Thank You for the Laughs- 2016 1st Annual Publishing of Kelly's Book of Funny Things

Laughing...one of my favorite activities. 

Most of you have witnessed me walking away from the group, typing feverishly on my iPhone in a fit of laughter. This is my  compilation of those small moments. Kelly's Book of Funny Things 2016 is brought to you by family, friends, and of course Evernote. 

Credit for the following lines goes to each one of the semi-anonymous folks responsible for entertaining me and making this post possible. 

Thank you and let's keep the laughing going. 

If you don't pay attention to me, I will stalk you.

B.B.

Wow. Barney the Dinosaur really fucked you up. 

? 1-6-16

You build your own paradox box.

I.M. 1-9-16

WWJD = What would Jasmine do? 

Do you love the smell of wet paper towels? If Bath and Body Works had a wet paper towel scent. I would spray it all day.

L.M. 1-14-16

They took out my ovaries and my uterus, but not my brain. 

P.S.  1-18-16

K to R.Z: Yikes! I wouldn't touch that toy. It's Puggle's lover.

R.Z. to K.M.: Oh! Wait, I've been her lover!

1-20-16

We are like Pretty Woman. We are going to come to town, jack it all up, and leave.

N.M. 1-22-16

K: You are so tall, Jeff. What is life like up there?

I am in the 5G zone. It's uncrowded. 

J.S. 

A: Are these dog treats?

N: It's only been snowing for 8 hours and we are already eating dog food. 

N.M. & A.M. 

This would be so much better if there was vodka. N.M.

Or Sean! E.S. 

1-23-16

Capturing a Scene: 

Anthony struts into the basement after we thought he Irish Goodbye-d us.

Singing, "Bitch better have my money!"

Okay. I have one secret talent. I can sing like Cher. Haha, but only when I am in my car.

N.A. 1-26-16

K: Lindsey why is your shirt so big?

L: It was a dollar.

1-26-16

Mushrooms give me gas so bad I evacuated the gift shop in Tijuana. They thought a sewer line broke.

A.M. 1-30-16

They asked Aunt Mary where she slept and she said,  "I sleep with him." 

Uncle Joe yelled, "No she doesn't. She's been gone for a month. She owes me a month of sex."

1-30-16

N.Z. Uncle Joe (age 90+)

I have too much fun on the weekends. I don't know what happens on Mondays.

I get to Thursday and I think "What the hell happened this week?"

E.N. 2-4-16

It is so cold in this house or at least in this room. I told dad I was going to wear sweatpants to Brooklyn's birthday party. He asked me if I could look presentable for once and I said, "OK. I'll wear my good sweatpants!"

L.M. 2-13-16

I like to watch shows with people trying to survive in the woods with only a condom.

2-16-16 ???

Heady Topper! Wait, I have to put a bra on for this! 

C.G. 2-18-16

I have another baby shower to go to. Should I just take a present and run? 

I love baby showers. I eat free food and get a little drunk. 

This is the best ab workout I've had in months! Where'd you get those abs? Baby shower!!!!

3-7-16

GBLT

Giraffe Bacon

You must come into all of our houses at night and steal our shit! 

(Mom while moving me out of Grandma's basement)

#Move14

4-5-16

Mom: Why do you have so many mason jars?

K: Because they're disposable. When I make something, I give it to my friends and let them keep it. 

Mom: Well, it doesn't look like you have many friends!

4-7-16

I've been breaking into this house for 60 years. 

N.M 4-8-16

I feel like I am a feelings machine.

E.M.  4-12-16

Playing Dr. Mario with you is like working in the ER. It's stressful! 

J.P. 4-11-16

Let's stop teaching and mess with as many people as possible.

C.G. 4-15-16

K I love leg wrestling

K.C. Don't you that called something else?

4-27-16

Isn't it crazy when you think about it? There's a 16-year-old high school student somewhere that's going to become very good friends with us in like 7 years. 

E.M.  4-28-16

Kelly: Look Jenny! A STEM position.

Jen: Wow! That didn't take long! So are you going to apply for the 5th grade position? 

Kelly: Probably, but think about how easy the Kindergarten job may be. 

Jen: You don't want that, do you? Are you going to have to change diapers? 

5-8-16

K: How about we stay at Nick and Liz's house for the night, go to Red Rocks now? Tomorrow, after looking in Thornton and Broomfield, we spend the night in Boulder. Then we can hang out in Boulder all day and find a cheap Airbnb to stay in?
M: How about we get a room at the Hampton Inn with king size beds?

5-13-16 Mom in Lakewood, CO

It's sad when you are out, but thinking about the frozen pizza in your refrigerator. 

