Fifty-one Things I've Learned in 2015

1. I simply CANNOT use technology properly under the influence of alcohol. It is both puzzling and embarrassing at the same time.
2. When hanging out with heavy drinkers, always have an escape route that leads back to a comfortable bed, Japanese pillow, and a Puggle.
3. Poppycock is a snack and it is delicious.
4. There is a disheveled French man Named Jean Christophe cooking some of the best crepes I've ever had (besides in Paris) at William Barnacle Tavern near St. Mark's Place in NYC. #bretoncrepes
5. Turnips are supposed to be peeled.
6. Puggle does not like turnips.
7. I guess I have always known this, but felt it should be published this year. I thoroughly enjoy train rides. No driving required and plenty of time to read a book and look out the window.
8. Certain schools in Tenessee don't have snow days count against them because students and teachers communicate digitally to carry out lessons. #futuristic
9. It would benefit me to hang around more gay people.
10. Old people are very similar to children in their actions and words, but definitely not with their advice.
11. Vacationing alone is just like visiting the grocery store solo. -JP
12. Turning an old flower bed into a vegetable garden is fun, difficult, and back breaking.
13. I live in South Jersey...according to some North Jersey folk. "New Brunswick is south Jersey and Albany is Canada!"
14. Google Cloud printing is soooo easy to set up!
15. Tents come with LED lights and those lights have...wait for it...a dimmer!
16. Smoking causes strokes.
17. It's satisfying to eat ice cream after a hot day of hiking. And after you realized you didn't pack enough snacks or water for your hiking trip. Oops. #WaterfallLoopHikeOR
18. Power Tools enhance the pumpkin carving experience. -Fred
19. Cuddle Puddle
20. Ding Dong Ditch
21. It's a sports bra. #WhatIsThis?
22. Do not hold a glass of wine while watching Jen play Wii fit balance games.
23. Hunting season and hiking don't mix. #WearOrange
24. It's 2015, but you can still pocket dial someone with a smartphone. #Rose
25. There is a good chance my niece, Brooklyn, will drink red wine out of a Stanley mug in her 20s.
26. The first 7-9 seconds of a Dr. Mario game are the most critical. Act fast. Flip smart. Ensure victory.
27. Hello Kitty should be a style or a nickname for something that never goes out of style and remains consistent. Hello Kitty style.
28. Black garlic. Buy a lot. Put it in your salad. #HMart
29. Asking cashiers in Edison stores to change $100 in 20s to fives and singles is a great way to get people to think you are insane.
30. This one is 2nd hand...You become your best self when you are a parent. LD
31. When given the choice of people to hand off the video camera to, my dad is not your guy. However, when the garage door opener breaks, he is definitely your man.
32. Staple guns...yes! Fun to use and much easier than tape and nails.
33. The only time Ed cooks is when he makes pea soup.
34. This realization took place while acting as if it was not 4:37 in the morning on Christmas: The way I destress in the summer is by completely forgetting about time. Therefore, one way to destress, is to ignore time completely. You're welcome.
35. Gathering around a fire pit is a great setting for story telling.
36. Podcasts are one gateway into new experiences, perspectives, knowledge, and future conversational topics. I recommend TED Talk's: Quiet.
37. Everyone should eat at Pine State Biscuits at least once in their lifetime.
38. My mother has a strange need for placemats. "Everyday I need placemats. Every. Single. Day." -Mom 4-9-15
39. If the pollen in Atlanta doesn't kill you, the people will.
40. Well, Baby Jessica is one of my favorite conversational topics to randomly fall into.
41. Keep the Walkie Talkie ON.
42. If I tell you that I am out of food while hiking. It would be in your best interest to confiscate my pack and thoroughly search it yourself.
43. Portland is the weirdest place I have ever been.
44. Rich and Jasmine are invincible.
45. The family story about the weekly enemas my grandmother used to give her children is 100% true. While cleaning one of her closets this year, I found the enema kit, probe and all. 

"It's not mine." -Josephine age 94

46. It hurts to get tattooed on your spine. Fire. Fierce pain. OUCH!
47. There are tons of Moth performances in NYC. If you plan to attend, arrive early!
48. Taking the bus really isn't that difficult.
49. Geocaching is good, clean fun for the whole family! Thanks, Sara. 

