Parent E-mail May 7th 2019

Dear Parents,

Hello. I have so much gratitude for each of you who thanked me yesterday, gave me a much-needed embrace, and sent heartfelt e-mails. Your kind words and thanks are helping me get through this awful & emotional time. I cannot imagine what it was like to be left to wonder about the safety of your child once you found out about what was happening. I would like to give you as many details as possible about the experience yesterday in hopes to help you understand the environment, precautions taken, and shed some light on a horrific event.

The students were finishing up a brain break during the writing period when I heard the lockdown announcement. I followed all procedures from training, locking the door, shutting off the lights, and ushering the students to a place out of sight. I took attendance, double-counted, and triple-counted. I realized that one student had asked to use the restroom and hoped that he knew to get to the nearest classroom or hide if he was still in the bathroom.  At first, I thought it was just a drill, but as the announcement continued to repeat itself, “Lockdown. Locks, lights, out of sight,” I heard 2 loud pops that I knew were not good sounds. Luckily, the kids didn’t notice them. Ms. Jan, our EA was in the classroom. She assisted in counting and helping to keep the kids quiet. As I realized the lockdown was not a drill, I started to move the kids closer together to make a tight little circle in the library corner of our classroom.

I got up to grab my phone and noticed the overwhelming number of police vehicles out the window. My mouth went dry and my hands began to shake. I tried my best to keep the kids calm. At this point, a few of them were crying thinking it was not only a drill. I encouraged them to take some deep breaths and assured them that they were safe. As scary and horrible as this whole situation turned out to be, the love in the room was intense as well. Students reached out to hold hands, wrap an arm around a friend, squeeze a shoulder, rub a back, pass a tissue, and even give a sneaker squeeze. I sent countless messages trying to find my missing student but had no luck.

I wish I never had to witness so much fear on the faces of children, but it was there. While managing my phone and Ms. Jan’s phone, I learned about what was going on. My family in NJ was sending me news updates and the 27 students, Ms. Jan, and I sat together waiting. When I received the text that each class was going to be ushered out by police, I finally told them that this wasn’t a drill and they had to listen to me very carefully. We all tried to be as quiet as possible. I gave out peppermint candy to help suppress coughing. I told them that the door was going to open and police officers were going to take us to safety.

At this point, more students started crying because they were worried about their family members that either worked in or attended our school. I continued reassuring them that they are safe and that I will protect them. It must have been terrifying for them to hear the pounding footsteps on the roof, see the reflection of flashing lights on the wall, and experience commands and walkie-talkie sounds from the hallway. I assured them that those sounds were good and that the police were there to protect us all. I admired their bravery and wondered what their young minds were thinking.

I admit that I dreaded the moment when our classroom door would open. Students continued to give each other reassuring smiles and check-ins. It was heart-warming to witness their compassion during such a scary time. After almost 2 hours, our classroom door opened and 3 fully armed officers entered our 4th-grade classroom. A scene no student nor teacher should ever have to experience. They were as gentle in their words as they could be. They asked me how many people were in the classroom and I told them 29. They instructed us to put our hands on our heads after shoving anything we had into our pockets. It was breaking my heart that the kids had to do this.

We were ushered out of the classroom leaving behind open Chromebooks, unfinished fractured fairy tales, and lines of poetry scattered about. A learning environment, frozen in time.  In the hallway, more officers directed us down the stairs and out the western elementary entrance. Once outside, we were allowed to remove our hands from our heads. We walked across the street and stood on the sidewalk waiting for buses. It was hard to keep the kids quiet while listening to instructions from police officers. The students did not know what had happened. It was even more difficult to keep my emotions together as my partner, family, and friends called and texted their concerns.  My colleagues and I tried to maintain order in the midst of sirens, flashing lights, announcements, and frantic parents.

Yellow school buses arrived to take us to Northridge Recreation Center and we boarded the bus packing 3 students to a seat. I can’t imagine what was going through their minds as we exited the school grounds passing a helicopter, ambulances, firetrucks, and countless police vehicles and officers. “Woah, this is a big deal,” I heard one of them observe. It felt surreal to see for myself and still could not react the way my mind was beckoning me to. I focused on the kids and continued to inquire via text about the student who left class to use the bathroom. I was so worried about him.