K.C. 5-20-16

You're like the squirrel from Ice Age always looking for the nuts.

R.E.

Memorial Day Weekend 

You've never seen Star Wars! I just don't trust you. (Backs his chair away from the table)

N.C. 5-28-16

Hahahah! Excellent! Let me know! I definitely want to see you before you go become granola eating...non-shaven...home micro-brewing...lesbians.

L.P. 6-16-16 

So the Beaver Dam really is a beaver dam.

 ????  6-22-16

Jen after forgetting a few items at the grocery store.

"I'm going back to H Mart. There's no reason we shouldn't have the things that we want like Mochi and barbecue sauce."

7-4-16

Since I met you, I've been to J Crew once and my hiking gear has stepped up significantly. 

@Geneva CampGROUND.

J.P.

"I'm no Buddhist, but I honestly feel bad when I hurt a fly."

Nick (Due to the abundance of Nicks in my life, I am not sure who said this line.)7-15-16

Yoga on the rocks.

Alyssa M. "Is that a new drink?" 

7-27-16

Jax: Lol. I just rolled the vacuum out into the living room and Brooklyn goes, "Ah mommy you scared the crap outta me."

Kelly: How did you get b to wear underwear? 

Jackie: I stopped haunting her and I took piggy and put him in the animal jail and she kept going on the potty ever since. And I put her in pjs that Edd got her and told her if she peed in them he would be sad. 

8-17-16 

K: Jen be careful. You may get a huge splinter. Doesn't that hurt? 

J: Relax...it's fine. I think there is more danger in walking on the floorboards of your grandmother's living room. 

J.P. 9-3-16 

I can't believe we camped at 12,000 ft and woke up to cows.

J.P. 9-5-16

"When I move my head back and forth like this, it's as if my brain is staying still, but my skin is moving all around me."

"I inter-interpreted your title." (while playing Drawful)

"If one of you don't pee yourselves, I will."

"The iMessage that Rob sent me was so cute that I laid on your bathroom floor and I cried." 

"I tend to be funnier when my socks are wet."

L.M.

9-2016

9-22-16

"Brooklyn what do you want for breakfast?" 

"What mommy?" 

"What do you want for breakfast?" 

"What mommy?" 

We played three more rounds of that and then she goes, "Mommy, I can't understand you with that binky in your mouth!" 

11-7-16

Jackie: Brooklyn how can we block the corner of the tv stand so your brothers won't hit their heads...?  

Brooklyn: Mommy, hmmm maybe ..aaaa..oh! My fortress!!

11-24-16

What's your favorite part of the turkey?

Alyssa: The cheese!

Kelly: I am the messenger of the turkey skin.  #Meskinger    (I wondered whether or not to include myself in this book. I decided on yes because I did crack myself up.) 

"One time, I microwaved my underwear."

 M.B. 12-09-16

Sit and Spin has cankles. That's why she hates me! 

K.R. 12-16-16

My super power is origami. Fred 2.0.

J.D. 12-26-16 

I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink. 

J.A. 12-27-16

"You say food. I say when?" 

A.P. 12-29-16

My step father, Ed Bauer, has his own "Book of Funny Lines." However, I decided to share 2016 excerpts: 

Mya does not like folk music. 

3-7-16 (Mya is his 10 year old German Shepard.)

I'm in Burlington, VT, eating grasshoppers, drinking the best craft beer around...I think I'm a hippie. I can't believe it!!!
I'm buzzed. I'm going to a Bernie rally and I ate crickets. What says hippie more than that?   5-7-16

I set the world record for eating stuffed olives last night. 

5-13-16

Ya know what I want to do? I swear to God. I want a mohawk. 

10-7-16 E.B. 

When I was a child. I held a skunk. 

We are beer ambassadors and I enjoy that title.

I have 1,662 page views. I'm not bragging! 

I crashed into our garage door twice. #23CrownRdConfessions

Mom: Ed. Here. This goes in the China cabinet.

Ed: We have a China cabinet?

12-19-16

My Laugh Out Loud Video of 2016: Alexa!!!!!

A special thanks to all of the comedians whose funny lines I had to leave out of this publishing because they involved "inappropriate for the internet" thoughts, ideas, and references.  Also, I didn't want to upset anyone. 