50. INFJ = Me.
51. A perfect match for me has been hiding in North Jersey for 33 years. #foundher #thanksGappa&Tracy&Match

Things I Learned in 2014

1. Dr. Mario brings out the worst in me. 

2. Heady Topper is a fun beer to find and even more fun to drink. 

3. The correct spelling is ulterior, not alterior. As in "ulterior motives"

4. Carolyn Gappa can pour, not one, but two glasses of wine with a reaching stick.

5. I have a deep love for brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts. Judge away...

6. Cheers in Dutch: skoll...sounds like skull

7. My father is the fastest snow plow driver on the East Coast. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/video/9836323-plows-out-in-force-in-nj/

8. Despite my disdain for accumulating "stuff." I have a lot of stuff. #movingday

9. Always bring a trail map and carry your own water while hiking.

10. The Grand Canyon is the only place where I have experienced a 100 degree hair dryer while shivering with borderline hypothermia. 

11. Sedona, Arizona = tranquility

12. Austin, Texas is a little blue dot in the middle of a giant red state. 

13. A selfish person lacks empathy and therefore doesn't have the ability to see anything from another's point of view. Don't fight these people or try to change them.  Avoid them. They will suck all the kindness and positivity from you with a selfish straw. 

14. The best way to spend Easter is in the Adirondacks. 

15. The best way to spend the Fourth of July is in the Grand Canyon. 

16. A frownie is a thing. Check it out: www.frownies.com

17. When attending concerts or other crowded events supplying portable toilets, always get in the bathroom line with the most dudes.

18. Always shuck corn OUTSIDE. 🌽 #hairymess

19. You can watch the lighting of the Empire State Building in order to check status of a local football game 

20. Life can't be all work and no play. Thanks, Jim. 

21. The Earth Speaks

22. Vishnu Schist is the oldest rock on Earth.

23. There aren't many things in life that show their finality. Death is one of them. -Ed

24. I love jazz. #showerdanceparties

25. Most of the pictures I have posted of myself on Facebook are ridiculous. 

26. Never input the addressees for an e-mail you plan to start and then draft for later. Leave it blank in case you accidentally send the e-mail and sound like an idiot to your readers. 

27. Even Super Heroes get sore muscles  from working out. 

28. John Oliver and John Stewart...hilarious! 

29. BBCC (boil, blanche, cut, cook) vegetables

30. Wear gloves when dicing beets. 

31. Pumpkin is tasty. 

32. Holiday shopping is ridiculous. I will not be participating in any sort of gift exchange next year. 

33. I want to be friends with Amy Poehler. 

34. You have to make moves and sacrifices to ultimately get what you desire. I am a few steps closer to leaving NJ. 

35. My close friends, Puggle, and people over 90 are very accepting. 

36. I have been working hard at the wrong job. My focus is shifting to working on me, not how much money I can make. Better food, regular yoga, more laughing, and in the words of Amy Poehler, indulge myself in "a major case of the fuckits." 

Canyon Poetry #talentshow

Summer 2014
Grand Canyon
Colorado River
Night 6 of 7-day trip

Canyon Poetry

Talent Show

by Kelly Miragliotta, Carrie Anderson, and Trinity Esola

A little ditty about Paige and Leann

Two southern sisters exploring the Grand Can-yan

Makenzie got stung by some bees, 

and when she jumps off a waterfall, she is sure to tuck in her knees

Mary Catherine Gallagher is not the only Superstar

this M.C.'s side tube riding is very much on par

Patrice O'Neil is a very funny dude, 

but we've got Fire Raven who's still missing her special food

If the size of the rapids is what you need to know, 

then listen to the yells of our old friend JOOOOOOE

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, she surely knows her scat

and when it comes to playing games, she is where the fun is AT

Trinity, you use your mad skills to scurry up that wall, 

but girl you win the award for the cutest camp of all

John is always ready to dive into the sand, 

and when it comes time to clean the raft, he lends a helping hand

Andy may be the youngest of us all, 

but this lucky lad has already been to the wondrous Taj Mahal

Mara, she sure keeps her brothers in check 

soon she will be in another National Park...what the heck?

Beth and Dennis got to make their Grand Canyon dream come true

It isn't their honeymoon, but better because they traveled with Mackenzie too! 

When Deanna's on the raft, we know where she'll be

In that little back room, drinking her TEA

Mike is the guy you'll find in the mud, 

when he's hiking the rocks, his throws will make a big thud

Ann is "Classy Canyon." For the next river trip, can we come shopping with you?

When we get back grab a newspaper, cuz you've got a lot of catching up to do

Hey Terry, what's the word?

Can you tell us...what's that bird?

Travis, Travis, sweet as can be, 

will you please read us some more of your poetry?