Once we arrived at the recreation center, teachers organized students in alphabetical order on designated tennis courts and I kept my eye on the door of arriving students, soaked with rain, hoping to see my last student. As I walked down my line of students, asking them for their date of birth, I saw that many of them were being kids-- playing chopsticks and laughing with friends. They inquired about the missing student and admired their concern for others in the face of all of this confusion. A few students, rightfully so, were white with concern for their siblings who were also students.

As soon as I could, I left my class with the other 4th-grade teachers and Ms. Jan to try and find a sister, a brother, and my missing student. I felt like I couldn't breathe until I found him and knew he was safe. I asked a police officer if the team swept the bathrooms in elementary school and he assured me that they did. This made me feel a little better, but I continued looking for him.

Finally, another group of students was bussed in and I saw a little person wrapped in a soaking wet oversized red zip-up being embraced by an older girl. It was HIM and he was with his sister. I felt like after 3.5 hours, I could finally breathe again. Eventually, I was able to reunite him with the class. They cheered as we approached and my heart was full. They welcomed him back and we all sat together waiting to reunite each student with their parents- grade by grade. Students asked me if I knew what happened and I told them that didn’t know but was trying to find out. A lie I felt bad about, but I felt was justified.

When it was our turn to leave the tennis courts, we held hands and made our way up the stairs to the mirrored exercise studio. As parents were matched with their children, I started to tear up because of all the love in the room. Smiles and relief in all of your faces tugged at my emotions.

Again, I thank you all for the kind words and embraces. I have been thinking about each child and wish I could give them all a hug right now. They were so brave and I am proud of them.

I promise to do what I can to make a change in school safety. My former students from NJ have reached out in concern. These sweet 13-year-olds should not have to be worried about their teacher. This breaks my heart, but it is very real and sadly a part of the world we all live in. I will continue to teach respect, empathy, kindness, tolerance, and acceptance to every student I have. We need more love in this world to drive out hate and it starts with children. I promise to continue to read diverse books, infuse the curriculum with life lessons from my travels & life experiences, and encourage children to live a life of wonder, acceptance, tolerance, and kindness.

I hope this e-mail gives you some comfort. Please give your child a hug from me this evening and convey that I am proud to be their teacher and that I am thinking of them.