Fifty-one Things I've Learned in 2015

1. I simply CANNOT use technology properly under the influence of alcohol. It is both puzzling and embarrassing at the same time.
2. When hanging out with heavy drinkers, always have an escape route that leads back to a comfortable bed, Japanese pillow, and a Puggle.
3. Poppycock is a snack and it is delicious.
4. There is a disheveled French man Named Jean Christophe cooking some of the best crepes I've ever had (besides in Paris) at William Barnacle Tavern near St. Mark's Place in NYC. #bretoncrepes
5. Turnips are supposed to be peeled.
6. Puggle does not like turnips.
7. I guess I have always known this, but felt it should be published this year. I thoroughly enjoy train rides. No driving required and plenty of time to read a book and look out the window.
8. Certain schools in Tenessee don't have snow days count against them because students and teachers communicate digitally to carry out lessons. #futuristic
9. It would benefit me to hang around more gay people.
10. Old people are very similar to children in their actions and words, but definitely not with their advice.
11. Vacationing alone is just like visiting the grocery store solo. -JP
12. Turning an old flower bed into a vegetable garden is fun, difficult, and back breaking.
13. I live in South Jersey...according to some North Jersey folk. "New Brunswick is south Jersey and Albany is Canada!"
14. Google Cloud printing is soooo easy to set up!
15. Tents come with LED lights and those lights have...wait for it...a dimmer!
16. Smoking causes strokes.
17. It's satisfying to eat ice cream after a hot day of hiking. And after you realized you didn't pack enough snacks or water for your hiking trip. Oops. #WaterfallLoopHikeOR
18. Power Tools enhance the pumpkin carving experience. -Fred
19. Cuddle Puddle
20. Ding Dong Ditch
21. It's a sports bra. #WhatIsThis?
22. Do not hold a glass of wine while watching Jen play Wii fit balance games.
23. Hunting season and hiking don't mix. #WearOrange
24. It's 2015, but you can still pocket dial someone with a smartphone. #Rose
25. There is a good chance my niece, Brooklyn, will drink red wine out of a Stanley mug in her 20s.
26. The first 7-9 seconds of a Dr. Mario game are the most critical. Act fast. Flip smart. Ensure victory.
27. Hello Kitty should be a style or a nickname for something that never goes out of style and remains consistent. Hello Kitty style.
28. Black garlic. Buy a lot. Put it in your salad. #HMart
29. Asking cashiers in Edison stores to change $100 in 20s to fives and singles is a great way to get people to think you are insane.
30. This one is 2nd hand...You become your best self when you are a parent. LD
31. When given the choice of people to hand off the video camera to, my dad is not your guy. However, when the garage door opener breaks, he is definitely your man.
32. Staple guns...yes! Fun to use and much easier than tape and nails.
33. The only time Ed cooks is when he makes pea soup.
34. This realization took place while acting as if it was not 4:37 in the morning on Christmas: The way I destress in the summer is by completely forgetting about time. Therefore, one way to destress, is to ignore time completely. You're welcome.
35. Gathering around a fire pit is a great setting for story telling.
36. Podcasts are one gateway into new experiences, perspectives, knowledge, and future conversational topics. I recommend TED Talk's: Quiet.
37. Everyone should eat at Pine State Biscuits at least once in their lifetime.
38. My mother has a strange need for placemats. "Everyday I need placemats. Every. Single. Day." -Mom 4-9-15
39. If the pollen in Atlanta doesn't kill you, the people will.
40. Well, Baby Jessica is one of my favorite conversational topics to randomly fall into.
41. Keep the Walkie Talkie ON.
42. If I tell you that I am out of food while hiking. It would be in your best interest to confiscate my pack and thoroughly search it yourself.
43. Portland is the weirdest place I have ever been.
44. Rich and Jasmine are invincible.
45. The family story about the weekly enemas my grandmother used to give her children is 100% true. While cleaning one of her closets this year, I found the enema kit, probe and all. 

"It's not mine." -Josephine age 94

46. It hurts to get tattooed on your spine. Fire. Fierce pain. OUCH!
47. There are tons of Moth performances in NYC. If you plan to attend, arrive early!
48. Taking the bus really isn't that difficult.
49. Geocaching is good, clean fun for the whole family! Thanks, Sara. 

50. INFJ = Me.
51. A perfect match for me has been hiding in North Jersey for 33 years. #foundher #thanksGappa&Tracy&Match

Things I Learned in 2014

1. Dr. Mario brings out the worst in me. 

2. Heady Topper is a fun beer to find and even more fun to drink. 

3. The correct spelling is ulterior, not alterior. As in "ulterior motives"

4. Carolyn Gappa can pour, not one, but two glasses of wine with a reaching stick.

5. I have a deep love for brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts. Judge away...

6. Cheers in Dutch: skoll...sounds like skull

7. My father is the fastest snow plow driver on the East Coast. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/video/9836323-plows-out-in-force-in-nj/

8. Despite my disdain for accumulating "stuff." I have a lot of stuff. #movingday

9. Always bring a trail map and carry your own water while hiking.

10. The Grand Canyon is the only place where I have experienced a 100 degree hair dryer while shivering with borderline hypothermia. 