J.P. Silly, stupid, hold on tight and have a good day...

Leaves us all to wonder what the hell it means anyway

There's one person here who's always got your back, 

he's a gentleman, he's helpful, he's our good buddy Zack

Kelly, Kelly, she's so clutch

She gathered all of our e-mails, so we can keep in touch

When it comes to lifting heavy stuff Adam is your bro, 

You can find him in the "bathtub" with his fake GoPro

Papa Mike, he's been our 4th guide, 

he's a seasoned rafter along for the ride

If you get heat rash, Melinda will do the job, 

but if you have a shitload of asparagus, you can give it to Bob

Look who's snapping photos while climbing up that crevasse

Of course, it's Kristen because she's so BadASS

Jason, he's the first one to experience the rapids' power, 

cuz he's always sitting in the gosh darn SHOWER

Not only are they adventurous hikers

Scott and Kathy are also drummers and bikers

David and Pam Stung by a scorpion. Broken toe. 

How the hell did we not know?!

Soon we will part ways, and home we will be

In our hearts, we'll always remain a River Family

BUTT DAMN, we had a good time! 

The Man...J.P. Running

Hatch Rafters Video

 Instagram: #hatchriverfamily2014 

How Many Cats With Your Antibiotics?

August 8, 2013
Krabi and Koh Phi-Phi Thailand

Until I ate the food cooked at Tiger Temple, I had only heard about this terrible beast called food poisoning. It was categorized in my head alongside, kidney stones, childbirth, major surgery, and getting shot, all of which I had never experienced first hand. Now, I wouldn't wish food poisoning on my worst enemy. I also don't know if I have a worst enemy. Maybe Stephanie Atkins a.k.a. Evil. Yeah, it's Her. Anyway...

Only partially conquering the beast that is F.P., we departed the city of Krabi, on cushioned bench seats in the bed of a pickup truck. This truck's bed had a roof and I wished it didn't because the two English lesbians sitting across from me were chain-smoking. I also wished that Rich, Jasmine, and Marisa would emerge from their jungle bungalows and get in the truck already, so we can get to the port. I was sweating profusely, the air felt hot and thick, and as they lit up again, I fought the urge to give the lesbots the stink eye. I wasn't concerned with missing the boat because every mode of transportation we used on this journey so far (tuk-tuk, long-tail boat, ship, train, bus, taxi) was tardy.  The vomiting was gone, but the intense nausea was as present as the 45L backpack between my legs. Finally, as I thought the odor of leftover bananas from Rich's rescue remedies would cause me to vomit all over the owner of Vasana Bungalows, my traveling companions piled in. We waved goodbye to Vasana and the breeze moving through the bed of the old pickup felt refreshing. That nice woman had no idea how close I was to heaving all over her. 

Exhaust fumes, more cigarettes, bumps, tuk-tuks, and finally the port. Since I was a kid, my dad owned a boat. I never understood how or why people could be seasick...now I get it. Choosing to stay above deck instead of below was a good choice. Dr. Jasmine Ormaechea Pharmacia gave me some pills to swallow. I wanted to have more than a banana in my stomach, so I grabbed a slice of bread from the bag of life. Rich sat next to me and put his arm around me. It helped.

Notice the bandages on Rich's knees from the motorbike crash
and the scrapes from cliff diving at
Tanote Bay. 

 Human contact has an amazingly positive effect on me. Eating half of that slice of bread was harder than climbing the rock in Tanote Bay, where if I had slipped, I would certainly have fallen to my death. I never ate the other half of the slice because when I looked into my lap at the bag containing the remaining loaf, I noticed ants having a party inside. Without hesitation or a significant reaction, I weakly tossed all the bread we had in the garbage can next to me. I laid down on the white bench of the open deck and passed out. The boat was still docked. Late. 

When I woke up, Marisa was seated next to me reading and the Rich Jasmine duo was gone. She informed me about their plan to tie me to the railing due to my small size and their fear that I may fall overboard while sleeping. Those two, haha. The Andaman Sea was a beautiful color. We were heading to the location I was most excited about, Koh Phi Phi. Koh Phi Phi is where the movie, The Beach was filmed and I felt like death was coming for me. My mom had every right to be worried about me going to Thailand for a month. 