With Love,

Ms. Miragliotta

RESOURCES

Parent Guidelines for Helping Youth After the Recent Shooting

The Role for Caring Adults After a School or Community Tragedy

Student Perpetrators of School Violence

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers - Spanish

Care for Caregivers: Tips for Families and Educators

Care for Caregivers: Tips for Families and Educators - Spanish

The Evolution of Grandma's Cookwear

March 18, 2019

     Sentimental is not a word I would have used to describe myself. Analyzing my mother and her close relationship with "stuff" it is very easy to describe her as nostalgic. As a kid, helping her decorate the house with my sister, we'd hear her say things like, "That was my Aunt Eva's or Aunt Helen gave me this." I didn't understand the sentimental feeling I observed in her until people in my life started passing away and I started living on my own. Now, dear mother, I understand.
     Before I moved to Colorado, I had been living in my Grandma Josephine's basement. Sadly, on January 18th at the age of 94, she had a massive stroke and passed away. Just the night before her stroke, she was carrying on with her normal routine of dinner (the main course in which iceberg lettuce drowning in olive oil and balsamic vinegar was always a part of), sharing a golden delicious apple with my Puggle, and taking her 3-wheeler down to her friend Betty Jean's house for a visit. This was typical behavior of this very active senior citizen whom everyone in the neighborhood loved and looked out for.  Living in Grandma's house without her proved difficult.
     However difficult it was, I continued moving forward and thought about how lucky I was to have spent the last year of Grandma Josephine's life living with her. She developed a relationship with Puggle and I got to know her better. I learned her routines, habits, and best of all her stories. Sidenote: I'm glad old people repeat themselves. I must have heard a few of her stories multiple times and still have trouble recalling 100% of them.  While living with her, I left an invitation to a dinner party in her basement on her lap as she napped in her reclining chair in her beloved "TV Room." She awoke, read the note, and RSVPed yes by shouting from the top of the basement stairs. She did not dare climb down the steps because she was forbidden to descend without an escort as per an official document created by my Aunt Rosemarie. The document was displayed on the low wooden door crafted by my dad just in case she needed a reminder. She enjoyed the invitation to dinner and wine in her basement & the actual food and booze that was had. After we colored on a mural I had purchased at a local craft store, the story-telling began. I was smart enough to record this session, but have yet to listen to it 3 years later. I believe it was the story about her appendicitis onset while out picking berries.
     It was 2016 and I had 3 more months until I was moving to Colorado. Luckily, I had so many sick days remaining with my teaching job that I was able to take a day off with my mom. Our task was to relocate me from the basement to the main level of the house. The basement had been cozy, but cold. I even became accustomed to showering in a closet containing a small, but tall shower stall (RIPseuss) crafted by my father when he lived in the same space. It was minimal and worked just fine. However, I thought sunlight and heat would be nice and Puggle (current nickname: Esther current age: 91) would be thankful not to have to climb and descend a full flight of steep basement stairs multiple times daily.
     On moving (aka elevation relocation) day, I brought boxes and random items up the basement steps and my mom organized them on the main level. We tackled the kitchen first and it was then she started to realize how much of my kitchen materials came from my Grandma Marge (her mother), my Grandma Josephine (owner of the current house setting), and my mother herself. At one point, she had discovered a bowl that she had stolen years earlier from Shikki House (a Japanese restaurant that we could only have once in a blue moon because it was expensive). She yelled, "Kelly! You must come into all our houses at night and steal our shit!" I was cackling & thinking that this was one of the most amusing things my mom has ever said. I must write this down. While shaking with laughter, I grabbed my iPhone and feverishly recorded her words in 2016's Book of Funny Things (4-5-16 Thank you, Evernote). She was right in that I had a lot of other people's "shit," but she was wrong about how I acquired it. I didn't steal kitchen materials from family members' houses like some type of thieving village/suburb ninja.  There are perfectly good explanations for all goods in question. Grandma Marge's silverware, mugs, and dishes were either given directly to me before she passed away or taken by me after (totally fair). Grandma Josephine's cookware was in use because I lived there and anything I had adopted was family approved. As far as obtaining my mother's things...it's fuzzy. I can't really remember exactly when I had acquired her things, but thinking back, I don't feel as if any of it was gained maliciously. I am not the one who steals salt and pepper shakers and spoons at restaurants because they are cute, MOM. *
     Now, unlike both of my grandmothers, I use the fine china and the good silverware on a daily basis. I think of them each time I sip out of Grandma Josephine's flowery glass coffee mug or pass someone a fork from Grandma Marge's silverware set that was only used for holidays. Yes, mom, I also think of you (and your thievery) when I use the "monkey dish" from Shikki House. Sentimental I have become and I am totally okay with it.
     The truth is...Grandmas' cookware has gone through a noteworthy evolution. Growing up in New Jersey, the cookware contained meatballs, mashed potatoes, zucchini casserole, angel hair pasta, macaroni and cheese, and pirogies. Families gathered together at a large table to feast on its contents. Today, Grandmas' cookware is in Morrison, Colorado. It is currently being used to bake homemade granola bars in the kitchen of two lesbians.
     There you have the evolution of Grandmas' casserole dishes. Thanks, Grandmas. I think of you both every single day. I wonder where the cookware will be used next.

Lesbians and Their Granola

It looks like Aunt Rosemarie killed it, Nik-Nock.

*While reading this part of the story aloud, to my mother, she picked up the butter knife sitting in front of her, paused and stated, "Who knows where this is from?" LOL

38 Things I Learned in 2018

2018 was a year of many things laughs, moving (of course), LOVE, and learning. Here are some of the things I learned in 2018.

1. Pro Tip: If you can't eat it, buy a candle flavored like it. -Keto Connect dude 

2. You know that your work pants are very comfortable when you almost leave the house for the gym and realize you were still wearing them.

3. I just read a sign on a McDonald’s. “If you can’t make it to us, we’ll bring it to you!” McDonald’s flippin delivers. #$5GetYourselfABigMac

4. I need to live in Denver. 

4.b. Dude you can borrow camping gear from the library. Beth

5. When you find crumbs on your shirt from the last slice of the Joey D's NJ pizza in your freezer, you do not brush them off...You EAT THEM. Every. Single. Crumb. 

NJ Pizza Wins

5.a. Always wait in book signing lines in CO. Nobody fights and the line moves wicked fast. #NiceSneaksDeepak

6. Sometimes you gotta turn her off to turn her on. R.T. 3-5-18

He was referring to the copy machine, you perverts. 