11. Sedona, Arizona = tranquility

12. Austin, Texas is a little blue dot in the middle of a giant red state. 

13. A selfish person lacks empathy and therefore doesn't have the ability to see anything from another's point of view. Don't fight these people or try to change them.  Avoid them. They will suck all the kindness and positivity from you with a selfish straw. 

14. The best way to spend Easter is in the Adirondacks. 

15. The best way to spend the Fourth of July is in the Grand Canyon. 

16. A frownie is a thing. Check it out: www.frownies.com

17. When attending concerts or other crowded events supplying portable toilets, always get in the bathroom line with the most dudes.

18. Always shuck corn OUTSIDE. 🌽 #hairymess

19. You can watch the lighting of the Empire State Building in order to check status of a local football game 

20. Life can't be all work and no play. Thanks, Jim. 

21. The Earth Speaks

22. Vishnu Schist is the oldest rock on Earth.

23. There aren't many things in life that show their finality. Death is one of them. -Ed

24. I love jazz. #showerdanceparties

25. Most of the pictures I have posted of myself on Facebook are ridiculous. 

26. Never input the addressees for an e-mail you plan to start and then draft for later. Leave it blank in case you accidentally send the e-mail and sound like an idiot to your readers. 

27. Even Super Heroes get sore muscles  from working out. 

28. John Oliver and John Stewart...hilarious! 

29. BBCC (boil, blanche, cut, cook) vegetables

30. Wear gloves when dicing beets. 

31. Pumpkin is tasty. 

32. Holiday shopping is ridiculous. I will not be participating in any sort of gift exchange next year. 

33. I want to be friends with Amy Poehler. 

34. You have to make moves and sacrifices to ultimately get what you desire. I am a few steps closer to leaving NJ. 

35. My close friends, Puggle, and people over 90 are very accepting. 

36. I have been working hard at the wrong job. My focus is shifting to working on me, not how much money I can make. Better food, regular yoga, more laughing, and in the words of Amy Poehler, indulge myself in "a major case of the fuckits." 

Canyon Poetry #talentshow

Summer 2014
Grand Canyon
Colorado River
Night 6 of 7-day trip

Canyon Poetry

Talent Show

by Kelly Miragliotta, Carrie Anderson, and Trinity Esola

A little ditty about Paige and Leann

Two southern sisters exploring the Grand Can-yan

Makenzie got stung by some bees, 

and when she jumps off a waterfall, she is sure to tuck in her knees

Mary Catherine Gallagher is not the only Superstar

this M.C.'s side tube riding is very much on par

Patrice O'Neil is a very funny dude, 

but we've got Fire Raven who's still missing her special food

If the size of the rapids is what you need to know, 

then listen to the yells of our old friend JOOOOOOE

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, she surely knows her scat

and when it comes to playing games, she is where the fun is AT

Trinity, you use your mad skills to scurry up that wall, 

but girl you win the award for the cutest camp of all

John is always ready to dive into the sand, 

and when it comes time to clean the raft, he lends a helping hand

Andy may be the youngest of us all, 

but this lucky lad has already been to the wondrous Taj Mahal

Mara, she sure keeps her brothers in check 

soon she will be in another National Park...what the heck?

Beth and Dennis got to make their Grand Canyon dream come true

It isn't their honeymoon, but better because they traveled with Mackenzie too! 

When Deanna's on the raft, we know where she'll be

In that little back room, drinking her TEA

Mike is the guy you'll find in the mud, 

when he's hiking the rocks, his throws will make a big thud

Ann is "Classy Canyon." For the next river trip, can we come shopping with you?

When we get back grab a newspaper, cuz you've got a lot of catching up to do

Hey Terry, what's the word?

Can you tell us...what's that bird?

Travis, Travis, sweet as can be, 

will you please read us some more of your poetry?

J.P. Silly, stupid, hold on tight and have a good day...