After finally arriving at Koh Phi Phi Don, we paid our 20 baht tax to get on the island and walked toward our beach bungalow. Walking felt good and I convinced myself that I could down a Snickers (a staple in our Thailand diet plan), so I did. I remembered our travel agent in Bangkok told us this bungalow would have air conditioning. Ask my roommate, Adam, I would go all summer in NJ without touching the air conditioner, but in the condition I was in, AC was a luxury I would sell my passport for. Once we realized Phi Phi Nice Resort was located on the beach of the marina next to the Phi Phi Hospital and our view was the back of the building in front of us which had a long crack oozing a brown foam-like substance, we were NOT happy about it. 

Jasmine would not tolerate the location and was determined to convince Maam to change our placement. I was as helpful as a truckload of chihuahuas. Naptime for me. I was sandwiched between the Bay of Bengal and the Andaman Sea, in the most beautiful place I have ever seen, and I was in an air-conditioned hotel room napping. After nearly coming to blows, so I was told, with the resort manager, Jasmine was able to get in touch with someone from Tiger Travel and make arrangements. The chain-smoking English lesbians reappeared and were equally unsatisfied, however, they didn't bring a blonde Argentinian with them. The next step was to venture across the island to find a more suitable place to stay and then call Tiger Travel back. 

Stupidly, I joined the quest for a better bungalow with Marisa and Jasmine. We were tipped off by a few scuba instructors. Eventually, after hiking (yes, hiking through the jungle to the other side of the island on a 45 min walk), Jasmine and Marisa's determination paid off when they found Paradise Pearl Resort. Cue angels singing. While they negotiated, I sat in the dark on the beach feeding the mosquitoes 32 and a half-year-old American blood. Geez, they walk fast. During the return trek through the main area of the island, the stench of Thai BBQ mixed with durian fruit reminded me that I was not better. I covered my nose with my grey bandanna, looked down and followed the long-legged ladies back to Phi Phi Nice Resort. Not so nice...actually. 

The next morning, we packed up, jumped in a long tail boat and headed across the island to the most beautiful beach I had ever seen. The weather was gorgeous and as soon as we checked in and dropped our packs in the room, we headed to the beach. About a half-hour later, I decided to fully embrace the paradise Jasmine fought so hard for by taking yet another nap.

I still felt nauseous and had "stomach issues" for 4 days, so I read about Bangkok Belly and dysentery in my Thailand book (thanks to Bob). Since I couldn't eat and could barely drink, I decided (with the push from friends at home...thanks Nick) to admit myself to the hospital. Rich flagged a water taxi and the 4 of us bypassed the nauseating odors of the main strip (thank God) and headed toward the hospital.

We walked into the hospital and Mother Jasmine explained my symptoms. I learned that I weigh 45 kg or 110 pounds. As I observed the surroundings, I noticed that this establishment didn't look much like a hospital at all. It was more like some sort of clinic where women go to get their nails done. They even had soap operas playing on the television. Anyway, the nurse asked me questions and measured my vitals. No fever. Next, she brought me into the emergency room (which was just a room full of medical supplies and a few beds). She took blood (gloveless), listened to my stomach (noisy), and gently inserted an IV into my left hand while Jasmine held my right hand (I still have the scar. Maybe I will show you sometime...for 10 baht). The blood results showed that my infection was minor, so she decided to give me fluids, antibiotics, electrolyte powder, and pills for stomach cramping and nausea. However, the drip would take about 4-5 hours. 

"Is she fine? Okay, good. Is there wifi?" Marisa questioned. I like to hope she was more concerned about my well-being than the wifi. I admit it was the best wifi we had all trip! Rich and Jasmine were talking loudly, asking the nurse questions and moving in and out of the room aggressively. At one point, Rich had his hand way to close to my IV and I recalled the story he told a few days ago where Jasmine accidentally ripped out his IV and blood was shooting everywhere. Crazy.

Eventually, I was placed in a quieter part of the nail salon and was given a bed. As the nurse led me, IV in tow, she removed 3 cats resting on the foot of my soon to be hospital bed's blanket/towel who must have come in through the open windows. Then, she tossed me mosquito repellent. Asia...

The look on my face must have prompted her to close all the windows near the bed. I wondered if I was getting Punked. 

Rich and Jasmine left for dinner and Marisa stayed behind with me. The best part of the hospital so far was the free wifi. No, there wasn't any air conditioning, but there were 2 adjustable fans nearby. I pulled my towel/blanket toward me in an effort to cover any exposed skin and settled into my bed with iPhone in hand. I told Jorj about my condition via Tango and asked him not to tell my family (Sorry guys, but I didn't want you to worry more.). A different woman came in with 3 pills for me to take and an orange powder for my drink. Asian Gatorade? One pill was for nausea, the other stomach cramping and the last was an antibiotic.