7. I got sunburned through my windshield on the way to Breck. The temperature was cold and the sun felt so warm on my face, so I didn’t use the sun visor in my car. Lesson learned.

8. Puggle is afraid of the wind. I found her hiding/somewhat stuck under my bed. Another reason I need to move. Crazy Lady doesn't close the sliding door in the kitchen. The wicked wind makes it look like the devil is breakdancing in the kitchen. 

9.  When driving around the Rockies in a snowstorm, leave your GPS on only so you know how many more terrifying minutes and miles it will be until you get to safety. Also, your GPS will help you read the street signs when they are covered in snow.

10. I lived with a person who is bipolar. She confused me every single day. Nothing she did made any sense.  Lesson learned: no bipolar roommates. 

11. Toothpick boxes are so damn secure until you open them. Then you got a bunch of little daggers falling everywhere. There’re on the floor, all over the inside of your cabinets when you move. When the hell will I ever need 800 round toothpicks? 1/2 the box gets dumped out accidentally and the other 1/2 minus the twenty toothpicks you actually bought the box for. 

Toothpicks are meant to be stolen.

12. While wandering the West Highlands neighborhood on a Sunday, you may stumble upon many Open Houses. Go inside. They offer mimosas, quiche, and LaCroix on ice. I felt like I was in a scene from I Love You, Man. 

13. Snookie wrote a book. Snookie from Jersey shore wrote a flippin book.

14. Breakfast burritos are not meant to be eaten while driving in the car on the way to work.

15. A psychologist in Africa thought of the idea to certify grandmothers in mental health so when families can’t afford the bus to get to get to his office they can go to their local grandmother for therapy and emotional support or focus on dealing with depression. 

16. Coloradans love horses so much.

17. People in CO have diving skills! Realization at the community pool in Ken Caryl

18. If I were ever homeless and in need of a shower and water, I would come to the Ken Caryl community pool.

19. When camping in Colorado, you do not have to walk far to begin scavenging for tiny little twigs and then larger sticks to start your fire. There’s so much wood all around you that the 10 foot radius around the fire provides more than enough kindling. I caught myself walking around the campsite and realized I didn’t have to go very far. This made me think of camping at Timberland Lake New Jersey and how scarce little sticks were. I love it here.

20. It is fun to throw dinner parties in the woods.

21. Strategic movement helps me solve jigsaw puzzles.

22. The intellectual dark web exists. 

23. My mother LOVES Macy’s. 

24. Always bring multiple sets of headphones on road trips and airplane rides. (USB and Aux cable variety-noise canceling is best)

25. Dear Palisades Peaches 🍑, I love you.

26. It’s a lot harder to keep tattoos hydrated in Colorado...seems like there isn’t enough Aquaphor in the world. 

27. Mirror is a fascinating word

28. Joe Foster doesn’t know how to loosen a bra strap. However, he is faster than any of my former roommates when it comes to installing my bra strap hiding gadget. Sorry, Adam. Thank you, mother. 

29. As of 9-19-18, there are no ginger emoji choices. Why doesn’t the blond with the ponytail emoji have a brunette option? I own the ponytail. May I suggest a messy bun emoji? 

30. I can not sleep well or fall back to sleep easily when I am cold.

31. 7 = the number of bounty paper towels I need to replace a bath towel when stepping out of the shower 10-11-18 1st night in CO Springs house & i forgot my towel.

32. Alexa Echo Plus kicks Echo’s 2nd Generation ass Research actual name of upgrade (dot?) mini Alexa and Alexa 

33. Tonight, I think I finally figured out how to keep a toothpick box from exploding. Give the know-it-all box a little shake while tilting it back to close securely. It only took me until age 37 3/4 to figure it out. 

34.  Drop a pin when you park and don't know where in the city of Denver you are. Sorry, Caitlin. I am still working on getting my city legs. 

35. I will consider eating a moldy maple candy for exactly 11 seconds before I bitch slap myself in the senses. Maybe a bitch slap is effective because if you slap a person hard enough, all 5 senses will be stimulated at once. You see the hand coming at ya. You definitely feel the crisp contact. We all know the sound of a slap. You could taste and smell the scent of blood. 