Leaves us all to wonder what the hell it means anyway

There's one person here who's always got your back, 

he's a gentleman, he's helpful, he's our good buddy Zack

Kelly, Kelly, she's so clutch

She gathered all of our e-mails, so we can keep in touch

When it comes to lifting heavy stuff Adam is your bro, 

You can find him in the "bathtub" with his fake GoPro

Papa Mike, he's been our 4th guide, 

he's a seasoned rafter along for the ride

If you get heat rash, Melinda will do the job, 

but if you have a shitload of asparagus, you can give it to Bob

Look who's snapping photos while climbing up that crevasse

Of course, it's Kristen because she's so BadASS

Jason, he's the first one to experience the rapids' power, 

cuz he's always sitting in the gosh darn SHOWER

Not only are they adventurous hikers

Scott and Kathy are also drummers and bikers

David and Pam Stung by a scorpion. Broken toe. 

How the hell did we not know?!

Soon we will part ways, and home we will be

In our hearts, we'll always remain a River Family

BUTT DAMN, we had a good time! 

The Man...J.P. Running

Hatch Rafters Video

 Instagram: #hatchriverfamily2014 

How Many Cats With Your Antibiotics?

August 8, 2013
Krabi and Koh Phi-Phi Thailand

Until I ate the food cooked at Tiger Temple, I had only heard about this terrible beast called food poisoning. It was categorized in my head alongside, kidney stones, childbirth, major surgery, and getting shot, all of which I had never experienced first hand. Now, I wouldn't wish food poisoning on my worst enemy. I also don't know if I have a worst enemy. Maybe Stephanie Atkins a.k.a. Evil. Yeah, it's Her. Anyway...

Only partially conquering the beast that is F.P., we departed the city of Krabi, on cushioned bench seats in the bed of a pickup truck. This truck's bed had a roof and I wished it didn't because the two English lesbians sitting across from me were chain-smoking. I also wished that Rich, Jasmine, and Marisa would emerge from their jungle bungalows and get in the truck already, so we can get to the port. I was sweating profusely, the air felt hot and thick, and as they lit up again, I fought the urge to give the lesbots the stink eye. I wasn't concerned with missing the boat because every mode of transportation we used on this journey so far (tuk-tuk, long-tail boat, ship, train, bus, taxi) was tardy.  The vomiting was gone, but the intense nausea was as present as the 45L backpack between my legs. Finally, as I thought the odor of leftover bananas from Rich's rescue remedies would cause me to vomit all over the owner of Vasana Bungalows, my traveling companions piled in. We waved goodbye to Vasana and the breeze moving through the bed of the old pickup felt refreshing. That nice woman had no idea how close I was to heaving all over her. 

Exhaust fumes, more cigarettes, bumps, tuk-tuks, and finally the port. Since I was a kid, my dad owned a boat. I never understood how or why people could be seasick...now I get it. Choosing to stay above deck instead of below was a good choice. Dr. Jasmine Ormaechea Pharmacia gave me some pills to swallow. I wanted to have more than a banana in my stomach, so I grabbed a slice of bread from the bag of life. Rich sat next to me and put his arm around me. It helped.

Notice the bandages on Rich's knees from the motorbike crash
and the scrapes from cliff diving at
Tanote Bay. 

 Human contact has an amazingly positive effect on me. Eating half of that slice of bread was harder than climbing the rock in Tanote Bay, where if I had slipped, I would certainly have fallen to my death. I never ate the other half of the slice because when I looked into my lap at the bag containing the remaining loaf, I noticed ants having a party inside. Without hesitation or a significant reaction, I weakly tossed all the bread we had in the garbage can next to me. I laid down on the white bench of the open deck and passed out. The boat was still docked. Late. 

When I woke up, Marisa was seated next to me reading and the Rich Jasmine duo was gone. She informed me about their plan to tie me to the railing due to my small size and their fear that I may fall overboard while sleeping. Those two, haha. The Andaman Sea was a beautiful color. We were heading to the location I was most excited about, Koh Phi Phi. Koh Phi Phi is where the movie, The Beach was filmed and I felt like death was coming for me. My mom had every right to be worried about me going to Thailand for a month. 

After finally arriving at Koh Phi Phi Don, we paid our 20 baht tax to get on the island and walked toward our beach bungalow. Walking felt good and I convinced myself that I could down a Snickers (a staple in our Thailand diet plan), so I did. I remembered our travel agent in Bangkok told us this bungalow would have air conditioning. Ask my roommate, Adam, I would go all summer in NJ without touching the air conditioner, but in the condition I was in, AC was a luxury I would sell my passport for. Once we realized Phi Phi Nice Resort was located on the beach of the marina next to the Phi Phi Hospital and our view was the back of the building in front of us which had a long crack oozing a brown foam-like substance, we were NOT happy about it. 