Marisa and I chatted for a bit, FaceTimed with Jorj and laughed at the bizarreness of the whole thing. 

Rich and Jasmine returned and brought Marisa a smoothie. They informed us that the windows around us are tinted on the inside so we can't see out, but people walking by on the streets can see in. Jasmine was so exhausted from her morning dive that she hopped into the bed next to me and went to sleep. Rich left for the Phi Phi equivalent of "Had Rin Beach," but promised to be back between 11 and 11:30. 

Ten minutes later, the biting began. Jasmine and her nebula bruise from her fall this morning "came to" and jumped out of bed wondering why all of a sudden she had 6 bites on one elbow. 

She thought maybe the cats had fleas or the mosquitoes were just super angry here. I gave her the magical Chinese lotion from Marisa's friend (thanks Angela) and it eased the irritation. Meanwhile, Marisa was also getting annihilated by insects and had to hop into the bed with me to cover any exposed skin. The little pests were actually buzzing in our ears!

Jasmine left us to see if we could move to a bugless room with air conditioning. "Pay more money," the nurse responded. So she asked another nurse and this one just said, "No." Jasmine followed her around while scratching her right elbow, persistently inquiring about an air-conditioned room. "She's going to get another disease just staying here. This place is hell on earth." Jasmine stated with frustration. Next, the nurse wandered over to my bedside and reached for my left arm as if she was going to remove the IV without warning. "Are you going to take it out?" I asked, puzzled because there was still about 1/4 of the solution left. She nodded her head, removed the IV (gloveless of course), placed a cotton ball and tape over the hole and walked away without uttering one word. 

"What can we steal?" Jasmine asked as she opened a drawer. She found a pile of napkins and jacked those along with a few bottles of water stashed in a corner. We left realizing that we just got kicked out of a Thai hospital for requesting air conditioning.

So...they like to get kicked out of places.

Now I was feeling a lot better and was super happy about that! Our next obstacle was to find Rich. Even though I was getting my groove back, I did not feel up for searching the crazy side of the island for Rich. Marisa and I told Jasmine it wasn't safe for her to search alone. After trying to think of the most logical way to solve this problem, we came to the conclusion that at 11:30, Rich will walk back to the Hospital, notice we aren't there and know that we MUST be back at Paradise Pearl. We didn't have any wifi, but I had a sharpie! We decided to write Rich a note on a white piece of styrofoam garbage laying on the walkway. Jasmine scribbled in blue ink: "Sorry Rich. We went home. Got kicked out of hospital. Come home."

 We didn't leave the note on the steps of the now-closed and locked hospital but propped against the side of a potted plant in the walkway knowing that he will pass it en route to Paradise Pearl. 

Yeah, our genius plan didn't work out the way we expected, but that is a story in itself. 

The fluids didn't their magic and I was back in business. I couldn't wait for an American breakfast the next morning! Finally, I could enjoy Koh Phi Phi!

Things I've Learned in 2013

1. I DO spit on the mirror! I had no idea.

2. Peeing in the snow while hiking is much more fun than peeing in the dirt while hiking. There's no splashing and you can plug the little hole your pee stream melted with your tp. Place a little snow on top and finito! Fun. 

3. Thailand is called the Land of Smiles

4. Bathrooms in Thailand usually don't provide soap, toilet paper, or running water.

5. To flush a non flushing toilet, simply pour a bucket of water directly into the bowl and watch the contents be forced down the pipes.

6. There have been tons of radioactive water spilling into the Pacific Ocean since March of 2011.

7. Bandanna has a double n. (Thanks Jess.) 

8. Yoga is great in so many ways and I am an idiot for not trying it earlier in my life. 

9. A 5th grader taught me how to ask, "What is your name?" In Hindi

10. I can say thank you and hello in Thai. 

11. Matt and Julie have seen every funny YouTube video. 

12. How to flip my classroom successfully.

13. How light painting with my Cannon works

14. Willow Rd. In Somerset has more wildlife than Acadia National Park

15. I know what the fox says. 

16. The Lost Boys from Peter Pan live on the island of Koh Phi Phi, Thailand. I found them. 

17. Scorpions taste like plastic bacon.

18. The stench of durian fruit is unforgettable and nauseating. 

19. When presented with the option to either rent a moped or rent a quad while vacationing in a foreign country, choose a quad. Always. 

