, journaling and doing more thinking. Luckily, I was living at my grandma's house, so the walls, stairs, and most importantly, the shower contained grab bars. Thank you, Grandma Josephine. 

     After she passed away in January of 2016, my mother helped me move from the basement to the main floor of her house. I would be leaving in a few months for my new life in Colorado. I had resigned from my teaching position after a decade, saved money, paid off my car, found an apartment in Littleton, and was hired as a 4th-grade teacher at STEM School and Academy in Highlands Ranch. My life seemed as if everything was falling into place. I had even started to wake up early and exercise BEFORE work! This had been a goal of mine for years and RWJ Wellness center was swiping me in at least 3x a week at 6am. I was feeling fantastic. 

     That feeling was knocked out of me by a driver not paying attention to where she was going on the evening of June 2nd. I suffered a bunch of firsts: broken bones, torn ligaments, sprains, and a black eye. I had planned to leave NJ for CO on July 19th. My life transitioned from "killin it" to lesson plan writing and physical therapy until the school year ended. Then it was just physical therapy and family and friend visits. When I started to feel a bit better, meaning that it only took me 30 minutes instead of 45 minutes to make breakfast, coffee, and get myself set up for the day on the porch swing in the back yard, I resumed Colorado preparation by paying the security deposit, scanning paperwork, signing forms, and communicating with my 4th-grade team. I would continue to make the move to Colorado as planned and make the necessary, expensive adjustments as needed. 

     When I found out the pain that wouldn't subside was caused by a tear in the labrum of my left hip, I was devastated. I had learned that if I had a labrum tear it would mean surgery. Surgery would mean another summer spent in slow motion. I wanted to maximize the 24 days that would be my summer break 2017. I decided on camping in Great Sand Dunes National Park and a road trip to San Antonio, Texas to visit my great Aunt Marion whose 100th birthday party I missed last July. 

     After an unforgettable experience in the Sand Dunes, I took a few days to recover. It was time to prepare for Texas. However, I couldn’t get in touch with Aunt Marion to announce my plan. What could she be doing? She could be volunteering, out with family or friends, or at church. If she is anything like her sister, Josephine (my grandma) she would hate to sit home. She would prefer to be around people. I tried calling again, but she didn't answer her phone. I began thinking maybe I shouldn't drive to visit her. I was being fitted for a hip brace any day now. A CPM machine was going to be dropped off. I was supposed to be waiting for phone calls, exercising, paying attention to my diet. I was torn, but had to decide fast. After a short, but clarifying talk with one of my roommates in the backyard, the answer was clear. I needed to go to Texas. 

     The next morning, I woke up (later than planned of course) and started driving toward Texas. While passing through New Mexico, I finally reached Aunt Marion's son Anthony by phone (thank you, Aunt Rose Marie) who I had never met (or was too young to remember meeting him). He told me that his mother had fallen down in the kitchen a few days prior and fractured her hip. She was staying in a rehab clinic to help recover from her partial hip replacement. I still wanted to visit her, so he told me to call him when I arrived the next morning. Puggle and I camped out in the Rogue. We fit perfectly side by side. I hung tapestry against the windows and placed my sun visor on the windshield. Puggle was panting a bit, so I worried she was too hot to sleep. I cracked each window and fully opened the panoramic sun roof. The temperature inside the SUV cooled and we both fell asleep among truckers idling at the rest stop. 

     The next morning, we continued driving 4 more hours to San Antonio. Aunt Marion looked like she was doing well and she was happy to see Puggle and I. We shared stories, laughs, and tears. 

Funny quotes from Aunt Marion: 

John: When is the last time you showered? 

Aunt Marion: You want to know a little secret? I can't remember.

Aunt Marion about my father: "Your dad is a good looking dude!"

"I am 100 years old. Who the hell cares!"

"Do you have a lady?  You need to have some dessert!"

"Being alive is not living. You got to live."

"My friends highjacked a truck. I brought home the best meat."

"I look like yesterday's washcloth."

Then the most magical thing happened. Aunt Marion’s granddaughter, Eve, invited me to stay at her house with her family and doggies. I hadn’t met any of these people before.  Eve and her husband, Mario made me feel at home and welcomed Puggle. Their oldest daughter, Bella, kindly gave up her bedroom, so I could sleep there. She adored Puggle and Puggle enjoyed the attention. Their Boerne house was beautiful and my favorite part was the doggie door. Genius! Every dog owner should have one. 

Bella and I at the River Walk

I ate the most delicious breakfast tacos at Mague’s Cafe, explored the river walk with Mario and Bella, stopped at The Alamo,  fell in love with a 150 year old oak tree, drank a delightfully spicy margarita, sampled wine at a tasting with Anthony and Pam’s friends, attended a father’s day dinner (best rice I’ve had in a long time), connected with cousins I didn’t even know existed, and best of all, spent time with Aunt Marion. She will be celebrating her 101st birthday this month and had the assistants at Sorrento and I cracking up. It is amazing how sharp she is at almost 101 year old. 

150 Year old Oak Tree next to The Alamo

     I brought a bottle of red wine with me that I planned to drink with her. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t happen, but I did get to tour the trailer where she lives with her son Richard. Richard and I had a lot in common starting with our love for the outdoors. I left the bottle of red wine at her home for her return. I tried to connect with as many cousins as possible via Facebook and am excited to make new connections.

Anthony, me, and Pam

     I could not have predicted how the San Antonio trip would turn out. It was even better than I expected. Aunt Marion's family showed me so much kindness. Before I left Texas to return to Colorado, she told me, "If I can handle hip surgery, you can too! Just being alive is not living. You've got to live!" I drove home with a new set of memories and knew I was ready to get this surgery over with, so I could recover and start living the life I moved to Colorado to live! I am so thankful to have had such a wonderful experience in Texas with family. Summer 2016 is off to a memorable start. 