Jasmine would not tolerate the location and was determined to convince Maam to change our placement. I was as helpful as a truckload of chihuahuas. Naptime for me. I was sandwiched between the Bay of Bengal and the Andaman Sea, in the most beautiful place I have ever seen, and I was in an air-conditioned hotel room napping. After nearly coming to blows, so I was told, with the resort manager, Jasmine was able to get in touch with someone from Tiger Travel and make arrangements. The chain-smoking English lesbians reappeared and were equally unsatisfied, however, they didn't bring a blonde Argentinian with them. The next step was to venture across the island to find a more suitable place to stay and then call Tiger Travel back. 

Stupidly, I joined the quest for a better bungalow with Marisa and Jasmine. We were tipped off by a few scuba instructors. Eventually, after hiking (yes, hiking through the jungle to the other side of the island on a 45 min walk), Jasmine and Marisa's determination paid off when they found Paradise Pearl Resort. Cue angels singing. While they negotiated, I sat in the dark on the beach feeding the mosquitoes 32 and a half-year-old American blood. Geez, they walk fast. During the return trek through the main area of the island, the stench of Thai BBQ mixed with durian fruit reminded me that I was not better. I covered my nose with my grey bandanna, looked down and followed the long-legged ladies back to Phi Phi Nice Resort. Not so nice...actually. 

The next morning, we packed up, jumped in a long tail boat and headed across the island to the most beautiful beach I had ever seen. The weather was gorgeous and as soon as we checked in and dropped our packs in the room, we headed to the beach. About a half-hour later, I decided to fully embrace the paradise Jasmine fought so hard for by taking yet another nap.

I still felt nauseous and had "stomach issues" for 4 days, so I read about Bangkok Belly and dysentery in my Thailand book (thanks to Bob). Since I couldn't eat and could barely drink, I decided (with the push from friends at home...thanks Nick) to admit myself to the hospital. Rich flagged a water taxi and the 4 of us bypassed the nauseating odors of the main strip (thank God) and headed toward the hospital.

We walked into the hospital and Mother Jasmine explained my symptoms. I learned that I weigh 45 kg or 110 pounds. As I observed the surroundings, I noticed that this establishment didn't look much like a hospital at all. It was more like some sort of clinic where women go to get their nails done. They even had soap operas playing on the television. Anyway, the nurse asked me questions and measured my vitals. No fever. Next, she brought me into the emergency room (which was just a room full of medical supplies and a few beds). She took blood (gloveless), listened to my stomach (noisy), and gently inserted an IV into my left hand while Jasmine held my right hand (I still have the scar. Maybe I will show you sometime...for 10 baht). The blood results showed that my infection was minor, so she decided to give me fluids, antibiotics, electrolyte powder, and pills for stomach cramping and nausea. However, the drip would take about 4-5 hours. 

"Is she fine? Okay, good. Is there wifi?" Marisa questioned. I like to hope she was more concerned about my well-being than the wifi. I admit it was the best wifi we had all trip! Rich and Jasmine were talking loudly, asking the nurse questions and moving in and out of the room aggressively. At one point, Rich had his hand way to close to my IV and I recalled the story he told a few days ago where Jasmine accidentally ripped out his IV and blood was shooting everywhere. Crazy.

Eventually, I was placed in a quieter part of the nail salon and was given a bed. As the nurse led me, IV in tow, she removed 3 cats resting on the foot of my soon to be hospital bed's blanket/towel who must have come in through the open windows. Then, she tossed me mosquito repellent. Asia...

The look on my face must have prompted her to close all the windows near the bed. I wondered if I was getting Punked. 

Rich and Jasmine left for dinner and Marisa stayed behind with me. The best part of the hospital so far was the free wifi. No, there wasn't any air conditioning, but there were 2 adjustable fans nearby. I pulled my towel/blanket toward me in an effort to cover any exposed skin and settled into my bed with iPhone in hand. I told Jorj about my condition via Tango and asked him not to tell my family (Sorry guys, but I didn't want you to worry more.). A different woman came in with 3 pills for me to take and an orange powder for my drink. Asian Gatorade? One pill was for nausea, the other stomach cramping and the last was an antibiotic.

Marisa and I chatted for a bit, FaceTimed with Jorj and laughed at the bizarreness of the whole thing. 

Rich and Jasmine returned and brought Marisa a smoothie. They informed us that the windows around us are tinted on the inside so we can't see out, but people walking by on the streets can see in. Jasmine was so exhausted from her morning dive that she hopped into the bed next to me and went to sleep. Rich left for the Phi Phi equivalent of "Had Rin Beach," but promised to be back between 11 and 11:30. 