20. Zip lining is thrilling. 

21. I like quail eggs

22. I can run a half marathon in less than 2 and a half hours. However, the act of walking the next day is quite a challenge. 

23. Cross country skiing is hard for me and I spent a lot of time on my ass. 

24. Coca Cola and a veggie sandwich make a significant difference when you have a case of Bangkok Belly. 

25. It takes Jorj and I 13 minutes to pitch my tent. It probably would have taken less time if I accepted his help offer sooner. 

26. I was not cut out for horseback riding. #DangHorse

27. Bathing in the Gulf of Thailand with a bar of soap results in a cleaner feeling than showering in Bottle Beach 2 Resort's shower. Maybe it was the brown water...#KohPanang

28. Always check the course elevation when deciding which half marathon to run. 

29. I keep the following items in all of my bags, backpacks, and purses: Chapstick, gum, hand sanitizer, baby wipes, a pen, matches, and a tampon.

30. Life is a chess game.

31. My chess game could use some improvement. 

32. Leaning into turns helps my snowboarding skills. 

33. I lived under a rock until I was 22.

Rent a Quad...Always

Motorbike take 1 Friday, July 19th
Koh Tao, Thailand

Marisa and I started our day with a Kashi bar and some peanut butter to prepare for a run. We hadn't been exercising much since we were trying to survive in Thailand and were very excited to lace up our running sneakers and hit the island roads. We mapped out a course and told Dickie and Jasmine, we'd meet them in the hotel lobby after around 10:15.
We stuck to the main road and which turned out to be infested with hills. These hills felt like the Palisades half marathon all over again except in the jungle and on an island, I thought to myself. Despite the hilly terrain and thick air, it felt great to be running again. We spotted a yoga studio, checked the schedule, and decided to take a 2-hour class tomorrow. After about 15 minutes, we started to take walking breaks. Marisa had a cramp and I welcomed the chance to slow my pace to a brisk walk. To the left, you could see the ocean through the bungalows scattered about and to the right were homes of the local Thai people, businesses, and piles of garbage. One particular location was a heap of cans and bottles which I coined the recycling center even though I was positive the trash had been sitting there for a really long time.

As we moved along, we spotted a pumpless "gas station" which was shelves sitting near the road holding glass bottles filled with gasoline. The Thai are very simple people.


Once 20 minutes had passed we approached the part of the road where garbage dumps seemed to line either side of the road and it smelled a little like Bangkok, so we decided to turn around. We continued to run/walk back to our hotel, sweat soaking our shirts. l looked forward to a shower.

Dickie and Jasmine had already rented a scooter to explore other parts of the island including Tanote Bay, who my friend Patty recommended for cliff jumping. Marisa agreed to drive the scooter since I was terrified of being on a motorbike and especially terrified of being the driver of one. Thailand is like England where they drive on the opposite side of the road than us.

From the hotel, Jasmine and I walked the beach route while Dickie and Marisa rode the motorbike to the rental shop. My hands were shaking and I felt jittery from the workout and lack of food in my stomach. The 1/2 Kashi bar and 1/2 pod of Jiff had expired long ago and I needed calories, immediately! Across from the rental shop was a small stand outside of a 7 11 where a woman was selling pancakes (crepes) and sandwiches. The egg and cheese caught my eye and Jasmine and I ordered 2. I was super excited to eat!
CRASH! "Ooohh!" a chorus of Thai taxi drivers and tourists sang out. They were all staring uphill toward the street. Jasmine and I turned our heads and saw a girl in the middle of the road pulling a twisted motorbike off the ground. As I  looked more closely, I recognized the light blue shorts. "Oh-no! It's Marisa!" we chanted in unison. I mashed my money into Jasmine's hand and quickly scurried up the hill knowing that I should be heading in the opposite direction toward the 7 11 for medical supplies. I had seen pretty bad scratches on her knees and could only imagine what other injuries had occurred. When I finally reached Marisa and Rich, she was bleeding from the knees and I asked if she was okay.
She seemed to be a little shaken up, so I went back down the hill determined to try my best at identifying medical supplies in the convenience store as fast as possible. Every bottle and box was labeled in Thai! Uh-oh. A large bottle of water, band-aids, gauze wrap, tape, and alcohol were the items I scrounged up.
Marisa was standing opposite the desk of the store owner with a waterfall of blood dripping down one leg into her Birkenstocks and a very serious look on her face. My first thought was to whip out my Canon and take a photo, but I thought she might punch me. Instead, I knelt down & decided to take out the items I picked up. "He's going to charge me a lot of money," Marisa claimed regretfully. She had tried to start the bike on a hill and turn in the opposite direction at the same time. Oops.