36. If you are ever hungover, jump on a cold Colorado Lake. You will be immediately cured. (KS)

37. The term ganja is derived from Sanskrit. 
38. I made #4 happen. 

Funny Moments of 2018

Thank you to everyone who made me laugh in 2018. Here is a tribute to highlight the small moments and relive them again. Enjoy!

1-1-18

Do you remember that time we were in the back yard and thought the cops were coming after us, but they were really looking for a missing autistic child? That happened. 

LH:  Sorry that I am late. A teacher lost a salamander and I was trying to help her find it. Then I remembered they sell them at Petsmart.

K: (to student teacher) Welcome to STEM! 

1-8-17

Kids have crushes on teachers. My students come up to me right here (gestures at boob height). I think that is when it starts.

B.W.

K: Cat paw it.

???: Is that even an appropriate thing to say when you aren’t drunk?

Kelly: Did you get my face in that pic? 

Gips: Yeah, I got only your face in the picture. You will see it on our website tomorrow. Just kidding you know I don’t know how to upload anything! 

K & SB: Ha ha ha ha

You should’ve been like, "I’m usually a V, but for tonight I want to be a D." 

B.W.

“That word has never been said on this carpet before!” 

B

This hoodie has a blunt pocket. It’s that good. 

~Anonymous

1-26-18

K: Hey, are you ready? 

B: Yeah give me a minute. Let me get my dollar store chapstick and my poncho. How old am I? 

I spent $30 today...on TEN COOKIES. 

~Anonymous

“Lobster Rolls in the freezer.”

Pot Luck

Pan with melted butter, oregano, bread crumbs, and a dirty spoon. 

Hahahahaha

K: How did you get away from her? How did you end it? 

E.J: I literally RAN away. She was fast too. I believe she was a track star. 

2-3-18

Somewhere out there SM is getting a hard-on. 

B.W.

You must be 24 to ride THIS... 

J.H.

2-16-18

My emergency plans are a bottle of vodka and a hammer. 

E.J.

3-27-18

That show. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? That show was a fucking BREEZE.

P. C.

3-29-18

Conversation with Landlord/Pimp:

I told him that my ex-girlfriends flew in to help me through surgery.

He responded: I know you date girls, but I didn’t know you were a pimp.

4-15-18

4-18-18

Achillius

They are all squirrels. I got the black squirrel of Princeton...

AL

K: Remember that time we were hungover doing report cards. 

B.W: Which time? 

Both: Hahaha

I have such anxiety at the airport you want to pretend you don’t even know me. 

Cassie O.

I’m a Kardashian at the airport and I don’t even know what that means.

R.T.

All the rednecks need to die or sell their property.

C.D.

#JesusTrustFall

Tell me more about who thought of the Jesus Trust Fall.

K.T.

Ya know what’s bugging me? It’s his colons!

B.W.

Go fuck a clown behind the tree.

B.W.

She is touchy about ginger. You better watch out. 

?

I can drink coffee and then go to sleep. I am a koala. I can drink 5-hour Energy and then pass out on the couch. 

6-6-18

B.W.

6-9-18

When they leave, where do the cats go?

Lea Cat store in Denver

#RFZ

Rapists Free Zone

You currently own two properties and live in the basement of a rapist.

J.B.

6-30-18

Puggle Properties LLC

Slogan: Pay your rent, Bitch.

If you try to fuck me, I will shit all over you.

I don’t want the government looking at my phone and seeing my miles. 

I’m serious though.

C.D.

Two peaks are not enough and 5 is way too many!

EB

My only real hiking fear, except getting lost, getting eaten by a bear, and getting left in the dust by Marisa and Kelly, is running out of water! 

HB

I have to be honest, I don’t think I could get up. The small chair is stuck to my ass and she is about 35 pounds. (My sis stuck in a kid's chair with Brooklyn on her lap.

JD

The van will be here for the VT Brewer's Festival tomorrow. 

K: We're taking a van?

E: Brother Matt is renting a van. 

K: LOLOLOLOL

I have a mole on my butthole. It’s getting bigger. 

~Anonymous

She owns two properties and lives in the crawlspace. 

Mom

7-16-18

K: I’m going to go to Iowa and explore caves. 

JD: Is that what they call it these days? 

7-19-18

The definition of tired: looking at Tim's feet and saying that I have boots just like those! Forgetting, of course, that in fact, they were my boots! ☺ HB

K: Every time you try a new thing your brain lights up.