Giani, Puggle, Bella, and Juliet

Mario, Giani, Bella, Me, Eve, and Juliet

  

Lavender Bomb

Lavender Bomb

 Bathtub Thoughts

I did it. 

I FOUND this apartment. 

I WORKED for this apartment. 

I LIVED in this apartment. 

I FELT pain in this apartment. 

I LOVED in this apartment. 

I LAUGHED in this apartment. 

I COOKED in this apartment. 

I DRANK in this apartment. 

I BONDED in this apartment. 

I CRIED in this apartment. 

I WORRIED in this apartment. 

I ADMIRED in this apartment. 

I KEPT a journal in this apartment. 

I DREAMED in this apartment. 

I CONNECTED in this apartment. 

I ENTERTAINED in this apartment. 

I HAD FUN in this apartment. 

I WONDERED in this apartment.

I ENGAGED in good conversation in this apartment. 

I CREATED new friends in this apartment. 

I HID OUT in this apartment. 

I MISSED my family and friends in this apartment. 

I DISCOVERED in this apartment. 

I LET GO in this apartment. 

I am MOVING on from this apartment.

45 Lessons Learned in 2016

2016 Wasn't My Favorite Year...

but it was a year of new beginnings which resulted in a lot of lessons learned. I moved from my home state of NJ to CO. I miss my family and friends, but made 2 trips home to visit. I made a few great friends here in CO and look forward to exploring the west!

1. Cut the jalapeños last when using a cutting board for multiple vegetables.

2. Having a garage and backyard is the easy life. 

3. When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dreams. -The Alchemist

4. Get up early. Work out. Have a great day. 

5. When you're 40, looks fade, money means nothing, you have to love a person. 

6. Not all cider beers taste the same. I like the Doc's Draft Hard IPA.

7. I am not invincible. Crosswalks aren't always safe.

8. bread vs. toast...big difference in taste. Especially when you are expecting the crunch of toast when you bite into bread. 

9. 911 in Australia is 000.

10. Dust devils are a thing....my friends and I witnessed one form and then were chased by it. I had dirt in my teeth for the rest of the day. #EstesPark #COLife

11. Appreciate every single second you have with your grandparents. 

12. #51 from Things I've learned in 2016 was wrong. 

13. There is a free shuttle in Crested Butte, CO that takes you from the mountain into downtown...and it's FREE! Telluride offers free gondola rides into town. 

14. The best muffin I have ever had in my life was born in Crested Butte, CO at a bakery called Mountain Oven Organic Bakery. Order the Green Man zucchini muffin. 

15. Julie gives great relationship advice. Wow. Thank you, JULEH. 

16. I learned how to Mystery Skype and Mystery Skype Prank... haha 

17. I never realized what an important role pizza has played in my life until now. #COpizzafails. I have been in a serious relationship with pizza for the past 35 years. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. 

Joey D's Grandma Pie- Metuchen, NJ

18. Rick's Real BBQ Sauce (Winner of Frisco BBQ Challenge) is worth putting on your Christmas list. RicksRealBBQSauce.com

19. The Butterfly Bakery of VT makes Heady Topper hot sauce and it's damn good! Thank you, Sara! ButterflyBakeryVT.com

20. My friends...are people who I am very lucky to have met and I am happy and thankful to have them in my life. Thank you for helping me get through this crazy year. 

21. Passive aggressive people are both difficult to understand, predict, and be around. 

22. Avalanche Awareness class is a thing and I am considering taking a class. 

23. It's not a multiple-choice question Kelly; it's an open ended.

24. If it doesn't f-ing work, get rid of it. 

25. TCBY = The Country's Best Yogurt TCBY (Bobby B.)

26. Random Hairs can sometimes grow out of the side of your nose. ~CM

27. Marino Aoki: Urge to poop while in a bookstore

28. "Following your dreams is like learning a foreign language; you will make mistakes, but you will get there in the end." P.C. The Alchemist

29. Red Rocks plays movies in the summer. #MoviesOnTheRocks

30. Replace him with whom...thanks, Bond. 

31. Appreciate the little things your body can do: simply the ability to walk, bend down to pick something up, kiss a baby, sneeze and cough without pain, and laugh. 

32. One cannot always trust the opinions of fellow Yelpers #CO 

33. CO cares about the little things...like always making sure the windshield cleaning fluid is full and usable at gas stations.

34. Puggle added airplanes to her list of transportation methods. #travelingdog. She's the coolest. 

35. Del Taco exists in Colorado AND they offer turkey tacos! Yes, please. #BadVegetarian 

36. Those who volunteer live longer than those who don't.  2005 Stanford Study Thrive

37. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Thrive

38. We need to give ourselves permission for what makes us feel most alive. And when we are most alive, we are most compassionate and vice versa. Thrive

39. Arrogance is the camouflage of insecurity. 

40. Physical therapy works! The human body is amazing.

41. My sleep deprived sister is a superhero and her babies are cuter than yours. 

42. The musicians playing at the Honky Tonks of Nashville, don't get paid and rely on tips. They have real talent!

43. Visit Asheville, NC. Green Man Brewery (Coconutter Beer) and Funkatorium. Go hiking. Play in the wind. Great place. 

44. Don't take your 60 year old smoker of a father hiking on day two of his vacation at 10,000 ft. no matter how "easy" you think the hike is. 

45. Pizza dough tossing competitions exist. 

Happy New Year!