Marisa's knee days later... 

For the next ten minutes, Rich helped Marisa talk the owner down from 8,700 Baht to about 6,000 Baht ($180) as payment for damages and she cleaned out her cuts. 
We rented a quad instead and I drove it behind Rich and Jasmine on a scooter to Tanote Bay.
The very next day, on their last jaunt before returning their motorbike, Rich and Jasmine crashed their motorbike as well. Jasmine's foot folded up like a taco and Rich's knees and feet were scraped up. 

Jasmine's Dead Foot
  

Koh Tao took their money, skin, and the Mosquitoes feasted on all of us. We all escaped with our lives and looked forward to accident-free adventures in Koh Phangan.

Lesson learned: rent a quad...always.

Tiger Temple Torture...Thai Style

Day 3 in Krabi, Thailand
Friday, July 26th
Tiger Temple

The Entrance To Tiger Temple
Krabi, Thailand

I am writing this story while fighting the urge to wretch all over my new iPhone 5. When the horseback riding trip was over, our driver piled us into a van to take part in the next excursion of our package, Tiger Temple. We all agreed that we'd stop for a bite to eat before climbing the 1,237 steps to the top of the temple. Our good ole driver referred us to a vendor just outside the temple which was strangely absent of tourists besides us. The eatery looked like an abandoned carnival. A woman gave us menus and we ordered. Jasmine warned us that the sanitary conditions were way under par so she had the woman make her fresh eggs and white rice. Despite this advice, Rich, Marisa and I ordered Pad Thai, Rice with Vegetables and some kind of spicy chicken on the bone with bananas for Rich. (I could vomit just thinking about these dishes). Rich abandoned his meal claiming that it was too spicy, so Marisa and I sampled some. It had some heat in it and the flavor complemented our meals, so we took spoonful after spoonful of it. I definitely took the most. Big mistake. We drank water which came in a bottle similar to the one you would find rubbing alcohol, except this one, was round. After paying for our super cheap and soon to be a disastrous meal, we proceeded to the staircase of Tiger Temple. We somehow lost Rich and Jasmine and guessed it was the troupe of monkeys that caught their eye on the way over. We were also thinking that we might as well start climbing because with Jasmine's dead foot and Rich's low hemoglobin level, they probably won't make it to the top. Marisa and I started the steep climb. Some staircases were steeper than others and the banisters served as step counters from one staircase to the next which I liked. After about 600 steps, I realized that people on their way down were not rude, they just don't follow "stay to the right rule." In fact, I was the rude one, because here in Asia, the rule is "stay to the left." Duh! We continued to climb with a few breaks in between staircases. We passed a Canadian woman who told us that we should attack the steps at a slower speed. We quickly ignored her advice and resumed our climb. I dropped behind Marisa (as usual) and she made it to the top a few minutes before me. The view was spectacular! The giant golden Buddha shining in the sun was gazing out at the flat green land below. Behind the Buddha, was a beautiful array of green mountains. We took photos, enjoyed the view, and started to make our way down.  About three steps down, I recognized someone. "No way!" I shouted. It was Rich in his white t-shirt with a sweaty towel draped around his neck. "I didn't think you were going to make it, Rich! Wow. Nicely done!" I exclaimed. I couldn't believe how wrong I was about his ability to climb. "Jasmine is right behind me. She is throwing up to make herself lighter so its easier to climb." Rich explained. I wondered if he was kidding. As he finished speaking, Jasmine threw herself over the nearest railing and began vomiting.  Oh man, I thought. He wasn't kidding.  

Notice Jasmine and her dead foot at the bottom of the steps.

I headed back up to take photos for them since they were lacking a camera. Jasmine threw up some more and Rich cracked some jokes about serving her plates of sausage that have been sitting in the sun for weeks. 

This photo captures the reaction to Rich's plate of sausage joke. 