M.T: That’s why I like tapas. I really do. Every plate should be a small plate. 

Have you ever made your bed while still laying in it? 

#StudioCrawlSpaceLife

7-28-18 Me

KT: Listen, you carnivorous bitch!

K: They’re eating us alive! 

Being Instagram famous is like being rich with Monopoly money.

?

I hate traveling through time zones, it feels like I haven’t eaten in days.

JC

You look hungry and I heard I'm lookin' like a snack tonight. 

N.A.

J.F.

That little guy dancing makes me think of Bambi walking for the first time. 9-14-18

If we ever had a real fire. Someone’s going to die.

AB

9-28-18

Are you still stretching?  Because I kind of want to push you over.

Shelley from Charlie's 

CB I don’t dance. 

PW You dance with me.

10-7-18

"Carly the OG Alexa"

If I want to scream obscenities into an unopened flower, I am going to scream obscenities into an unopened flower!

10-8-18 RT

I feel friendlier coming back to NYC after Denver lol

CB

We had been silently wanting to kill each other all day and that was our moment.

C.D.

10-18-18

“Are your tacos spicy?”

“Yes, I can’t eat. I’ve given up on food. I’m dying.”

CD

(British accent) Oh, a flamingo! I just now got he is a flamingo. I thought he was a pink chicken! 

Laura Kickball10-27-18

K: In Minnesota, they play, Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.

Laura Kickball: (British accent) Why? Do they only have great ducks in Minnesota?

 10-27-18

About CO Natives, Bill just said, “We’re really easy to catch because we don’t go anywhere.”

10-28-18

CD

Enjoy your fucking pizza. JB 11-2-2018

Your last girlfriend was an adult left handed scissor. 

11-9-18 Al

I have an embarrassing confession. I don’t know how to cabbage patch. 

@ 90s night 

11-23-18 Anonymous

Do you know this girl? Cuz she’s slicing it up like Thanksgiving turkey. 

JB

There’s no douchebag to call a douchebag

CD

Lindsey and Sal are trying to get the air mattress back in the bag.

Lindsey says, “Sal shove it in! Do you need me to get the poppers?”

11-30-18

Listening to Sublime 

Lindsey leans in close 

Asked 

So what time are we taking poppers?

Hahaha

LM

Is that guacamole on my forehead? 

11-30-18

I am so hungry I am eating the crumbs out from under my fingernails. 

LM

11-30-188

L: The next song I am going to sing is really my favorite. 

K: What song is it? 

L: Suck my pussy. 

K: 😟

Do you remember that night Linz went through a complete metamorphosis? 

Sal, you are always shirtless. This is why all the gay men hit on you. LM

This purchase is just another move in my chess game of life. 

Me

12-18-19

You’re too tall to be crying. 

KT

Who makes biscotti on purpose? That Swedish girl. 

KT

Gay on THAT, woman 

RT

K: I have not been able to practice Greek in a long time. I picked up a little bit here and there I don’t know much. 

J: The only thing I picked up in Greece was chlamydia

Brianne

Now I have a mug to throw my shoes in. 

Mom: Do you have a regular sized refrigerator? 

K: Yes, Mom. 

M: Good. In the last apartment, you had a washer, dryer, and refrigerator all in one. 

After seeing a gaggle of deer 🦌 

Mom: Oh my God. Please don’t talk to me. I need a drink. Kelly is talking about how sad it is that all the trees of been cleared out of Somerset for houses to be built. 

12-27-18

K: We should respect the doors in our houses a lot more. 

Mom: Did someone shit down my door?! 

I was loading the dishwasher at Jackie's house on Christmas. While attempting to fit a large baking sheet, Jackie caught me and said...

J: Kel STOP! It doesn't even fit. Turn it sideways. I'm not washing that shit. 

Sometimes I Irish Goodbye in my own house.

CM

12-28-18

12-28-18 JD

Every single day the devil finds a new way to get us. 

About Julie Jones: 

We used to party like animals and now she takes cares of them. 

12-28-18

CM

12-30-18

KS: That tortilla is society. It limits you from having everything. 

(On why she is getting a bowl instead of a tortilla at Chipotle)

CD: Katie can dance. You should keep her. 

Laughs from my niece, Brooklyn

(Thank you for sending these, Jackolackowhackattack. Keep the funny moments coming.)