Ten minutes later, the biting began. Jasmine and her nebula bruise from her fall this morning "came to" and jumped out of bed wondering why all of a sudden she had 6 bites on one elbow. 

She thought maybe the cats had fleas or the mosquitoes were just super angry here. I gave her the magical Chinese lotion from Marisa's friend (thanks Angela) and it eased the irritation. Meanwhile, Marisa was also getting annihilated by insects and had to hop into the bed with me to cover any exposed skin. The little pests were actually buzzing in our ears!

Jasmine left us to see if we could move to a bugless room with air conditioning. "Pay more money," the nurse responded. So she asked another nurse and this one just said, "No." Jasmine followed her around while scratching her right elbow, persistently inquiring about an air-conditioned room. "She's going to get another disease just staying here. This place is hell on earth." Jasmine stated with frustration. Next, the nurse wandered over to my bedside and reached for my left arm as if she was going to remove the IV without warning. "Are you going to take it out?" I asked, puzzled because there was still about 1/4 of the solution left. She nodded her head, removed the IV (gloveless of course), placed a cotton ball and tape over the hole and walked away without uttering one word. 

"What can we steal?" Jasmine asked as she opened a drawer. She found a pile of napkins and jacked those along with a few bottles of water stashed in a corner. We left realizing that we just got kicked out of a Thai hospital for requesting air conditioning.

So...they like to get kicked out of places.

Now I was feeling a lot better and was super happy about that! Our next obstacle was to find Rich. Even though I was getting my groove back, I did not feel up for searching the crazy side of the island for Rich. Marisa and I told Jasmine it wasn't safe for her to search alone. After trying to think of the most logical way to solve this problem, we came to the conclusion that at 11:30, Rich will walk back to the Hospital, notice we aren't there and know that we MUST be back at Paradise Pearl. We didn't have any wifi, but I had a sharpie! We decided to write Rich a note on a white piece of styrofoam garbage laying on the walkway. Jasmine scribbled in blue ink: "Sorry Rich. We went home. Got kicked out of hospital. Come home."

 We didn't leave the note on the steps of the now-closed and locked hospital but propped against the side of a potted plant in the walkway knowing that he will pass it en route to Paradise Pearl. 

Yeah, our genius plan didn't work out the way we expected, but that is a story in itself. 

The fluids didn't their magic and I was back in business. I couldn't wait for an American breakfast the next morning! Finally, I could enjoy Koh Phi Phi!

Things I've Learned in 2013

1. I DO spit on the mirror! I had no idea.

2. Peeing in the snow while hiking is much more fun than peeing in the dirt while hiking. There's no splashing and you can plug the little hole your pee stream melted with your tp. Place a little snow on top and finito! Fun. 

3. Thailand is called the Land of Smiles

4. Bathrooms in Thailand usually don't provide soap, toilet paper, or running water.

5. To flush a non flushing toilet, simply pour a bucket of water directly into the bowl and watch the contents be forced down the pipes.

6. There have been tons of radioactive water spilling into the Pacific Ocean since March of 2011.

7. Bandanna has a double n. (Thanks Jess.) 

8. Yoga is great in so many ways and I am an idiot for not trying it earlier in my life. 

9. A 5th grader taught me how to ask, "What is your name?" In Hindi

10. I can say thank you and hello in Thai. 

11. Matt and Julie have seen every funny YouTube video. 

12. How to flip my classroom successfully.

13. How light painting with my Cannon works

14. Willow Rd. In Somerset has more wildlife than Acadia National Park

15. I know what the fox says. 

16. The Lost Boys from Peter Pan live on the island of Koh Phi Phi, Thailand. I found them. 

17. Scorpions taste like plastic bacon.

18. The stench of durian fruit is unforgettable and nauseating. 

19. When presented with the option to either rent a moped or rent a quad while vacationing in a foreign country, choose a quad. Always. 

20. Zip lining is thrilling. 

21. I like quail eggs

22. I can run a half marathon in less than 2 and a half hours. However, the act of walking the next day is quite a challenge. 

23. Cross country skiing is hard for me and I spent a lot of time on my ass. 

24. Coca Cola and a veggie sandwich make a significant difference when you have a case of Bangkok Belly. 

25. It takes Jorj and I 13 minutes to pitch my tent. It probably would have taken less time if I accepted his help offer sooner. 

26. I was not cut out for horseback riding. #DangHorse

27. Bathing in the Gulf of Thailand with a bar of soap results in a cleaner feeling than showering in Bottle Beach 2 Resort's shower. Maybe it was the brown water...#KohPanang

28. Always check the course elevation when deciding which half marathon to run. 

29. I keep the following items in all of my bags, backpacks, and purses: Chapstick, gum, hand sanitizer, baby wipes, a pen, matches, and a tampon.