 Marisa and I laughed, not knowing that the poison was flowing through us too.
On the way down, Rich and I fed the monkeys some bananas and took photos. It was scary, but fun. Covered in sweat, we reached our driver who loaded us into his van and brought us to the last leg of our tour, The Night Market.
Jasmine began to whimper with nausea, but she didn't want to skip the night market. "I pick you up 9:30 there," our driver told us as be pointed to a sign that read Winner. I was thinking 3 hours at a night market is a long time for a person who doesn't like to shop. Plus, Jasmine was 't feeling well, so we should have asked for an earlier pick up, but nobody spoke up.
The night market was situated on a long street lined with vendors selling food, clothing, drinks, weapons, and jewelry. For Jasmine, the scents of grilled meats mixed with spice was too powerful for her to take in her condition and she vomited through her fingers in a corner while Marisa, Rich and I sampled some of the street food. We tried grilled octopus, vegetable spring rolls (made right before our eyes), grapes, and quail eggs.      Each taste was great except for the octopus because it was cold and chewy. Blah. We made our way down the right side of the street, around a bend and back down the left side of the street. That's when we decided it was time to get our own transportation back to Ao Nang because our driver would 't be back for another 2 and a half hours. We found Jasmine laying on a bench across the street wearing a tie died I love Krabi tank top holding her stomach.

Rich and I spoke to a cab driver (which is really a Thai dude with a pickup truck who piles people into its canopied bed) who said it would be 300 Baht each to drive us. We rounded everyone up, piled into the truck taxi and Jasmine folded herself into Rich, clearly ill. With exhaust fumes filling my nostrils, I was amazed that Jasmine didn't vomit all over the 3 of us and 4 other tourists who hopped on for a ride.
Upon our return to Vasana Bungalows, Rich, Marisa, and I showered, dressed our wounds from the past few days, and asked the couple who owned the joint for dinner advice.  
They suggested an Italian restaurant not far down the main road. Since Rich was still recovering from his horseback ass chaffing, he ordered a tuk-tuk.
This was our first ride in a side saddle tuk-tuk and we sat trying to keep our dresses from flying up as our driver asked if we wanted him to take us to Koh Pangan or if Rich wanted to sit with him in the driver's seat. He was quite a character.
 La Casa's dinner of wine, pizza, bread, and salad was pleasant. Next, we went for a walk down a street where Rich and Jasmine had partied with ladyboys a few nights ago. One ladyboy remembered him so he bought her a shot of tequila and asked her to climb the pole.  

Pole Climbing Ladyboy

She agreed and her/his swift climb was quite impressive. I ordered a Chang, Rich ordered a Jack and Coke and I beat him at connect 4 which was lying on our table. I felt too full to drink the Chang so I took super small sips and then eventually gave it to Rich. We left, walked back to our bungalow, and went to sleep hoping Jasmine was doing better.
At about 2am, I woke up to use the toilet, felt my way through the mosquito net, and realized that I didn't feel right. When I opened the door to exit the bathroom, Marisa was approaching with a concerned look on her face. "I feel sick," she stated as she closed the bathroom door. "Me too," I muttered as I realized we both probably had what Jasmine had. I also realized something else. I was about to projectile vomit and Marisa was in the bathroom already throwing her guts up. $!#*, I thought. Outside. Mosquitoes. Towel. Faster. Go.
I perched myself on the porch's bench, wrapped the white towel around myself, leaned over the back of the bench and let the spicy Thai lunch, street food samples and Italian dinner with wine loose. This continued for about 10 minutes before I went inside hoping it was over. I was so wrong. How could I be so stupid to eat at the shady looking Tiger Temple especially after Jasmine's warning? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I knew that was the meal that did us in and it must have hit Jasmine faster than us. She had a much more mild case, but Marisa and I definitely had a severe case of food poisoning.
Throughout the rest of the night, I continued to vomit in the toilet, checking on my way out of the maze of a mosquito net to make sure Marisa didn't vomit in her sleep because she wasn't getting up anymore.  I switched back and forth between chills and sweating so profusely that my entire chest and face were covered in beads of sweat. Why did I drink that last glass of wine? Why did I take spoonful after spoonful of that wretched food? I stated at my pathetic self in the mirror, rinsed my mouth and face and wondered if I should bother going back to bed. I knew I'd be back soon. If I were home, I would have just laid down on the floor. Puggle would have cuddled with me and I wouldn't be afraid of the blood-red centipede I kept spotting on the bathroom wall, crawling on my toes while I heave into the bowl. Thankfully, I was not at our beach bungalow in Koh Phangan. The bathroom situation there was a nightmare. This was not great but could be so, so much better.
After a night I thought it would never end, I finally stopped vomiting and got some sleep. We spent the entire day in bungalow 1.

I was still nauseous and Rich went to 7 11 to pick up some supplies. He returned with the following items: baby wipes, bananas, a novel (written in Thai), 4 bottles of Gatorade, dog food, maxi pads, face masks, and a loaf of bread. Interesting choices, but he was our hero.