Morning conversations with B.

“Mommy, I just farted”

“Good B, I’m sure that felt good”

“Yes, I love to fart when I first wake up, because it’s been stuck in my butt all night long”

😂😂

“Mommy, Miss Hendricks taught me to do this 🙋🏻‍♀️”

“Oh good B, so when you have a question or need her you do that and she will call on you.”

“Yes, but I do this 🙋🏻‍♀️ and miss Hendricks says yes Brooklyn. And I say Miss Hendricks, what is the weather? Because they don’t have Alexa”

😂😂😂😂

7-3-18

“Don’t touch my butt if I can’t touch your wiener”

-Ahh...These are as comfy as nipple pie.

- nipple pie?

-yes, mommy, that means comfy cozy in English. What do you speak? Spanish?

8-21-18

11-18-18

We’re watching the Incredibles and at the end, this big drill-shaped ship comes up through the ground and B goes, “OH SHIT!”

“Brooklyn, you have to stop yelling. Your the only one I can hear up there.”

“Mommy, that’s because them don’t talk yet!”

“Well played, B.”

11-19-18

Boys fighting over a toy

“Boys Santa isn’t going to bring you anything for Christmas, no dinosaurs, no baseballs, nothing.”

Blank stare from the boys, then they start sharing the toy ...

I look at B. She looks at me and says, “That was effective."

😂😂🤣🤣

Nov 30, 2018

The Many Quotes From the One and Only Ed Bauer

(P.S. Teachers get 15% off at Eddie Bauer)

I had a breakfast beer. Porkroll, egg, and cheese in a pint glass. 

2-19-18

How am I supposed to feel? The high points in her life are when I leave! 

When I could get Heady Topper at the stage, a piece of me is going to die.

7-13-18 

Pigeon pose is an utter joy

7-15-18

Mom: Ed, how did you and Hank get lost if you had a picture of the map? (Macomb, South Dix, and Grace Mountains)

Ed: Cin. Imagine giving Hunter and Cole directions to the Stage from their house. 

7-15-18

I hear people rave about Brazilian Jiu jitsu 

12-24-18

He's a communist!

Just once a week, I'd like to have the blankets. I'm sore when I wake up from shivering all night! 

If it’s on my plate I’m eating it!

Joe Foster came back into my life like a boomerang. He is one funny dude, a great daddy to Puggle, and my official gayru. 

I sat on the balcony with my roommate, drank LaCroix, listened to 70s rock, and ate peaches. We drank on a school night. We are such badasses.   Joe Foster

8-15-18

Who the fuck plays photo hunt anymore, Kelly? 

Me: HAHAHAHA

8-31-18

@Traxxx 

So the problem is you can’t do comedy and high ceilings. 

Me: haha

Joe

Two things I never buy: cheap sunscreen and cheap underwear

8-2-18

Joe Foster 

That little guy dancing makes me think of Bambi walking for the first time. 9-14-18

Would you like to do yoga?

No, we are not friends when Nintendo is on. 

(I had just kicked his ass at Dr. Mario--hard. That game still brings out the worst in me.)

10-5-18

10-14-18

K: Have you ever read your bottle of poppers? 

J: It doesn’t say anything.

K: (reads back of Double Scorpion bottle aloud) 

J: (Laughs) They’re fine! 

(at Glow at the Gardens in Denver)

This is the whitest thing I’ve ever done. And I have done cocaine with Garth Brooks. 

10-18-18

CD: Don’t you sometimes want to just kick a nice display over?

J: Uh no, because I’m not a sociopath.

J: Nasty Pig is a brand of gay man’s clothing. 

K: Do lesbians have a clothing line? 

Joe: Isn’t that Target? 

K: Hahaha 

Holy fuck. I’m in the back of a Lyft and I had the window open. I dozed off and a  homeless man came right up asking for change while we were at a light. He was like an inch from my face and I woke up screaming like I was being murdered.

JF11-2-18

Hi! I have purchased hiking boots. I am one step closer to being Colorado Lesbian Approved!

JF

The Watering Bowl is the real lesbian bar in Denver. The dog park with a bar.

JF 11-9-18

11-12-18

K: I am so happy, I am going to drink Sip o’ Sunshine. 

Joe: What’s the occasion? You had sex more than once this week. 

He starts slow clapping

I died laughing