30. Life is a chess game.

31. My chess game could use some improvement. 

32. Leaning into turns helps my snowboarding skills. 

33. I lived under a rock until I was 22.

Rent a Quad...Always

Motorbike take 1 Friday, July 19th
Koh Tao, Thailand

Marisa and I started our day with a Kashi bar and some peanut butter to prepare for a run. We hadn't been exercising much since we were trying to survive in Thailand and were very excited to lace up our running sneakers and hit the island roads. We mapped out a course and told Dickie and Jasmine, we'd meet them in the hotel lobby after around 10:15.
We stuck to the main road and which turned out to be infested with hills. These hills felt like the Palisades half marathon all over again except in the jungle and on an island, I thought to myself. Despite the hilly terrain and thick air, it felt great to be running again. We spotted a yoga studio, checked the schedule, and decided to take a 2-hour class tomorrow. After about 15 minutes, we started to take walking breaks. Marisa had a cramp and I welcomed the chance to slow my pace to a brisk walk. To the left, you could see the ocean through the bungalows scattered about and to the right were homes of the local Thai people, businesses, and piles of garbage. One particular location was a heap of cans and bottles which I coined the recycling center even though I was positive the trash had been sitting there for a really long time.

As we moved along, we spotted a pumpless "gas station" which was shelves sitting near the road holding glass bottles filled with gasoline. The Thai are very simple people.


Once 20 minutes had passed we approached the part of the road where garbage dumps seemed to line either side of the road and it smelled a little like Bangkok, so we decided to turn around. We continued to run/walk back to our hotel, sweat soaking our shirts. l looked forward to a shower.

Dickie and Jasmine had already rented a scooter to explore other parts of the island including Tanote Bay, who my friend Patty recommended for cliff jumping. Marisa agreed to drive the scooter since I was terrified of being on a motorbike and especially terrified of being the driver of one. Thailand is like England where they drive on the opposite side of the road than us.

From the hotel, Jasmine and I walked the beach route while Dickie and Marisa rode the motorbike to the rental shop. My hands were shaking and I felt jittery from the workout and lack of food in my stomach. The 1/2 Kashi bar and 1/2 pod of Jiff had expired long ago and I needed calories, immediately! Across from the rental shop was a small stand outside of a 7 11 where a woman was selling pancakes (crepes) and sandwiches. The egg and cheese caught my eye and Jasmine and I ordered 2. I was super excited to eat!
CRASH! "Ooohh!" a chorus of Thai taxi drivers and tourists sang out. They were all staring uphill toward the street. Jasmine and I turned our heads and saw a girl in the middle of the road pulling a twisted motorbike off the ground. As I  looked more closely, I recognized the light blue shorts. "Oh-no! It's Marisa!" we chanted in unison. I mashed my money into Jasmine's hand and quickly scurried up the hill knowing that I should be heading in the opposite direction toward the 7 11 for medical supplies. I had seen pretty bad scratches on her knees and could only imagine what other injuries had occurred. When I finally reached Marisa and Rich, she was bleeding from the knees and I asked if she was okay.
She seemed to be a little shaken up, so I went back down the hill determined to try my best at identifying medical supplies in the convenience store as fast as possible. Every bottle and box was labeled in Thai! Uh-oh. A large bottle of water, band-aids, gauze wrap, tape, and alcohol were the items I scrounged up.
Marisa was standing opposite the desk of the store owner with a waterfall of blood dripping down one leg into her Birkenstocks and a very serious look on her face. My first thought was to whip out my Canon and take a photo, but I thought she might punch me. Instead, I knelt down & decided to take out the items I picked up. "He's going to charge me a lot of money," Marisa claimed regretfully. She had tried to start the bike on a hill and turn in the opposite direction at the same time. Oops.

Marisa's knee days later... 

For the next ten minutes, Rich helped Marisa talk the owner down from 8,700 Baht to about 6,000 Baht ($180) as payment for damages and she cleaned out her cuts. 
We rented a quad instead and I drove it behind Rich and Jasmine on a scooter to Tanote Bay.
The very next day, on their last jaunt before returning their motorbike, Rich and Jasmine crashed their motorbike as well. Jasmine's foot folded up like a taco and Rich's knees and feet were scraped up. 

Jasmine's Dead Foot
  

Koh Tao took their money, skin, and the Mosquitoes feasted on all of us. We all escaped with our lives and looked forward to accident-free adventures in Koh Phangan.

Lesson learned: rent a quad...always.